Communication Part 1

Session 10 (Audio Only)

Session 10 M.I.P. (Most Important Point)
FOR GODLY COMMUNICATION, CLEANSE YOUR OWN HEART OF SIN, THEN BE QUICK TO HEAR, SLOW TO SPEAK AND SLOW TO ANGER.

Communication is the critical “Life Flow” of our marriages and it’s an area that can easily become so difficult. Communication often tops the list of marriage problems and can be the “final straw” that can topple a marriage. Many spouses point to a breakdown in communication as the “final nail” in the death of a marriage, because communication is the flow of life in a marriage.

Consider what God has gone through to communicate with us: the Bible is God’s love letter to us; Jesus is the “expression” (communication) of God to us; the Holy Spirit resides in us to enable our communication with God. Our relationship with God resides within our communication with God. Our relationship with our spouse resides within our communication with our spouse. All we have studied in the last nine session on marriage, it all resides within the process of communication. Leaving and Cleaving, Divine Forgiveness, Supporting One Another and especially Our Roles. All of these topics work out or reside within communication, that’s how important communication is!

Kay Arthur describes communication as “The art of listening, watching and sharing.” Would that really define communication in your marriage? Or would the idea of two “trains of thoughts" better define your communication style in your marriage?

TRAINS OF THOUGHT

Imagine two trains of thought. One train is sent out of your station with all the engines under full power and you’re sure when that train of thought reaches your spouse, certainly they will receive it.
The only problem is, your spouse is sending out their own train of thought at the same time, on the same track, with just as much engine power.

So just about half way between your two “train stations”, there’s a head on collision of two trains of thought under full power. The accident is often ugly, the trains derail, the track is now blocked and there are often innocent victims of a train wreck.

Sometimes it’s not just two trains colliding, but one of the receiving train stations is shut down altogether. Hurt, unforgiveness, anger can all put a receiving station into such disrepair that it can’t even receive a train of thought at all. It must be fully renovated (healed) before it can accept any trains.

Is your communication the art of listening, watching and sharing? Or is your communication the picture of two trains of thought on a collision course. The problem is often very easy to spot. The question is how can we prevent it or repair it? How can we communicate as God designed us to?

A MATTER OF THE HEART

First we must understand communication is a matter of your own heart. If you are having communication conflicts in your marriage, the first place you must look for transformation is your own heart.

In Luke 6:43, at the conclusion of the “plank and speck” parable (you know, remove the telephone pole out of your own eye and then you can begin to deal with the speck in your spouse’s eye,) on the heels of that Jesus is going to say, “your words reveal your heart.”

Luke 6:43-45 (NLT);
43 “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit.
44 A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes.
45 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.

Angry heart = Bitter words
Loving heart = Loving words

Right now, God’s word needs to begin to pierce our hearts and we need to begin repenting for what’s coming out of our heart.

1Pet 3:8-12 (NLT)
8 Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.
9 Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.
(When you receive an “insult” train of thought from your spouse, what kind of train do you send back?)
10 For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies.
11 Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it.
12 The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil.”

We need a renewing of our heart toward our spouse. We must repent of the sin that has caused “train wrecks” of our words. Keep your tongue from speaking evil, search for peace, work to maintain it because “The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil.”
What causes the fire, the poison, the knife of our tongue is sin in our heart, usually anger, bitterness and unforgiveness.

So the first step toward godly communication is not becoming a better talker, it’s dealing with the sin in our own heart. It’s that sin that’s causing you to spew toxic waste into your marriage. It’s the sin in your own heart that’s causing the train wrecks of communication in your marriage. Those feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment… are sin. If you don’t confess and repent of them, if you don’t crucify that sin and allow God to transform you, you will continue to create head-on train wrecks in your marriage. But… if you will allow God to cleanse your heart of the sin that corrupts your communication, then you’ll be on the right track.

Jay Adams says, “Unconfessed and unforgiven sin always leads to a breakdown in one’s relationship when there is unresolved sin. Husbands hide from their wives and wives cover up parts of their lives. In order to re-establish communication in intimacy, it is first necessary to eliminate the sin that is blocking the communication.”

