Cleave To Become One Flesh
Session 4 (Audio Only)
Welcome back to "God's Design for Marriage," Session 4. We're going to be looking at Genesis 2:24 again because there are some great truths we need to continue to dig out. And we’ll continue to refer back to this verse throughout the course.
This is our third week looking at Genesis 2:24. So let's make sure we understand it before we leave it.
Our Foundation Verse - Genesis 2:24
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother, and hold fast (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
There are three commands in this verse that we call ‘The Genesis Command’ - Leave - Cleave - Become One Flesh. And . . .
Every serious problem you have in your marriage can be traced back to some conflict with these three commands.
These three commands in Genesis 2:24 address every single marriage problem I've ever seen. The last session, we saw that you cannot become one flesh unless you understand what God means by the word LEAVE.
Today, we’re going to see the same thing with the word CLEAVE. And then, the greatest blessing of becoming one flesh will begin to be within your reach. But you can't begin to become one flesh until you are leaving, and until you are cleaving.
In God’s design, we must first Leave - then we must Cleave, then God says we shall become (a subsequent event) one flesh.
Maybe a more accurate way to say it is; when we are married, we are made positionally one flesh by God. But it is only as we follow God’s design of leaving and cleaving that we practically become one flesh, meaning we actually begin to live in the blessing of becoming one flesh.
This session's focus is CLEAVING. Some parts of this lesson are adapted from “A Biblical Portrait of Marriage” by Dr. Bruce H. Wilkinson, with our appreciation.
CLEAVE
Go back . . . back . . . back . . . to the early days of your love relationship. In those days, cleaving came naturally.
We never had to be told we should:
No one had to tell you, "You guys need to be together. You guys need to gaze longingly into each other's eyes. You need to have a nice long dinner and share your heart with one another." No one told you that you had to do that. You just did it automatically.
I used to ride my ten-speed bike early in the morning along a highway with no shoulder just so I could ride the bus to school with the girl who would become my wife.
You did that, right? You’ve said to yourself, "I’ve got to go see them. I’ve got to figure out how to get there. I know it's not logical, but I’ve got to be there." That's all during the initial stages of cleaving.
Some people call this initial cleaving infatuation, but I’m good with calling it the initial stage of cleaving.
We did all these things because we were head-over-heels in love. We never had to be told in those early days to cleave, because we couldn’t get enough “cleaving” (in that initial sense). That is a great time in every relationship - and God uses it. I believe God uses those feelings to initially attract you to each other and to light the fire of the relationship.
And, when we in those early days of cleaving. We were confident that we were doing all those things for them (because we loved them so much).
However . . . as much as you might have thought that, in actuality, in the early stage of your relationship, you were actually doing those things (to a large extent) for . . . YOURSELF!!!
It was actually because of how it made YOU feel that you were always with them, holding their hand, and even making them happy.
That first season of cleaving was based on how cleaving made YOU feel, and again, that’s okay, because God uses those initial feelings to light the fire.
However, that first season of cleaving – is actually a very shallow understanding of what the word cleave really means.
That first season of cleaving is based on wonderful feelings. But it doesn't take anything to cleave to someone who is giving you all the right feelings. You’re feeling warm and fuzzy all over when you’re cleaving to them. But that initial cleaving has very little to do with God’s definition of cleaving.
The problem is, God would never actually design something as wonderful as marriage by telling us to rely on our emotions or feelings.
God would never take your fickle and fleeting emotions and base such a broad foundation of your life on them because they can so quickly start running every which way. God would not say to you, "You need to cleave to your spouse because of how it makes you feel.” Or, “You need to cleave to your spouse because you get the warm and fuzzy feelings from them when you do." God would never do that.
Cleaving in God's design is not conditional; it is unconditional. Our emotions are conditional. We feel good cleaving one day; we don't really feel good cleaving the next day. And God would never base his design of marriage on something as conditional as our emotions.
