Divine Forgiveness in Marriage
Session 5 (Audio Only)
Welcome back to "God's Design for Marriage" - Session 5.
In the last two sessions, we looked at "leaving" to become one flesh and "cleaving" to become one flesh. We ended session four with "7 Principles for Cleaving" and noted that number seven was actually so big it required its own message. That seventh and final principle was "Living in Divine Forgiveness." This subject can heal more marriages than possibly any other subject we will be discussing during this series.
Unforgiveness is a wall that will always separate you and your spouse, a wall often built one brick (or hurt) at a time, until those bricks all add up to a massive crisis.
Unforgiveness leads to bitterness, resentment, anger, and even revenge, and these sins will destroy your marriage. And so, living in divine forgiveness becomes an absolute, constant, mandatory requirement for every God-designed marriage.
And I know some of you have some serious things that require serious divine forgiveness, but I want you to know; GOD IS ABLE to provide the deep forgiveness you need!
We must recognize upfront that forgiveness and reconciliation do not always go together. Reconciliation requires repentance and transformation on the part of both parties.
But, as a Christian, God calls you to divine forgiveness regardless of whether full reconciliation can take place. Divine forgiveness is a requirement from God. Because the sin of unforgiveness not only separates you from your spouse, but it also separates you from God.
Let's look at Ephesians 4:30-32 again (you’ve already seen it in your homework).
Ephesians 4:30–32 (NLT)
30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.
32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
After two strong warnings in verses 29-30, verses 31-32 show a perfect contrast of unforgiveness (verse 31) and divine forgiveness (verse 32). Read those two verses again, looking to see the contrast between unforgiveness and divine forgiveness.
In verse 32, we see the key to understanding what divine forgiveness looks like. The key is the two words "just as" or "even as.” In Greek, the two words "even as" mean "in the same proportion or to the same degree." We could read the end of verse 32 as "forgiving one another in the same proportion as God in Christ had forgiven you."
And so, in Ephesians 4:32, we find today's M.I.P.
Session 4 – Most Important Point
We must forgive one another in the same proportion as God in Christ has forgiven us.
In Matthew Chapter 18 we have a wonderful picture of this "just as" (in the same proportion as) command.
A Picture of the ‘Even As’ Truth of Divine Forgiveness
Matthew 18:21–22 (NLT)
21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”
22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!
Some translations say "seventy-seven times," but it doesn't matter, seventy-seven or seventy times seven. Jesus is not saying to keep good track. He is commanding unlimited, unconditional forgiveness.
To do that we must make the comparison. And, as we continue in Matthew 18, Jesus does that for us. Beginning in Matthew 18:23 is a picture of you, God and your spouse, and the purpose is for you to make a comparison.
MAKE THE COMPARISON
Matthew 18:23–25 (NLT)
23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him.
24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. (an un-repayable debt)
25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.
This servant owed a debt that could never be re-paid. So, the just (or right) thing to do was for the king to sell the man and his family into slavery, to recover the debt owed by the man.
Matthew 18:26–27 (NLT)
26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’
27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.
This is a picture of you standing before God, owing a debt that can't be paid, and receiving a full release and full forgiveness from God.
Now the picture changes to that of you and your spouse.
Matthew 18:28 (NLT)
28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.
That is a drastically different response than the one this servant got from his master who forgave him his un-repayable debt.
Consider carefully the vast difference between how the servant with the un-repayable debt was forgiven (that's you being forgiven by God), versus the way the servant treated his fellow servant who owed him, by comparison, a relatively small debt (that's you and your spouse.)
WE MUST MAKE THE COMPARISON between the phenomenal, un-repayable debt we owed God and the debt we feel our spouse owes us.
So, after the unforgiving servant had ‘laid hands’ on the one who owed him a small debt (by comparison), the parable continues.
Matthew 18:28–30 (NLT)
28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.
29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded.
30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.
This sounds like some of our marriage relationships, doesn't it? Perpetually putting each other in debtor's prison...
Now imagine the angels watching what Jesus Christ went through to forgive you an un-repayable debt to God, then watching you throw your spouse into debtor's prison for their relatively small (by comparison) offense . . .
Matthew 18:31 (NLT)
31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened.
It's like the angels are coming to God and saying, "We don't understand, after all you have forgiven them, look at how they're treating one another."
