Living in Our Roles

Session 9 (Audio Only)

Welcome back to our ninth session, “Living in our Roles.”

We’ve been talking about our roles in marriage for three sessions: “The ‘S’ Word is for Everyone,” “The Role of the Wife,” and “The Role of the Husband.” Now, we try to turn all of that into practical application with the question “How do we live in our roles?” How do we walk in (and grow in) our roles as God designed them? How do we allow the Word of God to actually change our marriages? Let’s remember, we’re talking about God’s design for marriage. We’re not talking about another good idea from the wisdom of the world. We’re talking about God’s supernatural, divine design for marriage.

Session 9 – Most Important Point
Present your ‘self’ to be consumed by God and be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Present your “self” to be consumed by God and be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Let’s first look at examples of both of our roles (what it looks like) and then we’ll do an outline on how we get there. How do we take the Word of God and actually transform our marriages? How do we begin to live (moment by moment) in our roles?

How do we Live in Our Roles?
Before we answer that question, let’s see some examples of what living in our roles looks like.
  • Sacrificially Lead – Ephesians 5:23
  • Sacrificially Love – Ephesians 5:25-29

Living in the Husband’s Role 
We could study the New Testament the rest of our lives to see how Christ sacrificially led and sacrificially loved the church (and we should.) But we can only look at one example of him both leading and loving his bride.

In John 13, Jesus was facing his greatest hour of trial and testing. He was carrying the tremendous burden of knowing he was about to be betrayed, arrested, beaten, crucified. He was facing a burden greater than any husband will ever face, and yet he set aside his own burden and stress and he became a servant leader, to lead and love his disciples. He did it to show those he loved the way to say to them, “Now you follow my example, do as I do.”

John 13:1–5 (NLT)
1 Before the Passover celebration, Jesus knew that his hour had come to leave this world and return to his Father. He had loved his disciples during his ministry on earth, and now he loved them to the very end (or ‘completely’, ‘to the uttermost’).

He’s going to demonstrate that to them right now, but ultimately his loving them “to the uttermost” would cost Him his life

John 13:2 It was time for supper, and the devil had already prompted Judas, son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus (which Jesus knew).

John 13:3-5 Jesus knew that the Father had given him authority over everything and that he had come from God and would return to God.
4 So 
(knowing everything completely) he got up from the table, took off his robe, wrapped a towel around his waist,
5 and poured water into a basin. Then he began to wash the disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel he had around him.


That is what sacrificial love looks like. Setting aside our own feelings, your own stresses and trials and doing something sacrificial for your wife, to wash away the effects of the day. Jesus was washing the dirt and grime of the day off of his Bride. Men, listen closely. Although Jesus Christ is the head of the Church, he never asked the church to do one thing for his personal benefit. The only time Jesus ever asked his disciples to do anything for him personally, was when he asked them to pray in the Garden. Though he is the head of the church, his actions and focus were always for the benefit of the church, never for his own benefit. Jesus both led the church and loved the church by his sacrifice.

John 13:12–15 (NLT)
12 After washing their feet, he put on his robe again and sat down and asked, “Do you understand what I was doing?
13 You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am.
14 And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet.
15 I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you.

Men, can you say that to your wife and family, can you say, “Do as I have done to you?” And do you see how Christ’s leading and loving of the church was always wrapped up in total humility? In Philippians 2:7 it says Christ “emptied himself,” “He made himself nothing” and he sacrificially loved the church to his own death. We see that sacrificial love all through the Gospels. In total humility Jesus Christ put his love into action to serve, to heal and to give life to his bride. Then he says the following, in John 13:15.

John 13:15 (NLT)
15 I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you.

Maybe you would say, “Yeah but what if my wife isn’t treating me like she should?” or “What if she isn’t even a believer?”

Look carefully for the answer to those questions…

Judas Iscariot was in the room, for sure, when Jesus washed the disciples’ feet. Jesus knew what Judas was about to do and still, he served him and loved him, just the same. Jesus loved and led someone else even while they were his enemy…you. So, you do just what Jesus did. You sacrificially lead her and sacrificially love her. I know the example of Christ sounds almost impossible to reach, but take hope. He has also given us the power to be transformed (to this level.) Not perfectly, but increasingly.