Marriage is permanent, our emotions or feelings are always changing. God would never base something as permanent as marriage on something as fleeting as our feelings. Don’t get me wrong; God is a God of emotion, and he’s given us wonderful emotions to share with each other. And becoming one flesh in your marriage involves the most wonderful emotions . . . However;
God has never said, and never will say, you are to cleave to your spouse based on your emotions or feelings. God’s miraculous design for you to cleave is not conditional, meaning it is not based on how you feel. Cleaving in a marriage relationship (as God designed it) is not based on emotion, it is based on volition.
Session 4 – Most Important Point
Cleaving is not based on Emotion. It is based on Volition.
Emotion = A State of Feeling
Volition = Making a Choice or Commitment
Emotion is a state of feeling. "I'll cleave to you because of how you make me feel." That’s the world's view of cleaving. Volition is making a choice. Volition is making a commitment. “I’ll cleave because I've made a commitment to cleave. I’ll cleave unconditionally because this is what I've made a commitment to do.” Cleaving is a DECISION in God's design, not a feeling. Cleaving comes from your volition, not your emotion.
Now, we do make the initial decision based on our emotions. We really do. I believe God stirs up those emotions to get the fire going. But the commitment isn't based on those emotions. Because some days, the emotion is just not there. The commitment is based on a choice, but it starts with the fires of emotion.
Most of our relationships started with those fires of emotion (or infatuation), but they must grow to cleaving by choice. I’m going to make a choice. I'm going to make a commitment. And it's going to be permanent.
One thing we must understand about God’s design for marriage; God never, ever, says, “only if you feel like it.” Instead, God says if you will make the choice (the commitment), He will provide the grace and the power to accomplish His will in your marriage. Not only that - but he will bring into your life the blessings that come from trusting and following his design for your marriage.
You make the choice. God provides the grace, power, and blessing. If you will make the choice, he will give you the power. If you will make the commitment, he will back it up supernaturally.
Both leaving and cleaving in God’s design are acts of choice and commitment - NOT feelings and emotions.
There is a drastic problem in our culture…
We’ve been told, “If it feels good DO it” and “If it doesn’t feel good, DON’T do it.” Unbelievably, that has filtered down to Christian marriages. The result is a divorce rate inside the church that is the same as outside the church.
The divorce rate inside the church is the same as outside the church because Christians have started saying, "I deserve to feel good, and if I don't feel good, then I deserve to make the changes necessary so that I do feel good."
But, please hear me when I say, the ‘I deserve to be happy’ approach to life and the ‘I’ve made a decision to follow Jesus Christ’ approach to life, are in two different universes, and it's created a real problem in the Church.
But God has not changed - and his words ‘leaving’ and ‘cleaving’ are still words of choice and decision – not feeling and emotion.
Both leaving and cleaving in God’s design are acts of choice and commitment, NOT feelings and emotions.
In session 3, the definitions for the Hebrew word Leave provided our outline. In this session, the definitions for the word Cleave will do the same.
Let's look at three definitions for the Hebrew word translated CLEAVE.
Hebrew word for Cleave is Dabaq – it has 3 primary definitions:
1) To Pursue Closely
2) To Be Joined Together
3) To Hold Fast Together
Notice the graduating intensity of these definitions.
Level 1 – To Pursue Closely, or Chase after
It happens naturally in the beginning (as a result of emotion). But in order for you to truly cleave to your spouse, that initial pursuing of your spouse must become volitional instead of emotional.
You must choose to pursue closely and chase after your spouse in every area of your marriage. And men, I’m not talking just physically. In every area of your marriage you must pursue closely your spouse.
You’ve got to chase after them. This is an act of your will, your volition. It's not only when your emotions drive you (when you feel like it), but it is regularly and on purpose.
You must choose to ‘chase after’ your spouse.
Level 2 – To Be Joined Together
This definition is used to describe where two pieces of armor are joined together. Right at the joint, that is the word Cleave. This is the definition of cleave used most often in the Bible, and it’s a good one.
At the beginning of a love relationship, we often hear, “Man, it’s like you two are joined together at the hip.” Well, In God’s design for marriage, that is a good thing.
But what does the world tell us??
Be your own person, have your own life.
Do your own thing, don’t smother each other.
But we never hear that kind of advice from God’s word.
And when we try to adopt the world’s view to fit our self-will, that’s when we begin living half-Godly and half-worldly marriages.
