The Role of The Husband

Session 8 (Audio Only)


Welcome to back to “God’s Design for Marriage” – Session 8.

Last session we looked at the role of the wife to sacrificially help and to sacrificially support. And wives, without the sacrificing of “self” there’s no way you can be either a “help” or a “support” to your husband.

Now, this session, we look at God’s design for “The Role of the Husband.” Men, I want you to know I am not a shining example. I need to be a more “Christ-like” husband and father just like each of you. Husbands, I know you better, because I am one. So what I would like to do is go over the “keyword” that is the ultimate necessity for the husband to fulfill his role. I know I let the wives kinda figure out their “keyword”, but for the men I’m just going to put it out there, right up front. But first, let’s pray.

Father God, we just lift up this session to you, and the important truths we will be studying here. We ask for your mercy and grace and your Holy Spirit to reveal to us the importance of sacrifice in our roles as husband and as wife. That your Holy Spirit will impart to us husbands, the power to love and to sacrifice, and to lead by example. In Jesus’ name, amen.

The word that is the ultimate necessity for husbands to fulfill their God designed role in marriage… is three small syllables, that when put together make up the key word for the husband;
SAC – RI – FICE 

I wanted to break it down, to make it easier for us men to understand.

The ultimate necessity for both the husband and the wife to fulfill their God designed roles in marriage is the word SACRIFICE.

The truth is, the ultimate necessity for both the husband and the wife to fulfill their God designed roles in marriage is the word SACRIFICE. Again, unlike the way I built up to the role of the wife, I want to give you the role of the husband right up front.

The God-Designed Role of the Husband:
  • To sacrificially LEAD
  • To sacrificially LOVE

If we put the role of the wife and husband together, it would look like this:

WIFE                                                             
  • To sacrificially HELP
  • To sacrificially SUPPORT                        

       HUSBAND
  • To sacrificially LEAD
  • To sacrificially LOVE

The leader part of the husband’s role was established last session when we talked about the “order and functionality” of submission.

THE FIRST ROLE – TO SACRIFICIALLY LEAD

We saw it in Ephesians 5.

Ephesians 5:23 (ESV)
23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.


For the first part of the husband’s role “to sacrificially lead” we are going to look at two Greek words. “Head” here in these verses and “Manage” (rule) used primarily in 1 Timothy 3:4.

Actually, here in Ephesians 5:23, this is a title “For the husband is ‘the head’ of the wife.” It’s a leadership title, like we have said so many times, having to do with order and functionality, NOT value and worth. In Strong’s Lexicon to define this Greek title “The Head” it says: “of a husband in relation to his wife” and “of Christ: the Lord of the husband and of the Church.” This role of the husband being the leader is so accepted in scripture, it’s used in the Greek Lexicon to define what the Greek word means.

The role of the husband as “head” (leader) is confirmed throughout the New Testament. 1 Corinthians 11:3, Colossians 3:18 and 1 Peter 3:1 all say the same thing. In the sense this word is used here it means “to lead” “to take responsibility for.” God made men to instinctively lead, much the same way he made women to instinctively love.  

Sandy Macintosh’s notes, “In God’s instructions to the wife, he never specifically commands the woman to love because he designed that into her nature. In God’s instructions to the husband he never specifically commands the man to lead because he designed that into a man’s nature.” But what does that really mean, “To lead”?
         
Webster’s definition of “leading” is:
  • To guide by going in advance
  • To direct on a course or in a direction

Men, you’ve been designed by God as a “leader.” Are you leading? Do we even know what it really means?
  • Are you guiding your wife and family by going in advance?
  • Are you directing the course for your wife and family?

The word “lead” is a proactive word. It means to “lead by example,” by going in advance, out in front and saying “follow me” “watch what I do and the way I go and do that.” Are you doing that? Or have you become passive? Do you want the role of king, but have you ducked out of being the Godly leader? Maybe because you feel like a failure in this area. Maybe because you feel like you have an unsupportive wife. Maybe because of selfishness (it’s just too much work). If you have given up your out-front leadership position… I wonder… what’s your excuse?

God has sovereignly appointed you as the leader. You must go out in front, you must “set the course” for the good of your marriage and family. The time when we are most likely to bail-out of our role, is just when we are needed most, when things get difficult. That is when your sacrificial leading and loving is most needed. If you bail out of this role, then your wife has no choice but to take over your leadership, because you gave it to her… and that is the beginning of a dangerous downward spiral. It creates bitterness and resentment in both spouses and it is often very destructive to the marriage and family, all because the man failed to operate in his role as leader.

