Long-Haul Forgiveness
Acts 24:16
Message #12
In Acts Chapter 24, the Apostle Paul is on trial before the Roman Governor – Felix. He had done nothing to deserve arrest or to be on trial. But the religious leaders in Jerusalem had completely fabricated charges against Paul, and those fabricated charges led to over two years in prison Caesarea, then a trip to Rome as a prisoner, and finally to his death. To say that the fabricated lies of these religious leaders caused real offense to Paul would be one of the biggest understatements in the Bible.
But in the midst of it, Paul makes this statement while in prison and on trial as a result of the completely fabricated accusations of the religious leaders.
Acts 24:16 (NKJV)
16 . . . I myself always strive to have a conscience without offense toward God and men.
This final season of Paul’s life driven by purely false accusations, required from Paul – what I would call long-haul forgiveness.
It takes real effort (striving) to stay free from offense for the long haul. Long-haul forgiveness requires disciplined long-haul effort. Listen to this same verse in the KJV.
Acts 24:16 (KJV) again - Paul speaking
16 And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men.
This word translated strive or exercise means “exerting strenuous effort to accomplish something.” The Apostle Paul is saying, though I was genuinely wronged leading to false imprisonment, yet I always exert strenuous effort to have a conscience VOID of offense toward God and men.
That is long-haul forgiveness.
There is one type of offense or one level of offense that we may normally be able to handle that would be the type (or level) of offense that we can forgive relatively easily and move on from.
But then… there is another type (level) of offense that is much harder to overcome, or forgive or move on from.
Maybe it’s the depth of the injury
Maybe it’s the length of time the offense occurred
Maybe it’s because that person is still a regular part of our life
These are next-level offenses, and these offenses require long-haul forgiveness.
But listen, please. Before we dig into this, I need you to hear one thing very loud and very clear. We do not suggest EVER that a person STAY in ANY type of abusive environment. If you or anyone you know is currently IN an abusive environment of any kind, we strongly encourage you to remove yourself (or that person) from that environment immediately. THEN get the help you need after you remove yourself from that abusive environment. Does everyone understand I am NOT going to imply today, anyone should stay in any kind of abusive environment?
With that being said, let’s talk about what it takes to live in long-haul forgiveness. Long-haul forgiveness is needed anytime you find yourself unable to release someone from an offense they have caused you, especially when the offense is real – not just perceived. I’ve seen the need for long-haul forgiveness in the church a lot. And I think most of us have experienced the need for long-haul forgiveness in some area of our lives, whether inside or outside the church.
And we desperately need to learn how to walk in long-haul forgiveness because holding on to prolonged unforgiveness in our lives is torture! Two weeks ago, we saw in Matthew Chapter 18 in the parable of the unforgiving servant that unforgiveness put that servant in a prison of torture.
Prolonged unforgiveness is a poison that eats away at us from the inside; it gnaws away at us – it tortures us. It affects how we relate to God (vertically), and it affects how we relate to others (horizontally). Unforgiveness separates us from God relationally. It causes our relationship with the Lord to seem dry and stale.
Turn to Psalm 32. The New Testament makes it clear that we are called (commanded) to forgive as we have been forgiven. So, as Christ-followers, we have to start with accepting the fact that our unforgiveness is a sin, and living in a prolonged state of sin separates us from God.
Psalm 32:3–4 (NLT)
3 When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long.
4 Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Isn’t that what prolonged unforgiveness does to us? Isn’t that how the poison of unforgiveness makes us feel?
Psalm 32:5 (NLT)
5 Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
This is what happens when we turn from prolonged unforgiveness and turn to long-haul forgiveness. And do you see the joy at the end of verse 5? And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone. (Like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.)
And then, finally, verse 6.
Psalm 32:6 (NLT)
6 Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time, that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.
The first step toward being set free in this area is to acknowledge and confess to God that we are drowning in the floodwaters of unforgiveness. And first, we ask God to forgive us, recognizing that our unforgiveness is damaging our relationship with God and with others, and in our confession, we’ve got to have a strong commitment to break the chains of the bondage that come from holding on to that unforgiveness.