God’s word says Cleave - which means to be joined together like two pieces of armor joined at the critical point. There is absolutely no indication here that this means only in one particular compartment or area of your life.
Marriage is not a ‘compartment’ of your life. You cannot be an individual for eight hours a day, then be joined together with your spouse when you get home. You must be joined together with your spouse at all times, in all ways;
Physical – Emotional – Relational – Spiritual - in ALL ways.
So - Level 1 = “To Pursue Closely”
Level 2 = “To Be Joined Together" – and . . .
Level 3 – To Hold Fast Together
This is my favorite definition. The best picture of this definition we have today is in welding.
This definition, to hold fast together, describes the place where two pieces of steel are welded together. If you ask a welder where the strongest point is on two pieces of steel that have been welded together, he’ll tell you, “right at the weld.”
Right at the point of the weld is this definition of cleave. It is by far the strongest point of any place on the two pieces of steel. And so, when we correctly cleave to our spouse, we become many times stronger than either of us could ever be individually.
And, by the way, that welding requires some very hot fire, and each piece must MELT in the process. But when it’s over, there’s nothing stronger than where the refiner's fire has welded those two pieces of steel together.
This final level of cleaving comes over time, as the inevitable fires of marriage cause you to be welded together as one flesh.
In review: 3 Definitions of the Hebrew word for “Cleave”
1) To Pursue Closely
2) To Be Joined Together
3) To Hold Fast Together
Now, let's go through the 7 Principles for Cleaving. Here are 7 areas you can address today to begin to get your marriage in-line with God’s design.
7 PRINCIPLES FOR CLEAVING:
1) LEAVE, to some extent, ALL other Relationships
In some way, and at varying levels of intensity – you must Loosen, Depart From, or Forsake ALL other relationships.
2) COMMIT to God’s Design in every area of your marriage
No matter what condition your marriage is in - God can provide the ‘cleaving glue’ for you to become one flesh. When there doesn’t seem to be anything to cling to in your marriage, God himself must become what you cling to, and commit to. Your marriage is patterned after the most sure and guaranteed love relationship in the world – that of Jesus Christ and His Church.
In Ephesians 5 Paul is talking about marriage and he’s talking about the Church.
Ephesians 5:31–32 (NLT)
31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined (cleaves) to his wife, and the two are united into one.”
32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.
God’s design for your marriage is patterned after Jesus Christ’s relationship with the Church, and you can trust that pattern. No matter what you think or see or feel, Jesus Christ can miraculously heal and restore true cleaving to your marriage. It may take some time. some difficulty, and even some pain – but God designed you to cleave together, and he did that based on HIS ABILITY – not yours.
3) Make Cleaving your ONLY OPTION
True cleaving is volition - not emotion. Cleaving is a choice, not a feeling. In fact, at times, cleaving can be contrary to all your feelings, and so it becomes a commitment to God alone, in complete surrender to Him. Having faith in his grace and his power to strengthen, heal and restore your ability to cleave to your spouse.
His design is for cleaving to be your only option - and he will give you the grace, and the power if you will make the choice.
The number three definition of cleave that we looked at means TO HOLD FAST. It’s a picture of two pieces of steel welded together.
CLEAVING IS A COMMITMENT - A CONSCIOUS CHOICE - NOT A FEELING OR EMOTION
In Matthew Chapter 19, after quoting Genesis 2:24 (our key verse) Jesus says this:
Matthew 19:6 (ESV)
6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
God’s design is for you to never be un-cleaved.
But, to accomplish that, you will have to:
1) Crucify your self-will
2) Leave, to some extent, all other relationships
3) Cleave, no matter what, to one another
When times get tough – we have to fall back on God’s absolutes.
All God needs from us is:
Complete surrender to his will and
Complete crucifying of our self-will.
If we will do that – then God will provide grace and power to bring about his miraculous design of two becoming one flesh – even through the most challenging situations.
4) Make Cleaving your TOP PRIORITY under Christ
ANYTHING in your married life (besides your relationship with Christ) that you put at a higher priority than cleaving to your spouse will prevent you from becoming one flesh in that area.