If you bail out of this role, then your wife has no choice but to take it over. And that is the beginning of a dangerous downward spiral that is often very destructive to the marriage and family, all because the man has failed to take his role as a proactive leader.

Years ago, Lucille Ball was on the Merv Griffith show and she was asked why so many marriages were falling apart. She simply said, “Things are falling apart because Papa’s gone. If Papa were here, he would fix it.”

Men, that is our role, our responsibility is to be there, to fix it when it’s wrong. That is the role God has ordained you to. We need to stand up and take our role and stop serving our own self centered needs. When your wife is hurting and when life is crashing in around her, you must mend her heart. You must minister to that need with no concern for yourself. You must “come under” her (submit yourself) to carry the burdens of your wife and children. They are not there to make your life better, they are there for you to sacrificially lead and love, just as Christ does the Church.

In 1 Timothy 3, Paul writes about the qualifications of spiritual overseers. (No, you are not off the hook if you are not church leadership.)

1 Timothy 3:4 (ESV)
4 He must manage his own household well . . .


And then in verse 5

5 for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?

The teaching is: we are all called to manage our own households, and if we can’t do that certainly we shouldn’t be leading the church. But our point here, for this session, is we are called to manage our household.

The Greek word for “manage” here is proistemi. Definition: to so influence others as to cause them to follow a recommended course of action. This is a really great word to study throughout the New Testament – it means:

                                The Greek word for manage here means:
  • To preside over
  • To protect or guard
  • To give aid
  • To care for
  • To give attention to

Men, are you doing this? God help us be the men he designed us to be!! And God help us repent and ask for forgiveness if we are not. The first God designed role of the husband is to sacrificially lead.

                                     Proistemi = Manage
  • To preside over
  • To protect or guard
  • To give aid
  • To care for
  • To give attention to

THE SECOND ROLE – TO SACRIFICIALLY LOVE

Back in Ephesians 5 we really have the “all-encompassing design” for the husband’s role in marriage, including your role as leader.

Ephesians 5:25 (ESV)
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,


Let’s start with the word “love.” “Husbands love your wives.” This is that supernatural Greek word for love, most commonly, “agape.” However, here, the actual word is “agapao” – which is important – because “agapao” is the verb form of “agape.” The reason the verb form is used here is because a verb expresses an action, and this use of “agape” is all about taking action. It’s the same form of “agape” found in John 3:16 (also a verb) “For God so loved . . . that He gave His only son.”  “Agape” in its verb form is best defined as “an action of unconditional, sacrificial love, by choice.

Maybe you have heard there are always at least three “Aspects” to every Greek verb, we call them Tense – Voice – Mood.

The “Tense” here is “Present” – meaning; you love, you continue to love, you never stop loving, no matter the sacrifice – no matter the response.

The “Voice” here is “Active”- meaning; you take the initiative – You pro-actively love. God pro-actively loved you, no matter what, and now he calls you to pro-actively love your wife.

The “Mood” here is in the “Imperative” – meaning; it’s a command. This is not love in response to a feeling. It’s a command requiring action without regard to feeling (or response.) Love is definitely an emotion. It’s the greatest emotion. But this “agape” love is love by choice, not in response to a feeling, not because you expect anything from it, it is love by choice.

Now, let’s admit something right here, we can’t do this. In our own nature, we don’t possess this type of love. God knows that and he would never command us to do something that he hasn’t enabled us to do. That’s why Romans 5:5 says…

Romans 5:5 (ESV)
5 . . . God’s (agape) love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.


Men, we must seek God daily, and depend on God daily for him to pour into our hearts this supernatural love. And we cannot receive God’s supernatural love for our wives unless we first crucify our self-will. The only way you can fulfill your God designed role as husband is to have your self-will crucified with Christ (Galatians 2:20.) Christ must be alive and in charge in you. It’s the only way you can fulfill your role as a godly husband.

Let’s go back to Ephesians 5:25. The rest of this verse makes our role crystal clear.

Ephesians 5:25 (NKJV)
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as (
ESV - as) Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

Back in session 5 we looked very closely at these words “just as” which means “in the same proportion.” So, we can read verse 25: “Husbands, love your wives, in the same proportion as Christ also loved the church.