The first step is to deal with the sin in your own heart, which is really the root of your communication problems. And as we’ve been saying over and over, we deal with that sin by following Rom 21:1-2.

First – we present that part of our SELF to be consumed by God as a sacrifice (crucify your “self” interest and “self focus”.)
Second – we allow the power of God to transform us by the renewing of our mind, by focusing our spiritual growth on this area.

We talked about this last session, and throughout the course I have been giving you ways to focus your spiritual growth on these individual areas. Let me just encourage you to DO IT!!

We are going to look primarily at one verse for renewing your mind in this area of communication. (Quick to hear.) We are going to look at James 1:19, but before we do, let’s look at this session’s Most Important Point.

Session 10 M.I.P. (Most Important Point)
FOR GODLY COMMUNICATION, CLEANSE YOUR OWN HEART OF SIN, THEN BE QUICK TO HEAR, SLOW TO SPEAK, SLOW TO ANGER.

SWIFT TO HEAR

James 1:19 (ESV)
19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

This is exactly opposite of our nature and this is exactly why we experience so many communication train wrecks.

Let’s look at the first requirement, “quick to hear.” Let me repeat – this is the first requirement. Let me ask you, how many words has your spouse spoken before you begin formulating your “response.” Isn’t our nature exactly opposite? We are “slow” to hear and “quick” to speak. Actually, we already know what they’re going to say… so we have to  get our train ready to send out of the station… to prepare for that head on collision, right?

Instead, can I suggest something very simple to you? Park it! We have got to park our train of thought. Another way of saying this a bit clearer is, we must SHUT… DOWN our thought creating process.

We must SHUT DOWN our thought creating process and we must open up our thought receiving process. We’ve got to put all our effort, all our focus into really receiving what our spouse is saying. THAT is being quick to hear.

So after dealing with the sin of your own heart… the first requirement of godly communication is real focused (on purpose) listening.

One of the greatest discoveries of true communication is the awesome power of truly listening. Listen proactively, with real effort. This means you cannot be reloading your guns (I mean your thoughts) while your spouse is talking. Put yourself in your spouse’s place and honestly ask yourself, “Do I really understand how they are feeling… really?” The way we do this is by using Phil 2:3-4.

Phil 2:3-4 (NLT)
3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.
4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

What if we really did that? What if we really thought of our spouse higher than we thought of our self? What if we really put their opinions higher than our own? We’ve got to really put ourselves in their position… doing our best to understand their position instead of always pushing our own agenda.

Phil 2:3-4 is really describing our word “empathy.” Webster’s definition of “empathy:” the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.

What if we really did that when communicating with our spouse?

One last thing about this being “quick to hear” – if you interrupt your spouse that means you’re not listening.  It means, instead, that you’re looking for an opportunity to push your “self train” back into the conversation.

IF YOU INTERRUPT YOUR SPOUSE THAT MEANS YOU AREN’T LISTENING!

SLOW TO SPEAK

James 1:19 (ESV)
19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

I love the definition of “slow.” It means: “inactive in mind.”   Before you release that nuclear cannon hiding in your mouth, be inactive in your mind. Just stop – be inactive. That does not mean you never speak, that’s bad too. I actually have this bad habit of responding only in my mind and never actually speaking – this causes my family some stress. It is important that you do respond (in love) but before you do… slow to speak means stop loading the cannon for a minute.

First, put yourself in your spouse’s position – feel what they are feeling – hold their opinion higher than your own. And when you do speak, speak the truth in love.

Ephesians 4:15 (NLT)
15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ . . . 

It is vital that we communicate, but first – be slow (inactive in mind) before speaking. Then, speak the truth.

Speaking the truth in love (more on this next session) is a vital key to communication.
  • After you’ve crucified your ‘self-will’
  • After you’ve really listened to what your spouse has said . . .
  • Next – you’ve got to dig way down into your heart, and honestly share what you are actually feeling - IN LOVE.

