Communication Part 1
Session 10
Communication Part 1
Pastor Dave Shepardson, wordbymail.com
Welcome back to God's Design for Marriage - Session 10
Communication is the critical life flow of our marriages, and it is an area that can easily become a problem. Communication often tops the list of marriage problems and can be the final straw that can topple a marriage. Many spouses point to a breakdown in communication as the final nail in the death of a marriage. That is how critical this subject is.
Consider what God has gone through to communicate with us: the Bible is God’s love letter to us; Jesus is the “Expression” (Communication) of God to us; the Holy Spirit resides in us to enable our communication with God. Our relationship with God resides within our communication with God, and our relationship with our spouse resides within our communication with our spouse.
Everything we have studied in the last nine sessions on marriage resides within communication. Leaving and cleaving, divine forgiveness, supporting one another, and especially our roles. All of these areas of our marriage reside within communication, so getting it right or getting it fixed is essential.
Kay Arthur describes communication as “The art of listening, watching and sharing.” Would that honestly define communication in your marriage? Or would the idea of two ‘trains of thought’ better define your communication style in your marriage?
TRAINS OF THOUGHT
Imagine two trains of thought. One train (of thought) is sent out of your station with all the engines under full power, and you are sure that when your train of thought reaches your spouse, they will undoubtedly receive it. The only problem is that your spouse is sending out their own train of thought simultaneously, on the same track, with just as much engine power.
So, just about halfway between your two train stations, there is a head-on collision of your two trains of thought under full power. The accident is often ugly: the trains derail, the track is now blocked, and there are often innocent victims of that train wreck.
Sometimes, it’s not two trains colliding, but one of the receiving train stations is shut down completely. Hurt, unforgiveness, and anger can all put a receiving station into such disrepair that it can’t even receive a train of thought at all. It must be fully renovated (healed) before it can accept any trains of thought.
Is communication in your marriage the art of listening, watching, and sharing? Or is your communication the picture of two trains of thought regularly on a collision course? The problem is often easy to spot. The question is, how can we prevent or repair this trainwreck of communication? How can we begin to communicate as God designed us to?
A MATTER OF THE HEART
First, we must understand that communication is a matter of your own heart. If you are having communication conflicts in your marriage, the first place you must look for transformation is your own heart.
In Luke 6:43, after the plank and speck parable (you know, remove the telephone pole from your own eye, and then you can begin to deal with the speck in your spouse’s eye), on the heels of that, Jesus is going to say, “your words reveal your heart.”
Luke 6:43-45 (NLT)
43 “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit.
44 A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes.
45 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.
Angry heart = Bitter words
Loving heart = Loving words
Speaking of our hearts. Right now, God’s word needs to begin to pierce our hearts, and we may need to start repenting for what’s coming out of our hearts.
Look at 1 Peter 3:8-9 (NLT)
8 Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.
9 Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.
When you receive an ‘insult train’ of thought from your spouse, what kind of train do you send back? Do you send your own ‘insult train’ right back? Or do you do your best to send some ‘blessing train’ back? And, honestly, when an ‘insult train’ is sent to you, sometimes the best blessing to send back is no train at all. Understand?
1 Peter 3:10-12 says (NLT)
10 For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies.
11 Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it.
12 The eyes of the LORD watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the LORD turns his face against those who do evil.”
Keep your tongue from speaking evil, search for peace, and work to maintain it.
If that sounds like a big ask, you may need to completely renew your heart toward your spouse. And that renewing of your heart begins with confessing and repenting of the sin that has caused the ‘train wrecks’ in your communication.
Keep your tongue from speaking evil, search for peace, and work to maintain it because “The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil.”
So, the first step toward godly communication is not becoming a better talker; it’s dealing with the sin in our own hearts. It’s that sin that’s causing you to spew toxic waste into your marriage. The sin in your heart is causing the trainwrecks of communication in your marriage - those feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment are sins. If you don’t confess and repent of them, if you don’t crucify that sin and allow God to transform you, you will continue to create those train wrecks in your marriage. But, if you allow God to cleanse your heart of the sin that corrupts your communication, you can get your communication back on the right track.