The easiest example is the brass ring of success. If you get caught up in chasing some temporal dream, instead of chasing your desire to become one flesh, if it’s more important to you to have all the right stuff than it is to cleave to your spouse, then what you may end up with exactly one-half of the right stuff - and no spouse.
Don’t get FOOLED by the lures of this world.
Put cleaving to your spouse, and becoming one flesh, at the highest priority of your life (under Christ.)
5) WE MUST WORK at Cleaving in EVERY area
Consider the instruction God gave to newlyweds in Deuteronomy 24:5:
Deuteronomy 24:5 (NKJV)
5 “When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken.”
A year may not be possible, but God's point is clear . . . cleaving takes work! When you’re first married, concentrate on your marriage. Learn how to cleave because there are times coming when we must “work” at cleaving, and sometimes in the face of very difficult circumstances.
So, we’ve got to learn to WORK at cleaving.
(A) Work at Cleaving Physically (non-sexual)
6) Be SEXUALLY PURE for your spouse in EVERY way
We must Pursue Closely - Be Joined Together - and Hold Fast to our Spouse for ALL of our Sexual needs (critically important).
1 Corinthians 7:2–3 (NLT)
2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.
God’s design is for you to exclusively cleave to your spouse sexually. Sexual intimacy is the God-given super-glue in a marriage, and broken sexual intimacy is one of the toughest trials to overcome.
Sexual intimacy is an incredible double-edged sword. If it’s right, it is unmatched in its ability to produce the miracle of one flesh. If it becomes damaged, it is unmatched in its difficulty to recover from.
If you have been sexually pure – remain that way, at all costs. Do not let the devil rip you off in this area. The benefits are far too significant, and the difficulties far too great, to trade for some temporary pleasure.
If you have not been sexually pure, get pure today. And begin crying out to God (with your spouse) for you to start the long road of healing and reconciliation that your marriage will have to go thru to be restored.
Please hear this: there is no damage, no pain, no difficulty, that is too big for God to heal…
Even though sexual sin can be the most difficult to heal . . . With man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.
When I say you must be sexually pure for your spouse in every way – I'm referring to your eyes and your thoughts.
Pornography is a sin that breaks the principle of cleaving
James 1:14–16 (NLT)
14 Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away.
15 These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.
16 So don’t be misled . . .
Any type of pornography in a marriage must be totally forsaken and completely crucified, or IT WILL destroy your marriage.
Now, the last principle for cleaving to your spouse . . . is such an essential principle and such a critical requirement that it gets its own message devoted to it.
I’m going to tell you the seventh principle for cleaving right now, but then we’re going to take all of next session to dig into it.
The last principle that is continually required in every marriage for you to be able to cleave to our spouse is . . . .
7) Cover your marriage in DIVINE FORGIVENESS
(And that’s the entire message for next week)
Let’s Review - 7 PRINCIPLES FOR CLEAVING;
If your marriage is in difficulty today. No matter how you feel, are you willing to make the choice to cleave, so that God can pour out his grace and his power, to bring the miracle of cleaving into your marriage?
Do you believe that God is powerful enough to heal, to restore, and to make you one flesh?
If so – then here are your RESPONSE Questions
RESPONSE TIME . . .
1). Are you willing to CHOOSE to CLEAVE to your spouse in every way,
no matter how you FEEL?
2). Are you willing to tangibly WORK toward CLEAVING to your spouse in every way, asking for God’s grace and God’s power to enable you?
3). No matter how un-cleaved you find your marriage today, do you believe God is powerful enough to heal, to restore, and to make you one flesh?
Let’s pray . . .
“Heavenly Father, please teach us to cleave in every way. Please give us the faith to choose to cleave no matter the circumstances, no matter the feeling or emotion. Lord, as we make the choice to cleave to one another, please empower us to do so by your Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
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This is our third week looking at Genesis 2:24. So let's make sure we understand it before we leave it.
Our Foundation Verse - Genesis 2:24
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother, and hold fast (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
There are three commands in this verse that we call ‘The Genesis Command’ - Leave - Cleave - Become One Flesh. And . . .
Every serious problem you have in your marriage can be traced back to some conflict with these three commands.