So, first, we recognize and confess our prolonged unforgiveness is a sin that is separating us from God. Hold unforgiveness – expect to be separated from God. Don’t expect to be able to hear from God, don’t expect to be able to be led by the Spirit because your sin has separated you from God. (Isaiah 59:1-2 says His ear’s not heavy that it can’t hear. His arm’s not short that it can’t heal. But your sins have separated you from your God.)
And then, we make a full, all-in commitment to forgive AS we have been forgiven.
Trusting in the character and nature of God, we choose out of obedience and fully trusting God. Our relationship with the Lord is volitional; it is not emotional. What it means is God doesn’t say “if you feel like it.” God never says, well, if you feel like forgiving, maybe you should. That’s not God; that’s the devil. God says, forgive, and you say Yes, Lord, or you say, No you’re not Lord. Those are your only two choices.
We first forgive purely out of obedience.
Colossians 3, verse 13, is one of the verses that we must tape to our forehead. We forgive out of obedience. These two words, volitional and emotional, are such important words for us to learn how to follow Jesus. We follow Jesus by choice not by feeling. Here’s what the Word of God says.
Colossians 3:13 (NLT)
13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. (Why? What’s your motivation?) Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
This is the whole concept of Matthew Chapter 18 that we did two weeks ago. If we understand how great a forgiveness we’ve been given, then when the Lord says, “I forgave you, so you forgive others,” we kind of make that connection.
This is not a verse about feeling – this is a verse about obedience.
We say, “Lord, all I know is that this is my issue, not theirs. That this is my sin, the sin of unforgiveness. That it’s separating me from you, and so, Lord, based on your character and your nature, and the power of your Holy Spirit I choose – I choose. That’s all I have is a choice. I choose to forgive.”
That’s just the beginning.
Not that we need another verse, but just in case we get tired of that first one, try this one. You’ve heard me say this before, but Jesus only commented on one thing in the Lord’s Prayer. This is a big deal. We need to look at the Word and say, why would God in the Flesh (Jesus) give what we call the “Lord’s Prayer” and then say, Look, don’t miss this part. Like – catch this commentary. This is right after the Lord’s Prayer.
Matthew 6:14–15 (NLT)
14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Now, in the full context of scripture, we don’t see this as a loss of salvation; instead, we see it as a loss of relationship. Meaning refusing to forgive AS you have been forgiven will separate you from the Father.
So, understanding this truth, we acknowledge that our unforgiveness is sin that is separating us from God. And so, we choose out of conviction, and confession, and repentance, and remorse, all of those things that cause us to turn from evil, to turn from sin and turn to God), we choose out of obedience and fully trusting God, we choose to forgive. We choose to forgive, and we commit to forgive, and then we practice forgiveness.
But we don’t practice it until we really deal with the sin in our own heart. But then, we practice long-haul forgiveness.
When Jesus tells us how to practice long-haul forgiveness (Sermon on the Mount), it looks like this in Matthew 5, verse 44.
Matthew 5:44 (NLT)
44 But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!
NKJV ADDS the words - . . . bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you . . .
Isn’t that another reason we get so worked up? We think people offend us on purpose, don’t we? They are sinners naturally. They didn’t stay up all night planning how to hurt you. But we think they did.
And these words bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you is an expansion or a description of how we are to love our enemies.
If we reach this place spiritually where we want our relationship restored with God, then this is what Jesus says to do. Put it into practice. Deal with God emotionally, relationally, spiritually – get right. Understand where you’re at. And then go do it. Love your enemy. Bless them. Do good for them.
The real beginning is that confession, that repentance, and understanding it’s your sin that is separating you from God.
This command from Jesus can be what begins to take us from forgiving out of obedience to being set free from our unforgiveness.
So, let’s just start with praying.