Jay Adams says, “Unconfessed and unforgiven sin always leads to a breakdown in [a marriage] relationship. Husbands hide from their wives, and their wives cover up parts of their lives. In order to re-establish intimacy in communication, it is first necessary to eliminate the sin that is blocking the communication.”
The first step is to deal with the sin in your heart, which is the root of your communication problems. And as we’ve been saying repeatedly, we deal with that sin by following Romans 12:1-2.
First – we present this part of our SELF to be consumed by God as a sacrifice. This means that we must crucify our self-interest and our self-focus.
Second – we allow the power of God to transform us by renewing our minds - by focusing our spiritual growth on this specific area.
We talked about this last session, and throughout the course, I have been giving you ways to focus your spiritual growth on the areas of your marriage that you need most. So, let me gently encourage you: please GET STARTED!
Today, we will look primarily at one verse to renew your mind in the area of communication. We are going to look at James 1:19, but before we do, let’s look at this session’s Most Important Point.
Session 10 M.I.P. (Most Important Point)
For Godly communication, cleanse your own heart of sin, then be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
QUICK TO HEAR
James 1:19 (ESV)
19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
Let’s look at the first requirement, “be quick to hear.” Being quick to hear and slow to speak is the opposite of our nature, which is why this is the cause of so many communication train wrecks.
Let me ask you, how many words has your spouse spoken before you begin formulating your ‘response.’ Our sinful nature is the exact opposite of this verse. By nature, we are “slow” to hear and “quick” to speak. And so, sometime before our spouse even begins to speak, we are so sure of what they will say that we are already preparing our train to send out of the station to counter their train - before they even get their train of thought started.
Instead, can I suggest something very simple to you? Just PARK IT! We have got to park our own train of thought. Another way of saying this is that we’ve got to just SHUT . . . DOWN our thought-creating process.
We must shut down our thought-creating process and open up our thought-receiving process. We’ve got to put all our effort and focus into genuinely receiving what our spouse is trying to express. That is being quick to hear.
So, after dealing with the sin of your own heart, the first requirement of godly communication is genuine, focused, on purpose, listening. One of the greatest secrets of authentic communication is the tremendous power of truly listening. Listening proactively, with real effort. This means you cannot be reloading your guns (I mean your thoughts) while your spouse is talking. You’ve got to put yourself in your spouse’s place and ask yourself, “Do I really understand how they are feeling and what they are trying to express?” We do this by committing to Philippians 2:3-4.
Philippians 2:3-4 (NLT)
3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.
4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
What if we really did that? What if we thought of our spouse higher than we thought of ourselves? What if we really put their opinions higher than our own? We’ve got to put ourselves into their shoes, doing our best to understand their position instead of always being ready to push our thoughts or agenda on them.
Philippians 2:3- 4 really describes our word “empathy.” Webster’s definition of empathy is the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another. What if we really did that when communicating with our spouse?
One last thing about being quick to hear: if you interrupt your spouse, it automatically means you are not listening. It means, instead, that you’re looking for an opportunity to push your self-train back into the conversation.
IF YOU INTERRUPT YOUR SPOUSE, IT MEANS YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!
SLOW TO SPEAK
Again, James 1:19 (ESV)
19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
I love the definition of “slow.” It means: “inactive in mind.”
Before you release that cannon hiding in your mouth, be inactive in your mind. Just stop – be inactive. That does not mean you never speak; that’s bad, too. It is important that you do respond (in love), but before you respond, STOP and be slow to speak. Stop loading the cannon for a minute. First, put yourself in your spouse’s position – feel what they are feeling – hold their opinion higher than your own. And when you do speak, speak the truth in love.
SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE
Ephesians 4:15 (NLT)
15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ . . .
It is vital that we communicate, but first, we should be slow (inactive in mind) before speaking. Then, speak the truth in love. This is a vital step to Godly communication. After you’ve crucified your ‘self-will,’ after you’ve really listened to what your spouse has said, next, you’ve got to dig deep into your heart and honestly share what you are feeling - IN LOVE.
Speaking the truth does not mean you get to bluntly beat your spouse up with harsh judgment and criticism, all in the name of “truth.” Instead, here is a good example of speaking the truth - but in love.
Some of us, when we feel ‘hurt’ – we say, “You’re a Jerk.”