These three commands in Genesis 2:24 address every single marriage problem I've ever seen. The last session, we saw that you cannot become one flesh unless you understand what God means by the word LEAVE.
Today, we’re going to see the same thing with the word CLEAVE. And then, the greatest blessing of becoming one flesh will begin to be within your reach. But you can't begin to become one flesh until you are leaving, and until you are cleaving.
In God’s design, we must first Leave - then we must Cleave, then God says we shall become (a subsequent event) one flesh.
Maybe a more accurate way to say it is; when we are married, we are made positionally one flesh by God. But it is only as we follow God’s design of leaving and cleaving that we practically become one flesh, meaning we actually begin to live in the blessing of becoming one flesh.
This session's focus is CLEAVING. Some parts of this lesson are adapted from “A Biblical Portrait of Marriage” by Dr. Bruce H. Wilkinson, with our appreciation.
CLEAVE
Go back . . . back . . . back . . . to the early days of your love relationship. In those days, cleaving came naturally.
We never had to be told we should:
- Go see our Love
- Hold their hand
- Want to be with them
- Want to make them happy
No one had to tell you, "You guys need to be together. You guys need to gaze longingly into each other's eyes. You need to have a nice long dinner and share your heart with one another." No one told you that you had to do that. You just did it automatically.
I used to ride my ten-speed bike early in the morning along a highway with no shoulder just so I could ride the bus to school with the girl who would become my wife.
You did that, right? You’ve said to yourself, "I’ve got to go see them. I’ve got to figure out how to get there. I know it's not logical, but I’ve got to be there." That's all during the initial stages of cleaving.
Some people call this initial cleaving infatuation, but I’m good with calling it the initial stage of cleaving.
We did all these things because we were head-over-heels in love. We never had to be told in those early days to cleave, because we couldn’t get enough “cleaving” (in that initial sense). That is a great time in every relationship - and God uses it. I believe God uses those feelings to initially attract you to each other and to light the fire of the relationship.
And, when we in those early days of cleaving. We were confident that we were doing all those things for them (because we loved them so much).
However . . . as much as you might have thought that, in actuality, in the early stage of your relationship, you were actually doing those things (to a large extent) for . . . YOURSELF!!!
It was actually because of how it made YOU feel that you were always with them, holding their hand, and even making them happy.
That first season of cleaving was based on how cleaving made YOU feel, and again, that’s okay, because God uses those initial feelings to light the fire.
However, that first season of cleaving – is actually a very shallow understanding of what the word cleave really means.
That first season of cleaving is based on wonderful feelings. But it doesn't take anything to cleave to someone who is giving you all the right feelings. You’re feeling warm and fuzzy all over when you’re cleaving to them. But that initial cleaving has very little to do with God’s definition of cleaving.
The problem is, God would never actually design something as wonderful as marriage by telling us to rely on our emotions or feelings.
God would never take your fickle and fleeting emotions and base such a broad foundation of your life on them because they can so quickly start running every which way. God would not say to you, "You need to cleave to your spouse because of how it makes you feel.” Or, “You need to cleave to your spouse because you get the warm and fuzzy feelings from them when you do." God would never do that.
Cleaving in God's design is not conditional; it is unconditional. Our emotions are conditional. We feel good cleaving one day; we don't really feel good cleaving the next day. And God would never base his design of marriage on something as conditional as our emotions.
Marriage is permanent, our emotions or feelings are always changing. God would never base something as permanent as marriage on something as fleeting as our feelings. Don’t get me wrong; God is a God of emotion, and he’s given us wonderful emotions to share with each other. And becoming one flesh in your marriage involves the most wonderful emotions . . . However;
God has never said, and never will say, you are to cleave to your spouse based on your emotions or feelings. God’s miraculous design for you to cleave is not conditional, meaning it is not based on how you feel. Cleaving in a marriage relationship (as God designed it) is not based on emotion, it is based on volition.
Session 4 – Most Important Point
Cleaving is not based on Emotion. It is based on Volition.