How does Christ love the church all day?
  • Christ loves the church in every way and at all times
  • Christ always does what is best for the church
  • Christ always provides all that the church needs
  • Christ loves with an all giving, all sacrificial love that never changes
  • There is nothing that can separate the church from the love of God

That would be “in the same proportion” as Christ loved the church. And the church very often didn’t love in return. But Christ’s love never changes and neither should yours.

To try to summarize this command: - that we are called to love our wives - JUST AS Christ loved the church . . . I’d like to borrow Skip Heitzig’s outline on this same subject. He says a husband’s love must be: SACRIFICIAL - SANCTIFYING - and SECURE.

Ephesians 5:25 (NKJV)
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,


YOUR LOVE MUST BE SACRIFICIAL

Christ’s love for the church is sacrificial: “He gave Himself for her,” and that is exactly how we are to love our wives. Christ sacrifices all along the way, in order to love us from the throne to the cross. Each step was a sacrifice.

(The sad thing is there are husbands who’d say “I’d die for my wife,” but they can’t get up off the couch and help with the dishes.)

And so, it is not just to die sacrificially, it is to live sacrificially which is much, much harder. You put yourself under your wife’s needs, help her carry her burdens. You sacrifice yourself for your wife’s good. Your love must be sacrificial just as Christ’s was for the church.

YOUR LOVE MUST BE SANCTIFYING

 Ephesians 5:25-27 (ESV)
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.


This is one of the most beautiful pictures there is of us loving our wives as Christ loved the church and this one really hurts, because few of us do this enough. “Sanctify” means literally “to be set apart” and that is a beautiful picture of loving our wives that we might “set them apart,” that we might pour the Word over them, that the Word would heal them and make them whole, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing. This is the role of being priest of the home, to sanctify your wife, to minister the Word of God to her and also to your children.

YOUR LOVE MUST BE SECURE

Ephesians 5:28-30
28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as 
(in the same proportion as) Christ does the church,
30 because we are members of his body.


If your wife feels that she is truly an extension of your own body, I promise you she will feel “secure.” This is the level of love our wives need to feel. If we will treat our wife as an extension of our own body, then we will convey to her the most secure love possible. We are called to nourish and cherish our wife as an extension of our own body. Jesus Christ nourishes and cherishes his body, the church (verse 29.) And we are called to nourish and cherish our wife just as (in the same proportion) Christ does the church. If you will, then your wife will feel secure in your love. If you won’t then she will feel insecure in your love.

There is NOTHING in the Bible that paints God’s role for the husband as a domineering, self-centered dictator with his wife running around to make him happy. That is nowhere in the Bible!!

God’s design for the role of the husband is to:
  • Sacrificially lead                                       
  • Sacrificially love

When a husband’s role gets distorted by self-will then he can become a blasphemous example of Christ. God’s design is for the husband to be an example of Christ’s love for the church. That is what Ephesians 5 is saying. How can a Christian husband ever use their role to serve their self-will? Because that is not how Jesus Christ leads and loves the church.

The M.I.P. for this session, as well as the response time follows last week’s where I said to the wives; it is the husband who determines if the wife is sacrificially helping and sacrificially supporting him. And so this session it gets turned on the husbands.

RESPONSE TIME…

Who determines if the husband is fulfilling his role to lead and love?
 __ Wife    __ Husband

Session 8 M.I.P. (MOST IMPORTANT POINT)

IT IS THE WIFE WHO DETERMINES IF THE HUSBAND IS SACRIFICIALLY LEADING AND SACRIFICIALLY LOVING HER.

There is only one way to know… ASK HER! Husbands, you are only leading if your wife feels led. You are only loving if your wife feels loved. You must ask her.

How often do we see a husband working himself crazy, while his wife feels alone and unloved at home?

So husbands please hand your workbook to your wife…

TO BE COMPLETED BY THE WIFE IN THE HUSBAND’S WORKBOOK

Three areas my husband DOES sacrificially LEAD and/or LOVE me:
  • ___________________________________________________
  • ___________________________________________________
  • ___________________________________________________

Three areas my husband COULD make me feel more LED and/or LOVED:
  • ____________________________________________________
  • ____________________________________________________
  • ____________________________________________________

“Lord Jesus, I surrender my “self.”  I lay my “self” on the altar.  May I be consumed. May there be nothing of my “self” left in my marriage.  Jesus, may you live in me by the power of the Holy Spirit to sacrificially lead and sacrificially love my wife. I make this commitment to you and to my wife today. In Jesus’ Name, amen.”


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