Matthew 5:44 says Pray for those who persecute you! And pray for those who spitefully use you
If we choose to pray for a person, it can often begin in the flesh. So then, we say I’m supposed to pray for their good. But the Holy Spirit impresses on us until we say, “Lord, you want me to really pray for their good. I need your Holy Spirit to do that. I can’t do that.” But now we are in this point of confession, and honesty, and transparency with the Lord, and we say, “Lord, I can’t do that. I need you to be that prayer in me. I need you Holy Spirit to empower me to pray for that person who has spitefully used me, who has offended me.”
By the power of the Holy Spirit, we can begin to pray for those we think we can’t forgive. Most often, this prayer will begin strictly out of obedience, and it may feel forced and not real at the beginning.
But we are called to do it, and what God calls us to do, God empowers us to do.
So, we may start strictly out of obedience. But the goal is to pray for those who have hurt us with the same heart AS Jesus prayed for those who hurt him, and not just hurt him – but crucified him.
We need to pray for our enemies the same way Jesus did. Right? We need to pray for those who hurt us or are hurting us the same way Jesus did. What’s the best example of Jesus’ prayer for those who hurt him?
And he prayed,
Luke 23:34 (NLT)
34 . . .“Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”
When we move from praying for our enemies strictly out of obedience to praying for them with the heart of Jesus, THAT is when we begin to move toward complete freedom from the torture of prolonged unforgiveness.
We can say, “How, Jesus would you pray for them?” Jesus would pray for their salvation. He would pray for their transformation. He would pray that their eyes would be opened to the things they need to be opened to. We can pray that way – we can pray the way that Jesus would pray. And when we do, we take on the heart of Jesus, we begin to be transformed into his image, and we begin to move towards long-haul forgiveness.
And finally, on our road to being set free from prolonged unforgiveness, there may come a time when we have the opportunity to meet with and talk with the person we’ve been unable to forgive.
For me, this scares me to death because it is so hard to have the right heart when you do this. It’s so hard. And the reason it is hard is because of our pride. We think we have the right heart, but when you go to a person, and you think you have the right heart, and you end up making it worse than before you came, you made that mistake. You weren’t ready. We have to have the right heart.
And IF GOD leads us to that and enables that to happen, it’s critically important that we approach that opportunity carefully.
First, we confess to God our sin of unforgiveness, and we ask God to first forgive us for refusing to forgive as we have been forgiven. This unforgiveness is our sin. This separation of us from God is from our sin. It’s not from them; it’s from us. And so we’ve got to embrace all of the responsibility for what’s happening. We say, “Lord, this is on me. This isn’t on them.” And we’ve really got to get that, we’ve really, really, really got to feel it. And we’ve got to have this real commitment to the Lord – allow me to forgive as you have forgiven me. Allow me to forgive in the same way, to the same extent as you’ve forgiven me.
Then, we genuinely pray for that person, seeking the power of the Holy Spirit in the name of Jesus. You know, when we say “in the name of Jesus” at the end of a prayer, it’s not some “magic incantation. “In the name of” means “according to the character and nature.” This is what it means. And when we say, “in the name of Jesus,” we mean, “Lord, everything that is according to your character and nature, may that be done. Everything else, just disregard.” So, when we pray, in the name of Jesus, we pray, “Lord, cause my heart to pray for them according to your character and your nature. Cause my heart to be broken for them as your heart is broken for them.” And we pray until our hearts are praying what Jesus would pray for them.
And when we meet with that person, we commit to showing them mercy. Mercy is NOT giving someone what they deserve. That’s what you got from God. God did not give you what you deserve. And so now he calls you to show mercy to that person that you think has wronged you so bad, but their wrong to you isn’t a tenth of your wrong to God. But you see them as having so wronged you. God calls you to give them mercy – to not give them what they deserve. That means you recognize they deserve something, a right response, and you don’t give that to them. Instead, you give them grace and forgiveness. “Grace” is “giving someone what they don’t deserve.” We meet them with true divine forgiveness in our heart. Forgiveness is NOT counting their offense against them. It’s washed away; it’s wiped away.