Emotion = A State of Feeling
Volition = Making a Choice or Commitment
Emotion is a state of feeling. "I'll cleave to you because of how you make me feel." That’s the world's view of cleaving. Volition is making a choice. Volition is making a commitment. “I’ll cleave because I've made a commitment to cleave. I’ll cleave unconditionally because this is what I've made a commitment to do.” Cleaving is a DECISION in God's design, not a feeling. Cleaving comes from your volition, not your emotion.
Now, we do make the initial decision based on our emotions. We really do. I believe God stirs up those emotions to get the fire going. But the commitment isn't based on those emotions. Because some days, the emotion is just not there. The commitment is based on a choice, but it starts with the fires of emotion.
Most of our relationships started with those fires of emotion (or infatuation), but they must grow to cleaving by choice. I’m going to make a choice. I'm going to make a commitment. And it's going to be permanent.
One thing we must understand about God’s design for marriage; God never, ever, says, “only if you feel like it.” Instead, God says if you will make the choice (the commitment), He will provide the grace and the power to accomplish His will in your marriage. Not only that - but he will bring into your life the blessings that come from trusting and following his design for your marriage.
You make the choice. God provides the grace, power, and blessing. If you will make the choice, he will give you the power. If you will make the commitment, he will back it up supernaturally.
Both leaving and cleaving in God’s design are acts of choice and commitment - NOT feelings and emotions.
There is a drastic problem in our culture…
We’ve been told, “If it feels good DO it” and “If it doesn’t feel good, DON’T do it.” Unbelievably, that has filtered down to Christian marriages. The result is a divorce rate inside the church that is the same as outside the church.
The divorce rate inside the church is the same as outside the church because Christians have started saying, "I deserve to feel good, and if I don't feel good, then I deserve to make the changes necessary so that I do feel good."
But, please hear me when I say, the ‘I deserve to be happy’ approach to life and the ‘I’ve made a decision to follow Jesus Christ’ approach to life, are in two different universes, and it's created a real problem in the Church.
But God has not changed - and his words ‘leaving’ and ‘cleaving’ are still words of choice and decision – not feeling and emotion.
Both leaving and cleaving in God’s design are acts of choice and commitment, NOT feelings and emotions.
In session 3, the definitions for the Hebrew word Leave provided our outline. In this session, the definitions for the word Cleave will do the same.
Let's look at three definitions for the Hebrew word translated CLEAVE.
Hebrew word for Cleave is Dabaq – it has 3 primary definitions:
1) To Pursue Closely
2) To Be Joined Together
3) To Hold Fast Together
Notice the graduating intensity of these definitions.
Level 1 – To Pursue Closely, or Chase after
It happens naturally in the beginning (as a result of emotion). But in order for you to truly cleave to your spouse, that initial pursuing of your spouse must become volitional instead of emotional.
You must choose to pursue closely and chase after your spouse in every area of your marriage. And men, I’m not talking just physically. In every area of your marriage you must pursue closely your spouse.
You’ve got to chase after them. This is an act of your will, your volition. It's not only when your emotions drive you (when you feel like it), but it is regularly and on purpose.
You must choose to ‘chase after’ your spouse.
Level 2 – To Be Joined Together
This definition is used to describe where two pieces of armor are joined together. Right at the joint, that is the word Cleave. This is the definition of cleave used most often in the Bible, and it’s a good one.
At the beginning of a love relationship, we often hear, “Man, it’s like you two are joined together at the hip.” Well, In God’s design for marriage, that is a good thing.
But what does the world tell us??
Be your own person, have your own life.
Do your own thing, don’t smother each other.
But we never hear that kind of advice from God’s word.
And when we try to adopt the world’s view to fit our self-will, that’s when we begin living half-Godly and half-worldly marriages.
God’s word says Cleave - which means to be joined together like two pieces of armor joined at the critical point. There is absolutely no indication here that this means only in one particular compartment or area of your life.
Marriage is not a ‘compartment’ of your life. You cannot be an individual for eight hours a day, then be joined together with your spouse when you get home. You must be joined together with your spouse at all times, in all ways;
Physical – Emotional – Relational – Spiritual - in ALL ways.
So - Level 1 = “To Pursue Closely”
Level 2 = “To Be Joined Together" – and . . .