And so, the Master has a response for the unforgiving servant.
Matthew 18:32–34 (NLT)
32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me.
33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’
34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.
“Sent the man to prison to be tortured,” that sounds pretty drastic. Certainly, God wouldn’t do that to us just because we refuse to forgive our spouse of some offense, would he? Well . . . let’s read the next verse very carefully.
Matthew 18:35 (NLT)
35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”
Have you ever felt tortured by unforgiveness? Have bitterness, resentment, and anger been TORTURING you from the inside?
Why would God allow us to feel tortured by our unforgiveness?
Think of why we have pain in our physical bodies. That pain is actually good. It plays a crucial role in your healing. Because if you didn’t have physical pain when there was something wrong in your body, you would never go to the doctor, and you would die from never receiving care. God’s discipline plays a very similar role in our lives.
Hebrews 12:5–6 (NLT)
5 And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you.
6 For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”
Hebrews 12:11 (NLT)
11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.
God loves you enough to allow that bitterness, resentment, and anger to torture you until it breaks you, so you can be healed. If you will be trained by his chastisement, it will yield in you a peaceful harvest of right living (including divine forgiveness).
If you are living with bitterness, resentment and anger toward your spouse, you are being tortured. God wants to free you and heal you, and he has given you the power (in the Holy Spirit) to forgive "just as" (in the same proportion) as God has forgiven you. He would not give you the command without providing you the power, because you and I don't have this forgiveness in our own nature. It can only come from the divine nature of God. It must be supernaturally imparted to you by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Let's turn over to the Lord's Prayer. Here, right in the middle of the Lord's Prayer, we see a conditional statement:
Matthew 6:12 (NLT)
12 and forgive us our sins, as (in the same way as) we have forgiven those who sin against us.
Do you really want God to forgive you the same way you forgive your spouse? Is that really how you want God to deal with you?
Then, following the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus chooses just one subject of the prayer to add ‘comment’ to.
Matthew 6:14–15 (NLT)
14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Now the hammer really falls! Some of us have never really read those verses before. Jesus isn't talking about salvation here. He has made it clear this is a prayer for disciples who are already saved. The issue here is being in a right relationship with God. Your relationship with God will feel tortured, and your relationship with your spouse will feel tortured until you learn to live in divine forgiveness in your marriage relationship.
There are two other key passages on why we must forgive, and they are included in your homework; Mark 11:25 and Luke 6:37-38. This is such a critical subject, please be sure to study this in your homework.
How Can We Live in Divine Forgiveness?
The question is, how? How can we experience God's divine forgiveness in our marriages? How can we forgive in the same proportion as God has forgiven us? How can we end the torture that unforgiveness brings into our lives? How can we make our relationship with our spouse and God right through divine forgiveness?
Well, first, we need to know, divine forgiveness is not approving of, or excusing, sin in your spouse. It does not deny the offense, and it is not pretending you're not hurt.
Divine forgiveness is being fully aware of the offense and making a choice (against your feelings) to:
1) RELEASE them from the debt
2) REFUSE to punish them
3) KEEP NO RECORD of the wrong
That is how God in Christ has forgiven you, and that is how you are called to forgive your spouse.
Divine forgiveness acknowledges the wrong done and then chooses to completely forgive it. The offense must be willfully, purposefully forgiven, and all resentment totally crucified. You may think it's impossible for you to forgive at that level. And, without God, it is impossible.
But, Romans 5:5 says (ESV)
5 . . . God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
God’s agape love is that unconditional, self-sacrificing love that we don’t have in our own nature. It is the power of God alive in us. We can’t apply it in our own strength, we can only choose by faith to yield to the agape love God has given to us by the Holy Spirit.
All the steps to divine forgiveness are supernatural, and they all start with us crucifying our self-will and then seeking God's transforming power.
Living in divine forgiveness is a process of transforming our lives, from our old sin nature to God’s divine nature. And you can start this transformation process today.
Today, you can begin to supernaturally live in divine forgiveness.
4 Steps to living in Divine Forgiveness
Step # 1 - Recognize Unforgiveness in Your Heart
Unforgiveness is damaging your marriage and will continue to damage it as long as you are holding on to it. Begin this process by asking God to reveal any unforgiveness you are carrying. We must continuously pray with King David in;
Psalm 139:23–24 (ESV)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
God has given us signs to show us when we are harboring unforgiveness.