And so you go with mercy, grace, forgiveness. And all the stuff that has made you crazy, that has kept you up at night, that you’ve obsessed about, and you’ve talked about, and you’ve slandered that person and gossiped that person to everybody around you… all that stuff – you just let it go. And you go in with mercy, and grace, and forgiveness. And so now, the subject matter is not the offense because if you’re not going to give them what they deserve, mercy, and if you are going to give them what they don’t deserve, grace, and if you are not going to hold them to account for their actions, forgiveness – then what do you have to talk about?
This is no easier for me to do than it is for you. It’s hard, maybe harder for me. Here’s the supernatural transformation. “Please forgive me for not forgiving you.”
Not, “I forgive you for all those horrible things you did, you were such an idiot, you caused so much pain, you traumatized me, and did this wrong, and I’m such an awesome Christian I forgive all of that.” That’s not it. That’s judgmental Pharisee-ism.
You come to that person and say, “Please forgive me for holding this offense against you.” That will change your life. That’s hard.
And we go in fervent love.
1 Peter 4:8 (NKJV)
8 And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”
This fervent love is defined as “a persistent effort of agape.” And 1 Peter 4, verse 8 says this fervent “agape” love will cover a multitude of sins.
Listen to what Jack Hayford says about agape.
Jack Hayford
Agape denotes an undefeatable benevolence and unconquerable goodwill that always seeks the highest good of the other person . . . [it] gives freely without asking anything in return, and does not consider the worth of its object . . . Agape describes the unconditional love God has for the world.
To achieve long-haul forgiveness, we must be refined and matured by God until we can give out the full agape love that God has given us through the Holy Spirit.
If we will let him, God will refine us and mature us through the hardship of long-haul forgiveness. And God wants to mature us under that pressure, and God wants to refine us in the fire. And so, we have to let God in his love and by his Holy Spirit guide us through long-haul forgiveness.
Some offenses will not be quick or easy to forgive. But in those hardships, God will grow us and refine us and make us more like Jesus.
1) MAY WE – always STRIVE (exert strenuous effort) to have a conscience without offense toward God and others
2) MAY WE COMMIT – to LOVE our enemies, and pray for them – AS Jesus would pray for them
And through this process of long-haul forgiveness
3) MAY WE DEVELOP – a fervent AGAPE love for those who have wronged us
But in the midst of it, Paul makes this statement while in prison and on trial as a result of the completely fabricated accusations of the religious leaders.
Acts 24:16 (NKJV)
16 . . . I myself always strive to have a conscience without offense toward God and men.
This final season of Paul’s life driven by purely false accusations, required from Paul – what I would call long-haul forgiveness.
It takes real effort (striving) to stay free from offense for the long haul. Long-haul forgiveness requires disciplined long-haul effort. Listen to this same verse in the KJV.
Acts 24:16 (KJV) again - Paul speaking
16 And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men.
This word translated strive or exercise means “exerting strenuous effort to accomplish something.” The Apostle Paul is saying, though I was genuinely wronged leading to false imprisonment, yet I always exert strenuous effort to have a conscience VOID of offense toward God and men.
That is long-haul forgiveness.
There is one type of offense or one level of offense that we may normally be able to handle that would be the type (or level) of offense that we can forgive relatively easily and move on from.
But then… there is another type (level) of offense that is much harder to overcome, or forgive or move on from.
Maybe it’s the depth of the injury
Maybe it’s the length of time the offense occurred
Maybe it’s because that person is still a regular part of our life
These are next-level offenses, and these offenses require long-haul forgiveness.
But listen, please. Before we dig into this, I need you to hear one thing very loud and very clear. We do not suggest EVER that a person STAY in ANY type of abusive environment. If you or anyone you know is currently IN an abusive environment of any kind, we strongly encourage you to remove yourself (or that person) from that environment immediately. THEN get the help you need after you remove yourself from that abusive environment. Does everyone understand I am NOT going to imply today, anyone should stay in any kind of abusive environment?