When we feel ‘rejected’ – we say, “I don’t need you.”
When we feel ‘unloved’ – we say, “Why don’t you ever help me?”
But speaking the truth in love would be. . .
When you feel ‘Hurt’ – you say, “I feel really hurt.”
When you feel ‘Rejected’ – you say, “I feel really rejected.”
When you feel ‘Unloved’ – you say, “I feel really unloved.”
Your spouse cannot read your mind. So, it’s critical that you share how you really feel, doing your best to put what you’re honestly feeling into accurately descriptive words.
There’s another guide to speaking the truth in love. In fact, it’s a guide for ALL things done in love.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8 (NLT)
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud
5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
8. . . love will last forever!
That is the definition of God’s agape love. And so, when you speak the truth, you speak it within these guidelines. Speak in God’s AGAPE LOVE.
SLOW TO WRATH
One more time, James 1:19 (ESV)
19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
If you are “quick to hear” and if you are “slow to speak,” then you will have a good chance of being “slow to anger.” Anger is the death knell to communication, and the death knell of communication can mean the death knell of a marriage. Once you get angry, all real communication ends, and instead, you begin sliding down a slippery slope in your marriage.
When you begin to feel angry, do not sin! Stop talking, take a break, fall on your knees, and pray. Get an anger accountability partner and go call them. Do something besides feeding your anger and then unleashing it.
Ephesians 4:26–27 (NLT)
26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,
27 for anger gives a foothold to the devil.
Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. You must recognize your anger as a sin and deal with it immediately (in your own heart.) If the issue cannot be resolved immediately, ask for forgiveness for your anger and return to the problem later.
WHY? Why not just let your anger stew and boil? Because Ephesians 4:27 says, “for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” You will give the devil a place to work if you nurse your anger.
I know you feel like you are right. You feel like you deserve to be angry. Your spouse deserves to have anger stew for dinner tonight. It’s their fault, and they deserve it. Listen carefully - you are setting a place at the dinner table for the devil. The devil will take advantage of the place you have set for him, and he will go to work quick, fast, and in a hurry. Remember, his one and only goal is to steal, kill and destroy. And that is precisely what he’ll do in your marriage if you swing the door open and give him free rein in your anger.
In 2 Cor Ch 2, Paul is talking about the importance of forgiveness.
2 Corinthians 2:10–11 (ESV)
10 Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive . . .
11 so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs (schemes).
Fueling your unforgiveness and anger is a classic scheme of the devil, and if you set the devil that place in your marriage, he will gladly take it. Please don’t be ignorant of his devices. Protect your heart (and your marriage) through divine forgiveness and by being transformed by renewing your mind.
Let’s review the first two steps of God’s design for communication:
1) Cleanse your own heart of sin by crucifying your “self” and being transformed.
2) Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, and speak the truth in love.
Finally, let me suggest a “protection process” for you to use during your transformation in this area.
2-Step action required while being transformed in your communication:
Step 1 - Extend tongue between upper and lower teeth
Step 2 - Clamp teeth firmly together.
Hold this position until you’ve dealt with your own sin and can speak the truth in love.
RESPONSE TIME
How often can your communication be described as “Two trains of thought on a collision course?”
Seldom Frequently Always
Do you justify your anger, or do you acknowledge it as sin?
Justify it Acknowledge it as sin
Are you willing to repent of your sin of anger and be swift to hear and slow to speak?
Let’s Pray
“Heavenly Father, I am so sorry for my sin of anger toward my spouse; please forgive me. I repent of this sin. Please give me the power by your Holy Spirit not to sin when I feel angry. I thank you for my spouse. Please help me crucify my anger and be quick to hear and slow to speak. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Communication - Part 1
Session 10 - Homework # 1
SCRIPTURE: Luke 6:43-45, Rom 12:1-2 Date __________
PRAY
COMMUNICATE
Talk about the illustration of “two trains of thought.” Discuss how often your communication looks like two trains heading toward each other on the same track.
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LISTEN and RESPOND
Read Luke 6:43-45 carefully and thoughtfully.
According to the words coming out of your mouth, are there things in your heart that God wants to heal and transform?
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LISTEN and RESPOND
Read Rom 12:1-2 again, thinking specifically about the above question.