Unforgiveness is a sin that separates us from God and from our spouse. If we feel separated from our spouse, and/or from God, we need to search our hearts for unforgiveness. Because unforgiveness separates us and we end up feeling tortured.
Listen to the words that are coming out of your mouth because unforgiveness is always revealed in your tongue.
Anger – Bitterness – Resentment – Jealousy . . . are all signs of unforgiveness. And these sins are all revealed by what comes out of your mouth toward your spouse.
We must recognize that unforgiveness is an open door for Satan to bring destruction into our lives.
In 2 Corinthians Chapter 2, Paul is speaking about the necessity of forgiveness, and in verse 11, he says “...lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices.”
Satan will take advantage of unforgiveness in your heart to bring damage and destruction into your life.
Step # 2 – Repent of Your Sin With Godly Sorrow
Unforgiveness is a sin that separates you from your spouse and God, giving the devil a wide-open door. It's a sin that must be repented of, just like any other sin.
2 Corinthians 7:10 (NKJV)
10 For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted . . .
Repentance means literally "A change of mind, purpose, and action."
Probably the greatest display of repentance in the Bible is in Psalm 51, where King David truly displays "godly sorrow," and we see true repentance. Study this passage, and ask the Holy Spirit to really impress upon you the true repentance that comes from “godly sorrow.” If you desire to move toward divine forgiveness, Psalm 51 must be the prayer of your heart.
Psalm 51:10–12 (ESV)
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Until you see unforgiveness as a sin, you will continue to justify it and live in the torture.
Have you experienced this level of “godly Sorrow” over your sin of unforgiveness? Until you do, you will continue to justify and rationalize your pride and self-will. And Satan will continue to bring destruction into your marriage, and your life.
When we experience sorrow and grieving, which we rightfully owe to God, it produces a change of mind, purpose, and action. When we come with genuine godly sorrow and a broken and contrite heart, then God will begin to heal us.
Step # 3 – Receive God’s Command to Forgive by Faith
There is nothing here about feelings. This is strictly about faith and obedience. "God said it, I'll do it."
Hebrews 11:6 (ESV)
6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.
Faith is the opposite of feeling. God is waiting for you to say:
"I receive your command to forgive just as I have been forgiven.
I believe your Word and I will crucify my own self-will (my flesh) in order to receive your command. I will act on your command, by faith, and in obedience."
If you will genuinely receive God's command to forgive, then you will begin to experience the supernatural transformation of divine forgiveness in your life (and marriage).
Your power is in yielding your actions to the Holy Spirit (Romans 6:12-14.) As you yield to the Holy Spirit, HE is your power to do what you cannot do on your own, and that is how your life and your marriage are transformed.
Step # 4 – Replace Your Hard Heart With God’s Heart
At the cross, there was an exchange of hearts. Jesus Christ took upon Himself our heart of sin, and he gave us his own heart.
Paul understood this when he said in Galatians:
Galatians 2:20 (ESV)
20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
When we have crucified our self-will and self-interest with Christ (which is done through repentance and godly sorrow), then our hard heart can be replaced with God's divine heart. We need a supernatural transformation of our lives to forgive as God calls us to forgive. And when we do, we will begin to put off our own nature and put on Christ's nature.
Romans 12:1-2 is one of the best descriptions in the Bible of the supernatural transformation of your heart through the power of yielding your life to the Holy Spirit.
Romans 12:1-2
“1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice (sacrifice your self-will), holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.
2 And do not be conformed to this world (don’t do what is natural), but be transformed (get a new nature) by the renewing of your mind (by the Holy Spirit), that you may prove (know) what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”
God is ready, willing and able. You, however, must choose to crucify yourself and yield your actions to God so He can live through you.
All the bitterness, resentment, and anger will begin to heal as you crucify the self-nature, be renewed by the Holy Spirit, and put on the new nature of Jesus Christ. (See Ephesians 4:17-32, and Colossians 3:1-17.)
There is actually a critically important 5th Step to divine forgiveness that we haven’t mentioned yet.
This 5th step is actually the secret to living in divine forgiveness every day of your life.
The secret fifth step to living in divine forgiveness is...
Step # 5 – Repeat as Often as Necessary
When unforgiveness rises up again to damage your life, you must repeat the process. We must watch closely for any root of bitterness springing back up, and we must immediately crucify it by repeating this process.