With that being said, let’s talk about what it takes to live in long-haul forgiveness. Long-haul forgiveness is needed anytime you find yourself unable to release someone from an offense they have caused you, especially when the offense is real – not just perceived. I’ve seen the need for long-haul forgiveness in the church a lot. And I think most of us have experienced the need for long-haul forgiveness in some area of our lives, whether inside or outside the church.
And we desperately need to learn how to walk in long-haul forgiveness because holding on to prolonged unforgiveness in our lives is torture! Two weeks ago, we saw in Matthew Chapter 18 in the parable of the unforgiving servant that unforgiveness put that servant in a prison of torture.
Prolonged unforgiveness is a poison that eats away at us from the inside; it gnaws away at us – it tortures us. It affects how we relate to God (vertically), and it affects how we relate to others (horizontally). Unforgiveness separates us from God relationally. It causes our relationship with the Lord to seem dry and stale.
Turn to Psalm 32. The New Testament makes it clear that we are called (commanded) to forgive as we have been forgiven. So, as Christ-followers, we have to start with accepting the fact that our unforgiveness is a sin, and living in a prolonged state of sin separates us from God.
Psalm 32:3–4 (NLT)
3 When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long.
4 Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Isn’t that what prolonged unforgiveness does to us? Isn’t that how the poison of unforgiveness makes us feel?
Psalm 32:5 (NLT)
5 Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
This is what happens when we turn from prolonged unforgiveness and turn to long-haul forgiveness. And do you see the joy at the end of verse 5? And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone. (Like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.)
And then, finally, verse 6.
Psalm 32:6 (NLT)
6 Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time, that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.
The first step toward being set free in this area is to acknowledge and confess to God that we are drowning in the floodwaters of unforgiveness. And first, we ask God to forgive us, recognizing that our unforgiveness is damaging our relationship with God and with others, and in our confession, we’ve got to have a strong commitment to break the chains of the bondage that come from holding on to that unforgiveness.
So, first, we recognize and confess our prolonged unforgiveness is a sin that is separating us from God. Hold unforgiveness – expect to be separated from God. Don’t expect to be able to hear from God, don’t expect to be able to be led by the Spirit because your sin has separated you from God. (Isaiah 59:1-2 says His ear’s not heavy that it can’t hear. His arm’s not short that it can’t heal. But your sins have separated you from your God.)
And then, we make a full, all-in commitment to forgive AS we have been forgiven.
Trusting in the character and nature of God, we choose out of obedience and fully trusting God. Our relationship with the Lord is volitional; it is not emotional. What it means is God doesn’t say “if you feel like it.” God never says, well, if you feel like forgiving, maybe you should. That’s not God; that’s the devil. God says, forgive, and you say Yes, Lord, or you say, No you’re not Lord. Those are your only two choices.
We first forgive purely out of obedience.
Colossians 3, verse 13, is one of the verses that we must tape to our forehead. We forgive out of obedience. These two words, volitional and emotional, are such important words for us to learn how to follow Jesus. We follow Jesus by choice not by feeling. Here’s what the Word of God says.
Colossians 3:13 (NLT)
13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. (Why? What’s your motivation?) Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
This is the whole concept of Matthew Chapter 18 that we did two weeks ago. If we understand how great a forgiveness we’ve been given, then when the Lord says, “I forgave you, so you forgive others,” we kind of make that connection.
This is not a verse about feeling – this is a verse about obedience.
We say, “Lord, all I know is that this is my issue, not theirs. That this is my sin, the sin of unforgiveness. That it’s separating me from you, and so, Lord, based on your character and your nature, and the power of your Holy Spirit I choose – I choose. That’s all I have is a choice. I choose to forgive.”
That’s just the beginning.
Not that we need another verse, but just in case we get tired of that first one, try this one. You’ve heard me say this before, but Jesus only commented on one thing in the Lord’s Prayer. This is a big deal. We need to look at the Word and say, why would God in the Flesh (Jesus) give what we call the “Lord’s Prayer” and then say, Look, don’t miss this part. Like – catch this commentary. This is right after the Lord’s Prayer.