Write down some ways that you can present this area of your life to God as a sacrifice. And write how you may be able to begin “renewing your mind” in this area.
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SCRIPTURE: Jas 1:19, Rom 12:1-2 Date ____________
PRAY
LISTEN and RESPOND
Read James 1:19.
Of the 3 commands here, which one are you the BEST at? And give an example.
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Which one are you the WORST at? And give an example.
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COMMUNICATE
Discuss your answers with your spouse. Repent and ask forgiveness as necessary.
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PRAY TOGETHER
Pray about this subject. Ask God’s forgiveness, and commit to God and your spouse to focus your spiritual growth on the area of communication you need most to be transformed in.
Communication - Part 1
Session 10 - Homework # 2
SCRIPTURE: James 1:19-27, Eph 4:26-27 Date___________
PRAY
LISTEN
Read James 1:19-27 at least twice.
RESPOND
Write about what role our tongue (communication) plays in us being a doer rather than just a hearer. And write about what role our tongue plays in hypocrisy or “worthless religion.”
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PRAY
Pray with your spouse that God would save you from the hypocrisy of worthless religion, and pray that one of the signs of your true “new life” would be how you communicate with your spouse.
LISTEN
Read Eph 4:26-27. Don’t think the words “Be angry” somehow permit anger.
The NLT translates these verses this way: 26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 for anger gives a foothold to the devil.
Similarly, the NIV translates the beginning of v.26: “In your anger do not sin.”
RESPOND
How often does anger control the way you communicate with your spouse?
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When controlled by anger, how does your communication give place to the devil? Write at least one real-life example.
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PRAY TOGETHER
Make a commitment in prayer to seek God’s transformation in the area of communication in your marriage.
Pastor Dave Shepardson, wordbymail.com
Welcome back to God's Design for Marriage - Session 10
Communication is the critical life flow of our marriages, and it is an area that can easily become a problem. Communication often tops the list of marriage problems and can be the final straw that can topple a marriage. Many spouses point to a breakdown in communication as the final nail in the death of a marriage. That is how critical this subject is.
Consider what God has gone through to communicate with us: the Bible is God’s love letter to us; Jesus is the “Expression” (Communication) of God to us; the Holy Spirit resides in us to enable our communication with God. Our relationship with God resides within our communication with God, and our relationship with our spouse resides within our communication with our spouse.
Everything we have studied in the last nine sessions on marriage resides within communication. Leaving and cleaving, divine forgiveness, supporting one another, and especially our roles. All of these areas of our marriage reside within communication, so getting it right or getting it fixed is essential.
Kay Arthur describes communication as “The art of listening, watching and sharing.” Would that honestly define communication in your marriage? Or would the idea of two ‘trains of thought’ better define your communication style in your marriage?
TRAINS OF THOUGHT
Imagine two trains of thought. One train (of thought) is sent out of your station with all the engines under full power, and you are sure that when your train of thought reaches your spouse, they will undoubtedly receive it. The only problem is that your spouse is sending out their own train of thought simultaneously, on the same track, with just as much engine power.
So, just about halfway between your two train stations, there is a head-on collision of your two trains of thought under full power. The accident is often ugly: the trains derail, the track is now blocked, and there are often innocent victims of that train wreck.
Sometimes, it’s not two trains colliding, but one of the receiving train stations is shut down completely. Hurt, unforgiveness, and anger can all put a receiving station into such disrepair that it can’t even receive a train of thought at all. It must be fully renovated (healed) before it can accept any trains of thought.
Is communication in your marriage the art of listening, watching, and sharing? Or is your communication the picture of two trains of thought regularly on a collision course? The problem is often easy to spot. The question is, how can we prevent or repair this trainwreck of communication? How can we begin to communicate as God designed us to?
A MATTER OF THE HEART
First, we must understand that communication is a matter of your own heart. If you are having communication conflicts in your marriage, the first place you must look for transformation is your own heart.
In Luke 6:43, after the plank and speck parable (you know, remove the telephone pole from your own eye, and then you can begin to deal with the speck in your spouse’s eye), on the heels of that, Jesus is going to say, “your words reveal your heart.”