You don't have to be a slave to your unforgiveness. Anger and bitterness don't have to destroy your life. You can begin to get victory over the sin of unforgiveness right now. God is waiting for you and ready to empower you to start walking in divine forgiveness by faith.
Response Time . . .
Please look into your spouse’s eyes, and make a commitment by faith to forgive as God has forgiven you, and to allow God to make Divine Forgiveness a reality in your marriage.
“Heavenly Father, we acknowledge that our unforgiveness is destroying our marriages. We receive your command to forgive as you have forgiven us. We repent of our sin of unforgiveness. Please give us a clean heart and renew a right spirit in us. May we yield to your agape love in our lives by the power of your Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
For Further Study on Divine Forgiveness . . .
Matthew 6:9-15 (The Lord’s Prayer) – verse 12 says, “And forgive us our debts, as [in the same way as] we forgive our debtors.”
Do you really want God to forgive you in the same way you forgive your spouse?
And in verses 14-15 (just after the Lord’s Prayer), we read:
Matthew 6:14-15
“14 For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
Jesus is not referring to our salvation, but to our on-going fellowship with God. There is a direct comparison between our forgiving others and our “right relationship” with God.
Mark 11:25-26
“25 And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.
26 But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.”
Our unforgiveness prevents us from walking in right relationship with God, and with our spouse.
Read Matthew 7:1-5 (the Plank and Speck) and replace the word “brother” with the word “spouse.”
If you will deal with the plank of unforgiveness in your own eye, most likely you won’t be able to see the speck in your spouse’s eye.
Read Luke 6:36-38 (Give and it will be given to you). Notice the Primary Context is Mercy and Forgiveness.
CLICK TO DOWNLOAD HOMEWORK
In the last two sessions, we looked at "leaving" to become one flesh and "cleaving" to become one flesh. We ended session four with "7 Principles for Cleaving" and noted that number seven was actually so big it required its own message. That seventh and final principle was "Living in Divine Forgiveness." This subject can heal more marriages than possibly any other subject we will be discussing during this series.
Unforgiveness is a wall that will always separate you and your spouse, a wall often built one brick (or hurt) at a time, until those bricks all add up to a massive crisis.
Unforgiveness leads to bitterness, resentment, anger, and even revenge, and these sins will destroy your marriage. And so, living in divine forgiveness becomes an absolute, constant, mandatory requirement for every God-designed marriage.
And I know some of you have some serious things that require serious divine forgiveness, but I want you to know; GOD IS ABLE to provide the deep forgiveness you need!
We must recognize upfront that forgiveness and reconciliation do not always go together. Reconciliation requires repentance and transformation on the part of both parties.
But, as a Christian, God calls you to divine forgiveness regardless of whether full reconciliation can take place. Divine forgiveness is a requirement from God. Because the sin of unforgiveness not only separates you from your spouse, but it also separates you from God.
Let's look at Ephesians 4:30-32 again (you’ve already seen it in your homework).
Ephesians 4:30–32 (NLT)
30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.
32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
After two strong warnings in verses 29-30, verses 31-32 show a perfect contrast of unforgiveness (verse 31) and divine forgiveness (verse 32). Read those two verses again, looking to see the contrast between unforgiveness and divine forgiveness.
In verse 32, we see the key to understanding what divine forgiveness looks like. The key is the two words "just as" or "even as.” In Greek, the two words "even as" mean "in the same proportion or to the same degree." We could read the end of verse 32 as "forgiving one another in the same proportion as God in Christ had forgiven you."
And so, in Ephesians 4:32, we find today's M.I.P.
Session 4 – Most Important Point
We must forgive one another in the same proportion as God in Christ has forgiven us.
In Matthew Chapter 18 we have a wonderful picture of this "just as" (in the same proportion as) command.
A Picture of the ‘Even As’ Truth of Divine Forgiveness
Matthew 18:21–22 (NLT)
21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”
22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!
Some translations say "seventy-seven times," but it doesn't matter, seventy-seven or seventy times seven. Jesus is not saying to keep good track. He is commanding unlimited, unconditional forgiveness.
To do that we must make the comparison. And, as we continue in Matthew 18, Jesus does that for us. Beginning in Matthew 18:23 is a picture of you, God and your spouse, and the purpose is for you to make a comparison.