Matthew 6:14–15 (NLT)
14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Now, in the full context of scripture, we don’t see this as a loss of salvation; instead, we see it as a loss of relationship. Meaning refusing to forgive AS you have been forgiven will separate you from the Father.
So, understanding this truth, we acknowledge that our unforgiveness is sin that is separating us from God. And so, we choose out of conviction, and confession, and repentance, and remorse, all of those things that cause us to turn from evil, to turn from sin and turn to God), we choose out of obedience and fully trusting God, we choose to forgive. We choose to forgive, and we commit to forgive, and then we practice forgiveness.
But we don’t practice it until we really deal with the sin in our own heart. But then, we practice long-haul forgiveness.
When Jesus tells us how to practice long-haul forgiveness (Sermon on the Mount), it looks like this in Matthew 5, verse 44.
Matthew 5:44 (NLT)
44 But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!
NKJV ADDS the words - . . . bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you . . .
Isn’t that another reason we get so worked up? We think people offend us on purpose, don’t we? They are sinners naturally. They didn’t stay up all night planning how to hurt you. But we think they did.
And these words bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you is an expansion or a description of how we are to love our enemies.
If we reach this place spiritually where we want our relationship restored with God, then this is what Jesus says to do. Put it into practice. Deal with God emotionally, relationally, spiritually – get right. Understand where you’re at. And then go do it. Love your enemy. Bless them. Do good for them.
The real beginning is that confession, that repentance, and understanding it’s your sin that is separating you from God.
This command from Jesus can be what begins to take us from forgiving out of obedience to being set free from our unforgiveness.
So, let’s just start with praying.
Matthew 5:44 says Pray for those who persecute you! And pray for those who spitefully use you
If we choose to pray for a person, it can often begin in the flesh. So then, we say I’m supposed to pray for their good. But the Holy Spirit impresses on us until we say, “Lord, you want me to really pray for their good. I need your Holy Spirit to do that. I can’t do that.” But now we are in this point of confession, and honesty, and transparency with the Lord, and we say, “Lord, I can’t do that. I need you to be that prayer in me. I need you Holy Spirit to empower me to pray for that person who has spitefully used me, who has offended me.”
By the power of the Holy Spirit, we can begin to pray for those we think we can’t forgive. Most often, this prayer will begin strictly out of obedience, and it may feel forced and not real at the beginning.
But we are called to do it, and what God calls us to do, God empowers us to do.
So, we may start strictly out of obedience. But the goal is to pray for those who have hurt us with the same heart AS Jesus prayed for those who hurt him, and not just hurt him – but crucified him.
We need to pray for our enemies the same way Jesus did. Right? We need to pray for those who hurt us or are hurting us the same way Jesus did. What’s the best example of Jesus’ prayer for those who hurt him?
And he prayed,
Luke 23:34 (NLT)
34 . . .“Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”
When we move from praying for our enemies strictly out of obedience to praying for them with the heart of Jesus, THAT is when we begin to move toward complete freedom from the torture of prolonged unforgiveness.
We can say, “How, Jesus would you pray for them?” Jesus would pray for their salvation. He would pray for their transformation. He would pray that their eyes would be opened to the things they need to be opened to. We can pray that way – we can pray the way that Jesus would pray. And when we do, we take on the heart of Jesus, we begin to be transformed into his image, and we begin to move towards long-haul forgiveness.
And finally, on our road to being set free from prolonged unforgiveness, there may come a time when we have the opportunity to meet with and talk with the person we’ve been unable to forgive.
For me, this scares me to death because it is so hard to have the right heart when you do this. It’s so hard. And the reason it is hard is because of our pride. We think we have the right heart, but when you go to a person, and you think you have the right heart, and you end up making it worse than before you came, you made that mistake. You weren’t ready. We have to have the right heart.
And IF GOD leads us to that and enables that to happen, it’s critically important that we approach that opportunity carefully.