LIVING IN THE WIFE’S ROLE
God’s Design for the Role of the Wife
  • Sacrificially help – Genesis 2:18
  • Sacrificially Support – Ephesians 5:22-24

Sacrificially Help
Wives, more than anything else your husband needs your help and support. Let’s start with sacrificially help, and one of the most critical ways to do that is at home. I understand in our culture this is more complicated when both husband and wife work outside the home, but look with me… In Titus, Paul is giving instruction for the older women in disciplining the younger women.

Titus 2:4-5 (NKJV)
[see] that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,
5 to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.


I want to focus on just that word: Homemakers. For the word homemakers the ESV and the NLT translate both as “working at home.” This word means to keep watch over (care for) the affairs of the house.

Then, in 1 Timothy Paul is giving instructions on how to care for widows.

1 Timothy 5:14 (NKJV)
14 Therefore I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully.


The phrase “manage the house” means to guide or direct the affairs of a household.
This is a different word than we looked at for the role of the husband.
  • For the husband = to influence to follow, to lead
  • For the wife = to guide / direct affairs of the household

So the first critical way for a wife to live in her role is to keep watch over, to guide, the affairs of the household. Again, I understand this requires some further discussion when both husband and wife work full-time outside the house.

All I can tell you, is one of the vital reasons I can stand here, fulfilling my role in the church, is because I have the absolute best manager and guide of household affairs that I could ever ask God for. And if I didn’t, I absolutely could not do what I do in the ministry.

Often, when a wife thinks that managing and guiding the household affairs isn’t a big enough or high enough calling, it’s usually because they have been ripped off in their thinking, whether by the world around them or by the enemy. Let me say again, in a culture where often the husband and wife both work outside the home, this requires some extra delicate discussion. But God knew our culture when he wrote the Bible. And I want you to know, one of the best ways a wife can live her role is to be an excellent manager and guide of the household affairs.

Sacrificially Support
Wives, I am going to let you in on a little secret. Men are only tough on the outside. You may think supporting your husband on the outside is most important, like guiding and managing the home, but I need you to hear me. There’s actually a greater need for your support on the inside. Your husband really needs your encouragement and support emotionally on the inside. And one of the vital ingredients for your husband to feel helped and supported is simply this:

R E S P E C T

Respect is the “magic ingredient” for your husband to feel supported. Remember we talked about tense, voice and mood when we looked at the word love (Agapao) last session?  The Greek mood aspect of “love” for the husband was the imperative – meaning it was a command by God. Not so for the word “respect.” Here, the Greek mood is “subjunctive” and the subjunctive mood is best defined as “making a choice.” In other words, in the Greek we could say, “Wives, choose to respect your husbands.” And often, if a wife will choose to respect her husband as the leader, he will become the leader of your home.

Proverbs 14:1 (NKJV)
1 The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands. 


Wives, I promise you, if you want to build your house instead of pulling it down, choose to respect your husband. And what if your husband is an unbeliever – or is just acting like one?

1 Peter 3:1–2 (ESV)
1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,
2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.


Wives, if you desire to build your house instead of tear it down, choose to respect your husband. It will go a long way.

Finally, in Ephesians 5:33 we see the perfect wrap up verse. In it we see what both the wife and the husband need.

Ephesians 5:33 (NLT)
33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. 


WHAT DOES THE WIFE NEED?
She needs to be loved as her husband’s own body.
WHAT DOES THE HUSBAND NEED?
He needs to be respected by his wife.
These are the supernatural ingredients for both husbands and wives to give their spouses what they need the most.

We all may be feeling some pain by now. But, take hope, help is on the way. There is so much more to say about living in our roles that it fills many, many good Christian books on the subject. But what I’ve found (more often than not) is it’s not that we don’t know what our roles are, it’s that we don’t know how to live in them.

LET’S LOOK AT THE HOW
So I want to start the hope and healing part of the message over in 2 Peter Chapter 1.

2 Peter 1:2–3 (NLT) 
2 May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.
3 By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence


By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a Godly life. How? By coming to know him, the one who called us to himself. This is not that “experiential knowledge” (Ginosko) we find in Philippians 3:10 “that I may know him.” The word here is for “complete” or “divine knowledge” (Epignosis.) It is God’s divine knowledge given to us by God’s divine power.

God’s divine power has given us all the things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us by glory and virtue.