MAKE THE COMPARISON
Matthew 18:23–25 (NLT)
23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him.
24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. (an un-repayable debt)
25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.
This servant owed a debt that could never be re-paid. So, the just (or right) thing to do was for the king to sell the man and his family into slavery, to recover the debt owed by the man.
Matthew 18:26–27 (NLT)
26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’
27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.
This is a picture of you standing before God, owing a debt that can't be paid, and receiving a full release and full forgiveness from God.
Now the picture changes to that of you and your spouse.
Matthew 18:28 (NLT)
28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.
That is a drastically different response than the one this servant got from his master who forgave him his un-repayable debt.
Consider carefully the vast difference between how the servant with the un-repayable debt was forgiven (that's you being forgiven by God), versus the way the servant treated his fellow servant who owed him, by comparison, a relatively small debt (that's you and your spouse.)
WE MUST MAKE THE COMPARISON between the phenomenal, un-repayable debt we owed God and the debt we feel our spouse owes us.
- How has God responded when you've wronged him, compared to how you've responded when your spouse has wronged you?
- And when you've been wronged by your spouse, do you extract some type repayment, because you deserve it?
So, after the unforgiving servant had ‘laid hands’ on the one who owed him a small debt (by comparison), the parable continues.
Matthew 18:28–30 (NLT)
28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.
29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded.
30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.
This sounds like some of our marriage relationships, doesn't it? Perpetually putting each other in debtor's prison...
Now imagine the angels watching what Jesus Christ went through to forgive you an un-repayable debt to God, then watching you throw your spouse into debtor's prison for their relatively small (by comparison) offense . . .
Matthew 18:31 (NLT)
31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened.
It's like the angels are coming to God and saying, "We don't understand, after all you have forgiven them, look at how they're treating one another."
And so, the Master has a response for the unforgiving servant.
Matthew 18:32–34 (NLT)
32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me.
33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’
34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.
“Sent the man to prison to be tortured,” that sounds pretty drastic. Certainly, God wouldn’t do that to us just because we refuse to forgive our spouse of some offense, would he? Well . . . let’s read the next verse very carefully.
Matthew 18:35 (NLT)
35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”
Have you ever felt tortured by unforgiveness? Have bitterness, resentment, and anger been TORTURING you from the inside?
Why would God allow us to feel tortured by our unforgiveness?
Think of why we have pain in our physical bodies. That pain is actually good. It plays a crucial role in your healing. Because if you didn’t have physical pain when there was something wrong in your body, you would never go to the doctor, and you would die from never receiving care. God’s discipline plays a very similar role in our lives.
Hebrews 12:5–6 (NLT)
5 And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you.
6 For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”
Hebrews 12:11 (NLT)
11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.
God loves you enough to allow that bitterness, resentment, and anger to torture you until it breaks you, so you can be healed. If you will be trained by his chastisement, it will yield in you a peaceful harvest of right living (including divine forgiveness).
If you are living with bitterness, resentment and anger toward your spouse, you are being tortured. God wants to free you and heal you, and he has given you the power (in the Holy Spirit) to forgive "just as" (in the same proportion) as God has forgiven you. He would not give you the command without providing you the power, because you and I don't have this forgiveness in our own nature. It can only come from the divine nature of God. It must be supernaturally imparted to you by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Let's turn over to the Lord's Prayer. Here, right in the middle of the Lord's Prayer, we see a conditional statement:
Matthew 6:12 (NLT)
12 and forgive us our sins, as (in the same way as) we have forgiven those who sin against us.
Do you really want God to forgive you the same way you forgive your spouse? Is that really how you want God to deal with you?
Then, following the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus chooses just one subject of the prayer to add ‘comment’ to.
Matthew 6:14–15 (NLT)
14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Now the hammer really falls! Some of us have never really read those verses before. Jesus isn't talking about salvation here. He has made it clear this is a prayer for disciples who are already saved. The issue here is being in a right relationship with God. Your relationship with God will feel tortured, and your relationship with your spouse will feel tortured until you learn to live in divine forgiveness in your marriage relationship.
There are two other key passages on why we must forgive, and they are included in your homework; Mark 11:25 and Luke 6:37-38. This is such a critical subject, please be sure to study this in your homework.