Luke 6:43-45 (NLT)
43 “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit.
44 A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes.
45 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.
Angry heart = Bitter words
Loving heart = Loving words
Speaking of our hearts. Right now, God’s word needs to begin to pierce our hearts, and we may need to start repenting for what’s coming out of our hearts.
Look at 1 Peter 3:8-9 (NLT)
8 Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.
9 Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.
When you receive an ‘insult train’ of thought from your spouse, what kind of train do you send back? Do you send your own ‘insult train’ right back? Or do you do your best to send some ‘blessing train’ back? And, honestly, when an ‘insult train’ is sent to you, sometimes the best blessing to send back is no train at all. Understand?
1 Peter 3:10-12 says (NLT)
10 For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies.
11 Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it.
12 The eyes of the LORD watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the LORD turns his face against those who do evil.”
Keep your tongue from speaking evil, search for peace, and work to maintain it.
If that sounds like a big ask, you may need to completely renew your heart toward your spouse. And that renewing of your heart begins with confessing and repenting of the sin that has caused the ‘train wrecks’ in your communication.
Keep your tongue from speaking evil, search for peace, and work to maintain it because “The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil.”
So, the first step toward godly communication is not becoming a better talker; it’s dealing with the sin in our own hearts. It’s that sin that’s causing you to spew toxic waste into your marriage. The sin in your heart is causing the trainwrecks of communication in your marriage - those feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment are sins. If you don’t confess and repent of them, if you don’t crucify that sin and allow God to transform you, you will continue to create those train wrecks in your marriage. But, if you allow God to cleanse your heart of the sin that corrupts your communication, you can get your communication back on the right track.
Jay Adams says, “Unconfessed and unforgiven sin always leads to a breakdown in [a marriage] relationship. Husbands hide from their wives, and their wives cover up parts of their lives. In order to re-establish intimacy in communication, it is first necessary to eliminate the sin that is blocking the communication.”
The first step is to deal with the sin in your heart, which is the root of your communication problems. And as we’ve been saying repeatedly, we deal with that sin by following Romans 12:1-2.
First – we present this part of our SELF to be consumed by God as a sacrifice. This means that we must crucify our self-interest and our self-focus.
Second – we allow the power of God to transform us by renewing our minds - by focusing our spiritual growth on this specific area.
We talked about this last session, and throughout the course, I have been giving you ways to focus your spiritual growth on the areas of your marriage that you need most. So, let me gently encourage you: please GET STARTED!
Today, we will look primarily at one verse to renew your mind in the area of communication. We are going to look at James 1:19, but before we do, let’s look at this session’s Most Important Point.
Session 10 M.I.P. (Most Important Point)
For Godly communication, cleanse your own heart of sin, then be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.
QUICK TO HEAR
James 1:19 (ESV)
19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
Let’s look at the first requirement, “be quick to hear.” Being quick to hear and slow to speak is the opposite of our nature, which is why this is the cause of so many communication train wrecks.
Let me ask you, how many words has your spouse spoken before you begin formulating your ‘response.’ Our sinful nature is the exact opposite of this verse. By nature, we are “slow” to hear and “quick” to speak. And so, sometime before our spouse even begins to speak, we are so sure of what they will say that we are already preparing our train to send out of the station to counter their train - before they even get their train of thought started.
Instead, can I suggest something very simple to you? Just PARK IT! We have got to park our own train of thought. Another way of saying this is that we’ve got to just SHUT . . . DOWN our thought-creating process.
We must shut down our thought-creating process and open up our thought-receiving process. We’ve got to put all our effort and focus into genuinely receiving what our spouse is trying to express. That is being quick to hear.
So, after dealing with the sin of your own heart, the first requirement of godly communication is genuine, focused, on purpose, listening. One of the greatest secrets of authentic communication is the tremendous power of truly listening. Listening proactively, with real effort. This means you cannot be reloading your guns (I mean your thoughts) while your spouse is talking. You’ve got to put yourself in your spouse’s place and ask yourself, “Do I really understand how they are feeling and what they are trying to express?” We do this by committing to Philippians 2:3-4.
Philippians 2:3-4 (NLT)
3 Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.