2 Peter 1:4 (NLT)
4 And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires. 


We’ve got to see all that’s in these two verses (3 and 4).
  • God’s divine knowledge (verse 3) has been given to us by
  • God’s divine power (verse 3) that through
  • God’s divine promises (verse 4) we may be partakers of
  • God’s divine nature.
This is exactly what we need to have a God designed marriage!!

But… is there a “magic wand – repeat after me” prayer and “poof” your marriage is going to be just as God designed it? No! It takes effort on our part to grow in God’s divine nature. That’s what these next verses are all about. Verses 5 through 8 are all about our part of our divine growth. Look at 2 Peter 1:5-8.

2 Peter 1:5–8 (NLT)
5 In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge 
(gnosis),
6 and knowledge
(gnosis) with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness,
7 and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.
8 The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge 
(epignosis) of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

This is the “your part” part. This is focusing on our spiritual growth. You can be a partaker of the divine nature in your marriage, but it does take focused effort on your spiritual growth. It’s going to take some spiritual growth on your part, and that means some focused effort and probably some discomfort.
So, I want to give you a three step process to actually begin to live in your role, as God designed it.

A 3-STEP PROCESS FOR TRANSFORMATION . . .

Step One: Learn to depend on the power of the Holy Spirit
Realize there’s not enough “try” in you. You must depend on the divine power of the Holy Spirit.

2 Peter 1:3 (NLT) 3 By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life . . .

This power doesn’t come from within you. It’s not “Awaken the giant within you” instead, it is “Crucify the giant within you.” You can’t awaken the right power, because you don’t own it. This power comes from God. It is divine power. It comes in the person of the Holy Spirit.

John 14:16–17 (ESV)
16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever,
17 even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. 


Acts 1:8 Jesus says 8 But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you . . .

Romans 5:5 says 5 . . . the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

It’s by the divine power of the Holy Spirit that we are given all things that pertain to life and goodness. For more on this, study Galatians 54:16-25.

Step Two: Present your “self” to be consumed by God
Christ must live in you, to love and sacrifice for your spouse.

Romans 12:1 (ESV)
1 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

 
The word “body” here means: the totality of your “self.”
The word “sacrifice” is something “consumed” by God.
You must present the totality of your “self” to be consumed by God.
WHY? So we can say with Galatians 2:20:

Galatians 2:20 (ESV)
20 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me…


“Self” must be crucified so Christ can live in you to love and sacrifice for your spouse.

Step Three: Be transformed by the renewing of your mind
By focusing your spiritual growth on your marriage.

Romans 12:2 (ESV)
2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind…


Don’t conform to the way the world does it. Be transformed, get a new mind. The word for “renewal” means “a renovation, a complete change.” Get a renovation of your mind. God’s divine power can transform you, by renewing your mind.

HOW DOES THIS TRANSFORMATION TAKE PLACE?
The foundation is:
  • Daily intake of: The Word – Prayer – Fellowship
  • Acknowledging areas not fully consumed by God
  • Focusing your spiritual growth on the specific areas of need

This almost always involves repentance from sin. This almost always involves forgiveness in your marriage. And it always involves walking in the Spirit.

Again:
Step #1Learn to depend on the power of the Holy Spirit
  • Realize there’s not enough “try” in you
Step #2Present your “self” to be consumed by God
  • This is so Christ can live in you
Step #3Be transformed by the renewing of your mind
  • By focusing your Spiritual Growth on your marriage

We highly recommend: “Be Ye Transformed” by Chuck and Nancy Missler at www.khouse.org

RESPONSE TIME…
Most seminars end up being “just so much information” because there is never a daily change in how we live.  If we don’t actively apply these truths, our marriages will go back to being the same as they were before the seminar.

  1. Do you understand that information gathering alone will NOT change your marriage?
  2. Are you willing to actively apply the truths God is revealing to you in this study
  3. Will you commit to DAILY prayer and devotion reading with your  spouse for the Holy Spirit to transform your marriage? 
  4. Will you acknowledge the specific needs in your marriage and commit to a long-term plan for divine transformation in those specific areas?                                           

Let’s Pray:  “Dear Heavenly Father, please don’t allow us to be hearers of your word only. Please convict us and give us the power to be doers of your Word. Please hold us accountable by your Holy Spirit to pray and read your Word together, and please reveal to us ways we can actively apply your principles in our marriage. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”


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