How Can We Live in Divine Forgiveness?
The question is, how? How can we experience God's divine forgiveness in our marriages? How can we forgive in the same proportion as God has forgiven us? How can we end the torture that unforgiveness brings into our lives? How can we make our relationship with our spouse and God right through divine forgiveness?
Well, first, we need to know, divine forgiveness is not approving of, or excusing, sin in your spouse. It does not deny the offense, and it is not pretending you're not hurt.
Divine forgiveness is being fully aware of the offense and making a choice (against your feelings) to:
1) RELEASE them from the debt
2) REFUSE to punish them
3) KEEP NO RECORD of the wrong
That is how God in Christ has forgiven you, and that is how you are called to forgive your spouse.
Divine forgiveness acknowledges the wrong done and then chooses to completely forgive it. The offense must be willfully, purposefully forgiven, and all resentment totally crucified. You may think it's impossible for you to forgive at that level. And, without God, it is impossible.
But, Romans 5:5 says (ESV)
5 . . . God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
God’s agape love is that unconditional, self-sacrificing love that we don’t have in our own nature. It is the power of God alive in us. We can’t apply it in our own strength, we can only choose by faith to yield to the agape love God has given to us by the Holy Spirit.
All the steps to divine forgiveness are supernatural, and they all start with us crucifying our self-will and then seeking God's transforming power.
Living in divine forgiveness is a process of transforming our lives, from our old sin nature to God’s divine nature. And you can start this transformation process today.
Today, you can begin to supernaturally live in divine forgiveness.
4 Steps to living in Divine Forgiveness
- Recognize – Unforgiveness in your heart
- Repent – of your sin with godly sorrow
- Receive – God’s command to forgive by faith
- Replace – your hard heart with God’s unconditionally loving heart
Step # 1 - Recognize Unforgiveness in Your Heart
Unforgiveness is damaging your marriage and will continue to damage it as long as you are holding on to it. Begin this process by asking God to reveal any unforgiveness you are carrying. We must continuously pray with King David in;
Psalm 139:23–24 (ESV)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
God has given us signs to show us when we are harboring unforgiveness.
- The first sign of unforgiveness is separation
Unforgiveness is a sin that separates us from God and from our spouse. If we feel separated from our spouse, and/or from God, we need to search our hearts for unforgiveness. Because unforgiveness separates us and we end up feeling tortured.
- The second sign of unforgiveness is our tongue
Matthew 12:34
34 . . . For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
Listen to the words that are coming out of your mouth because unforgiveness is always revealed in your tongue.
Anger – Bitterness – Resentment – Jealousy . . . are all signs of unforgiveness. And these sins are all revealed by what comes out of your mouth toward your spouse.
We must recognize that unforgiveness is an open door for Satan to bring destruction into our lives.
In 2 Corinthians Chapter 2, Paul is speaking about the necessity of forgiveness, and in verse 11, he says “...lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices.”
Satan will take advantage of unforgiveness in your heart to bring damage and destruction into your life.
Step # 2 – Repent of Your Sin With Godly Sorrow
Unforgiveness is a sin that separates you from your spouse and God, giving the devil a wide-open door. It's a sin that must be repented of, just like any other sin.
2 Corinthians 7:10 (NKJV)
10 For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted . . .
Repentance means literally "A change of mind, purpose, and action."
Probably the greatest display of repentance in the Bible is in Psalm 51, where King David truly displays "godly sorrow," and we see true repentance. Study this passage, and ask the Holy Spirit to really impress upon you the true repentance that comes from “godly sorrow.” If you desire to move toward divine forgiveness, Psalm 51 must be the prayer of your heart.
Psalm 51:10–12 (ESV)
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Until you see unforgiveness as a sin, you will continue to justify it and live in the torture.
- Godly Sorrow = Sorrow or grieving that is due (owed to) God
- Repentance = A Change of mind, purpose, and action
Have you experienced this level of “godly Sorrow” over your sin of unforgiveness? Until you do, you will continue to justify and rationalize your pride and self-will. And Satan will continue to bring destruction into your marriage, and your life.
When we experience sorrow and grieving, which we rightfully owe to God, it produces a change of mind, purpose, and action. When we come with genuine godly sorrow and a broken and contrite heart, then God will begin to heal us.