Speaking the truth does not mean you get to bluntly beat your spouse up with harsh judgment and criticism, all in the name of “truth.” Here’s what I want to talk about in regards to speaking the truth in love.

Some of us, when we feel ‘hurt’ – we say, “You’re a Jerk.”
When we feel ‘rejected’ – we say, “I don’t need you.”
When we feel ‘unloved’ – we say, “Why don’t you ever help me?”

But speaking the truth in love would be…
When you feel ‘Hurt’ – you need to say, “I feel really hurt.”
When you feel ‘Rejected’ – you need to say, “I feel really rejected.”
When you feel ‘Unloved’ – you need to say, “I feel really unloved.”

SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE

Your spouse cannot read your mind (not even between the lines). It’s critical you share how you really feel and it’s critical that you put what you’re really feeling into accurately descriptive words.

There’s another guide to speaking the truth in love. In fact, it’s a guide for ALL things done in love.

1 Corinthians 13:4–8 (NLT)
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud
5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
8. . . love will last forever!

That is the definition of God’s agape love. And so, when you get to speaking the truth, speak it within those guidelines.
Speak in AGAPE LOVE.

SLOW TO WRATH

One more time James 1:19 (ESV)
19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 

If you are “quick to hear” and if you are “slow to speak” you will be “slow to anger.”

Anger is the death knell to communication and the death of communication can mean death of a marriage. Once you get angry all real communication ends and instead you begin building a coffin for your marriage. When you begin to feel angry, do not sin! Stop talking, walk away, fall on your knees, and take a break. Get an anger accountability partner and go call them. Do something besides feeding your anger, then unleashing it.

Ephesians 4:26–27 (NLT)
26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,
27 for anger gives a foothold to the devil.

Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry . . .

You must recognize your anger as sin and deal with it immediately (in your own heart.) If it can’t be resolved, at least ask for forgiveness for your anger.

WHY? Why not just let your anger stew and boil? Because Eph 4:27 says “for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” If you nurse your anger you will give a place for the devil to work.

I know you’re right. You deserve to be angry… your spouse deserves to get anger stew for dinner tonight. It’s their fault and they deserve it. Listen carefully; you are setting a place at the dinner table for the devil. Trust me, he will take advantage of the place you have set for him and he will go to work quick, fast and in a hurry. His one and only goal is to steal, kill and destroy. And that is exactly what he’ll do in your marriage, if you swing the door wide open and give him free reign in your anger.

In 2 Cor Ch 2 Paul is talking about the importance of forgiveness.

2 Corinthians 2:10–11 (ESV)
10 Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive . . .
11 so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs 
(schemes).

Fueling your unforgiveness and anger is a classic scheme of the devil, and if you set the devil that place in your marriage he will gladly take it. Don’t be ignorant of his devices. Protect your heart (and your marriage) through divine forgiveness and by being transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Let’s review. The first two steps to God’s design for communication:
  • Cleanse your own heart of sin. Crucify “self.” Be transformed.
  • Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Speak the truth in love.

Finally, let me suggest a "protection process" for you to use during your transformation in this area:

2-Step action required while working on the above steps:
Step 1 - Extend tongue between upper and lower teeth
Step 2 - Clamp teeth firmly together.

Hold this position until you’ve dealt with your own sin and can speak the truth in love.

RESPONSE TIME…
  • How often can your communication be described as “Two trains of thought on a collision course?”
           Seldom                Frequently                Always

  • Do you justify your anger at your spouse, or do you acknowledge it as sin?     
             Justify it             Acknowledge it as sin

  • Are you willing to repent of your sin of anger and be swift to hear and slow to speak?
                                                                                 
“Heavenly Father, I am so sorry for my sin of anger toward my spouse, please forgive me. I repent of this sin. Please give me the power by your Holy Spirit to not sin when I feel angry. I thank you for my spouse, please help me crucify my anger, and be swift to hear and slow to speak. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

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