First, we confess to God our sin of unforgiveness, and we ask God to first forgive us for refusing to forgive as we have been forgiven. This unforgiveness is our sin. This separation of us from God is from our sin. It’s not from them; it’s from us. And so we’ve got to embrace all of the responsibility for what’s happening. We say, “Lord, this is on me. This isn’t on them.” And we’ve really got to get that, we’ve really, really, really got to feel it. And we’ve got to have this real commitment to the Lord – allow me to forgive as you have forgiven me. Allow me to forgive in the same way, to the same extent as you’ve forgiven me.
Then, we genuinely pray for that person, seeking the power of the Holy Spirit in the name of Jesus. You know, when we say “in the name of Jesus” at the end of a prayer, it’s not some “magic incantation. “In the name of” means “according to the character and nature.” This is what it means. And when we say, “in the name of Jesus,” we mean, “Lord, everything that is according to your character and nature, may that be done. Everything else, just disregard.” So, when we pray, in the name of Jesus, we pray, “Lord, cause my heart to pray for them according to your character and your nature. Cause my heart to be broken for them as your heart is broken for them.” And we pray until our hearts are praying what Jesus would pray for them.
And when we meet with that person, we commit to showing them mercy. Mercy is NOT giving someone what they deserve. That’s what you got from God. God did not give you what you deserve. And so now he calls you to show mercy to that person that you think has wronged you so bad, but their wrong to you isn’t a tenth of your wrong to God. But you see them as having so wronged you. God calls you to give them mercy – to not give them what they deserve. That means you recognize they deserve something, a right response, and you don’t give that to them. Instead, you give them grace and forgiveness. “Grace” is “giving someone what they don’t deserve.” We meet them with true divine forgiveness in our heart. Forgiveness is NOT counting their offense against them. It’s washed away; it’s wiped away.
And so you go with mercy, grace, forgiveness. And all the stuff that has made you crazy, that has kept you up at night, that you’ve obsessed about, and you’ve talked about, and you’ve slandered that person and gossiped that person to everybody around you… all that stuff – you just let it go. And you go in with mercy, and grace, and forgiveness. And so now, the subject matter is not the offense because if you’re not going to give them what they deserve, mercy, and if you are going to give them what they don’t deserve, grace, and if you are not going to hold them to account for their actions, forgiveness – then what do you have to talk about?
This is no easier for me to do than it is for you. It’s hard, maybe harder for me. Here’s the supernatural transformation. “Please forgive me for not forgiving you.”
Not, “I forgive you for all those horrible things you did, you were such an idiot, you caused so much pain, you traumatized me, and did this wrong, and I’m such an awesome Christian I forgive all of that.” That’s not it. That’s judgmental Pharisee-ism.
You come to that person and say, “Please forgive me for holding this offense against you.” That will change your life. That’s hard.
And we go in fervent love.
1 Peter 4:8 (NKJV)
8 And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”
This fervent love is defined as “a persistent effort of agape.” And 1 Peter 4, verse 8 says this fervent “agape” love will cover a multitude of sins.
Listen to what Jack Hayford says about agape.
Jack Hayford
Agape denotes an undefeatable benevolence and unconquerable goodwill that always seeks the highest good of the other person . . . [it] gives freely without asking anything in return, and does not consider the worth of its object . . . Agape describes the unconditional love God has for the world.
To achieve long-haul forgiveness, we must be refined and matured by God until we can give out the full agape love that God has given us through the Holy Spirit.
If we will let him, God will refine us and mature us through the hardship of long-haul forgiveness. And God wants to mature us under that pressure, and God wants to refine us in the fire. And so, we have to let God in his love and by his Holy Spirit guide us through long-haul forgiveness.
Some offenses will not be quick or easy to forgive. But in those hardships, God will grow us and refine us and make us more like Jesus.
1) MAY WE – always STRIVE (exert strenuous effort) to have a conscience without offense toward God and others
2) MAY WE COMMIT – to LOVE our enemies, and pray for them – AS Jesus would pray for them
And through this process of long-haul forgiveness
3) MAY WE DEVELOP – a fervent AGAPE love for those who have wronged us