Step # 3 – Receive God’s Command to Forgive by Faith
There is nothing here about feelings. This is strictly about faith and obedience. "God said it, I'll do it."
Hebrews 11:6 (ESV)
6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.
Faith is the opposite of feeling. God is waiting for you to say:
"I receive your command to forgive just as I have been forgiven.
I believe your Word and I will crucify my own self-will (my flesh) in order to receive your command. I will act on your command, by faith, and in obedience."
If you will genuinely receive God's command to forgive, then you will begin to experience the supernatural transformation of divine forgiveness in your life (and marriage).
Your power is in yielding your actions to the Holy Spirit (Romans 6:12-14.) As you yield to the Holy Spirit, HE is your power to do what you cannot do on your own, and that is how your life and your marriage are transformed.
Step # 4 – Replace Your Hard Heart With God’s Heart
At the cross, there was an exchange of hearts. Jesus Christ took upon Himself our heart of sin, and he gave us his own heart.
Paul understood this when he said in Galatians:
Galatians 2:20 (ESV)
20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
When we have crucified our self-will and self-interest with Christ (which is done through repentance and godly sorrow), then our hard heart can be replaced with God's divine heart. We need a supernatural transformation of our lives to forgive as God calls us to forgive. And when we do, we will begin to put off our own nature and put on Christ's nature.
Romans 12:1-2 is one of the best descriptions in the Bible of the supernatural transformation of your heart through the power of yielding your life to the Holy Spirit.
Romans 12:1-2
“1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice (sacrifice your self-will), holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.
2 And do not be conformed to this world (don’t do what is natural), but be transformed (get a new nature) by the renewing of your mind (by the Holy Spirit), that you may prove (know) what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”
God is ready, willing and able. You, however, must choose to crucify yourself and yield your actions to God so He can live through you.
All the bitterness, resentment, and anger will begin to heal as you crucify the self-nature, be renewed by the Holy Spirit, and put on the new nature of Jesus Christ. (See Ephesians 4:17-32, and Colossians 3:1-17.)
There is actually a critically important 5th Step to divine forgiveness that we haven’t mentioned yet.
This 5th step is actually the secret to living in divine forgiveness every day of your life.
The secret fifth step to living in divine forgiveness is...
Step # 5 – Repeat as Often as Necessary
When unforgiveness rises up again to damage your life, you must repeat the process. We must watch closely for any root of bitterness springing back up, and we must immediately crucify it by repeating this process.
You don't have to be a slave to your unforgiveness. Anger and bitterness don't have to destroy your life. You can begin to get victory over the sin of unforgiveness right now. God is waiting for you and ready to empower you to start walking in divine forgiveness by faith.
Response Time . . .
- Are you holding onto unforgiveness in ANY area of your marriage?
- Are you willing to crucify your Self-Will and have your heart supernaturally transformed by yielding to God’s agape love?
- Are you willing to KEEP ASKING God for the power to forgive in the same proportion as God has forgiven you?
Please look into your spouse’s eyes, and make a commitment by faith to forgive as God has forgiven you, and to allow God to make Divine Forgiveness a reality in your marriage.
“Heavenly Father, we acknowledge that our unforgiveness is destroying our marriages. We receive your command to forgive as you have forgiven us. We repent of our sin of unforgiveness. Please give us a clean heart and renew a right spirit in us. May we yield to your agape love in our lives by the power of your Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
For Further Study on Divine Forgiveness . . .
Matthew 6:9-15 (The Lord’s Prayer) – verse 12 says, “And forgive us our debts, as [in the same way as] we forgive our debtors.”
Do you really want God to forgive you in the same way you forgive your spouse?
And in verses 14-15 (just after the Lord’s Prayer), we read:
Matthew 6:14-15
“14 For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
Jesus is not referring to our salvation, but to our on-going fellowship with God. There is a direct comparison between our forgiving others and our “right relationship” with God.
Mark 11:25-26
“25 And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.
26 But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.”
Our unforgiveness prevents us from walking in right relationship with God, and with our spouse.
Read Matthew 7:1-5 (the Plank and Speck) and replace the word “brother” with the word “spouse.”
If you will deal with the plank of unforgiveness in your own eye, most likely you won’t be able to see the speck in your spouse’s eye.
Read Luke 6:36-38 (Give and it will be given to you). Notice the Primary Context is Mercy and Forgiveness.
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