Level 3 – To Hold Fast Together
This is my favorite definition. The best picture of this definition we have today is in welding.
This definition, to hold fast together, describes the place where two pieces of steel are welded together. If you ask a welder where the strongest point is on two pieces of steel that have been welded together, he’ll tell you, “right at the weld.”
Right at the point of the weld is this definition of cleave. It is by far the strongest point of any place on the two pieces of steel. And so, when we correctly cleave to our spouse, we become many times stronger than either of us could ever be individually.
And, by the way, that welding requires some very hot fire, and each piece must MELT in the process. But when it’s over, there’s nothing stronger than where the refiner's fire has welded those two pieces of steel together.
This final level of cleaving comes over time, as the inevitable fires of marriage cause you to be welded together as one flesh.
In review: 3 Definitions of the Hebrew word for “Cleave”
1) To Pursue Closely
2) To Be Joined Together
3) To Hold Fast Together
Now, let's go through the 7 Principles for Cleaving. Here are 7 areas you can address today to begin to get your marriage in-line with God’s design.
7 PRINCIPLES FOR CLEAVING:
1) LEAVE, to some extent, ALL other Relationships
In some way, and at varying levels of intensity – you must Loosen, Depart From, or Forsake ALL other relationships.
2) COMMIT to God’s Design in every area of your marriage
No matter what condition your marriage is in - God can provide the ‘cleaving glue’ for you to become one flesh. When there doesn’t seem to be anything to cling to in your marriage, God himself must become what you cling to, and commit to. Your marriage is patterned after the most sure and guaranteed love relationship in the world – that of Jesus Christ and His Church.
In Ephesians 5 Paul is talking about marriage and he’s talking about the Church.
Ephesians 5:31–32 (NLT)
31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined (cleaves) to his wife, and the two are united into one.”
32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.
God’s design for your marriage is patterned after Jesus Christ’s relationship with the Church, and you can trust that pattern. No matter what you think or see or feel, Jesus Christ can miraculously heal and restore true cleaving to your marriage. It may take some time. some difficulty, and even some pain – but God designed you to cleave together, and he did that based on HIS ABILITY – not yours.
3) Make Cleaving your ONLY OPTION
True cleaving is volition - not emotion. Cleaving is a choice, not a feeling. In fact, at times, cleaving can be contrary to all your feelings, and so it becomes a commitment to God alone, in complete surrender to Him. Having faith in his grace and his power to strengthen, heal and restore your ability to cleave to your spouse.
His design is for cleaving to be your only option - and he will give you the grace, and the power if you will make the choice.
The number three definition of cleave that we looked at means TO HOLD FAST. It’s a picture of two pieces of steel welded together.
CLEAVING IS A COMMITMENT - A CONSCIOUS CHOICE - NOT A FEELING OR EMOTION
In Matthew Chapter 19, after quoting Genesis 2:24 (our key verse) Jesus says this:
Matthew 19:6 (ESV)
6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
God’s design is for you to never be un-cleaved.
But, to accomplish that, you will have to:
1) Crucify your self-will
2) Leave, to some extent, all other relationships
3) Cleave, no matter what, to one another
When times get tough – we have to fall back on God’s absolutes.
All God needs from us is:
Complete surrender to his will and
Complete crucifying of our self-will.
If we will do that – then God will provide grace and power to bring about his miraculous design of two becoming one flesh – even through the most challenging situations.
4) Make Cleaving your TOP PRIORITY under Christ
ANYTHING in your married life (besides your relationship with Christ) that you put at a higher priority than cleaving to your spouse will prevent you from becoming one flesh in that area.
The easiest example is the brass ring of success. If you get caught up in chasing some temporal dream, instead of chasing your desire to become one flesh, if it’s more important to you to have all the right stuff than it is to cleave to your spouse, then what you may end up with exactly one-half of the right stuff - and no spouse.
Don’t get FOOLED by the lures of this world.
Put cleaving to your spouse, and becoming one flesh, at the highest priority of your life (under Christ.)
5) WE MUST WORK at Cleaving in EVERY area
Consider the instruction God gave to newlyweds in Deuteronomy 24:5:
Deuteronomy 24:5 (NKJV)
5 “When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken.”
A year may not be possible, but God's point is clear . . . cleaving takes work! When you’re first married, concentrate on your marriage. Learn how to cleave because there are times coming when we must “work” at cleaving, and sometimes in the face of very difficult circumstances.
So, we’ve got to learn to WORK at cleaving.
(A) Work at Cleaving Physically (non-sexual)
- We need to be joined together physically. This means we spend time first and foremost with our spouse. And we need to develop a physical relationship – that is not sexual.
- We must be joined together emotionally. This means sharing our deepest emotions with our spouse. We need to let our spouse into our emotional life.
- We must have a strong spiritual relationship with our spouse. Seldom do we see a couple in counseling that are regularly praying, reading God’s Word, and seeking God together. We must develop our spiritual relationship with our spouse.
6) Be SEXUALLY PURE for your spouse in EVERY way
We must Pursue Closely - Be Joined Together - and Hold Fast to our Spouse for ALL of our Sexual needs (critically important).
1 Corinthians 7:2–3 (NLT)
2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.
God’s design is for you to exclusively cleave to your spouse sexually. Sexual intimacy is the God-given super-glue in a marriage, and broken sexual intimacy is one of the toughest trials to overcome.
Sexual intimacy is an incredible double-edged sword. If it’s right, it is unmatched in its ability to produce the miracle of one flesh. If it becomes damaged, it is unmatched in its difficulty to recover from.
If you have been sexually pure – remain that way, at all costs. Do not let the devil rip you off in this area. The benefits are far too significant, and the difficulties far too great, to trade for some temporary pleasure.
If you have not been sexually pure, get pure today. And begin crying out to God (with your spouse) for you to start the long road of healing and reconciliation that your marriage will have to go thru to be restored.
Please hear this: there is no damage, no pain, no difficulty, that is too big for God to heal…
Even though sexual sin can be the most difficult to heal . . . With man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.
When I say you must be sexually pure for your spouse in every way – I'm referring to your eyes and your thoughts.
Pornography is a sin that breaks the principle of cleaving
- Pornography WILL prevent you from cleaving to your spouse
- Pornography WILL prevent you from becoming one flesh
James 1:14–16 (NLT)
14 Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away.
15 These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.
16 So don’t be misled . . .
Any type of pornography in a marriage must be totally forsaken and completely crucified, or IT WILL destroy your marriage.
Now, the last principle for cleaving to your spouse . . . is such an essential principle and such a critical requirement that it gets its own message devoted to it.
I’m going to tell you the seventh principle for cleaving right now, but then we’re going to take all of next session to dig into it.
The last principle that is continually required in every marriage for you to be able to cleave to our spouse is . . . .
7) Cover your marriage in DIVINE FORGIVENESS
(And that’s the entire message for next week)
Let’s Review - 7 PRINCIPLES FOR CLEAVING;
- LEAVE, to some extent, ALL other relationships
- COMMIT to God’s Design in every area of your marriage
- Make cleaving your ONLY OPTION
- Make cleaving your TOP PRIORITY under Christ
- WORK at cleaving in EVERY area
- Be SEXUALLY PURE for your spouse in EVERY way
- Cover your marriage in DIVINE FORGIVENESS
If your marriage is in difficulty today. No matter how you feel, are you willing to make the choice to cleave, so that God can pour out his grace and his power, to bring the miracle of cleaving into your marriage?
Do you believe that God is powerful enough to heal, to restore, and to make you one flesh?
If so – then here are your RESPONSE Questions
RESPONSE TIME . . .
1). Are you willing to CHOOSE to CLEAVE to your spouse in every way,
no matter how you FEEL?
2). Are you willing to tangibly WORK toward CLEAVING to your spouse in every way, asking for God’s grace and God’s power to enable you?
3). No matter how un-cleaved you find your marriage today, do you believe God is powerful enough to heal, to restore, and to make you one flesh?
Let’s pray . . .
“Heavenly Father, please teach us to cleave in every way. Please give us the faith to choose to cleave no matter the circumstances, no matter the feeling or emotion. Lord, as we make the choice to cleave to one another, please empower us to do so by your Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
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