4 Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
What if we really did that? What if we thought of our spouse higher than we thought of ourselves? What if we really put their opinions higher than our own? We’ve got to put ourselves into their shoes, doing our best to understand their position instead of always being ready to push our thoughts or agenda on them.
Philippians 2:3- 4 really describes our word “empathy.” Webster’s definition of empathy is the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another. What if we really did that when communicating with our spouse?
One last thing about being quick to hear: if you interrupt your spouse, it automatically means you are not listening. It means, instead, that you’re looking for an opportunity to push your self-train back into the conversation.
IF YOU INTERRUPT YOUR SPOUSE, IT MEANS YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!
SLOW TO SPEAK
Again, James 1:19 (ESV)
19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
I love the definition of “slow.” It means: “inactive in mind.”
Before you release that cannon hiding in your mouth, be inactive in your mind. Just stop – be inactive. That does not mean you never speak; that’s bad, too. It is important that you do respond (in love), but before you respond, STOP and be slow to speak. Stop loading the cannon for a minute. First, put yourself in your spouse’s position – feel what they are feeling – hold their opinion higher than your own. And when you do speak, speak the truth in love.
SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE
Ephesians 4:15 (NLT)
15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ . . .
It is vital that we communicate, but first, we should be slow (inactive in mind) before speaking. Then, speak the truth in love. This is a vital step to Godly communication. After you’ve crucified your ‘self-will,’ after you’ve really listened to what your spouse has said, next, you’ve got to dig deep into your heart and honestly share what you are feeling - IN LOVE.
Speaking the truth does not mean you get to bluntly beat your spouse up with harsh judgment and criticism, all in the name of “truth.” Instead, here is a good example of speaking the truth - but in love.
Some of us, when we feel ‘hurt’ – we say, “You’re a Jerk.”
When we feel ‘rejected’ – we say, “I don’t need you.”
When we feel ‘unloved’ – we say, “Why don’t you ever help me?”
But speaking the truth in love would be. . .
When you feel ‘Hurt’ – you say, “I feel really hurt.”
When you feel ‘Rejected’ – you say, “I feel really rejected.”
When you feel ‘Unloved’ – you say, “I feel really unloved.”
Your spouse cannot read your mind. So, it’s critical that you share how you really feel, doing your best to put what you’re honestly feeling into accurately descriptive words.
There’s another guide to speaking the truth in love. In fact, it’s a guide for ALL things done in love.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8 (NLT)
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud
5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
8. . . love will last forever!
That is the definition of God’s agape love. And so, when you speak the truth, you speak it within these guidelines. Speak in God’s AGAPE LOVE.
SLOW TO WRATH
One more time, James 1:19 (ESV)
19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
If you are “quick to hear” and if you are “slow to speak,” then you will have a good chance of being “slow to anger.” Anger is the death knell to communication, and the death knell of communication can mean the death knell of a marriage. Once you get angry, all real communication ends, and instead, you begin sliding down a slippery slope in your marriage.
When you begin to feel angry, do not sin! Stop talking, take a break, fall on your knees, and pray. Get an anger accountability partner and go call them. Do something besides feeding your anger and then unleashing it.
Ephesians 4:26–27 (NLT)
26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,
27 for anger gives a foothold to the devil.
Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. You must recognize your anger as a sin and deal with it immediately (in your own heart.) If the issue cannot be resolved immediately, ask for forgiveness for your anger and return to the problem later.
WHY? Why not just let your anger stew and boil? Because Ephesians 4:27 says, “for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” You will give the devil a place to work if you nurse your anger.
I know you feel like you are right. You feel like you deserve to be angry. Your spouse deserves to have anger stew for dinner tonight. It’s their fault, and they deserve it. Listen carefully - you are setting a place at the dinner table for the devil. The devil will take advantage of the place you have set for him, and he will go to work quick, fast, and in a hurry. Remember, his one and only goal is to steal, kill and destroy. And that is precisely what he’ll do in your marriage if you swing the door open and give him free rein in your anger.
In 2 Cor Ch 2, Paul is talking about the importance of forgiveness.
2 Corinthians 2:10–11 (ESV)
10 Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive . . .
11 so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs (schemes).
Fueling your unforgiveness and anger is a classic scheme of the devil, and if you set the devil that place in your marriage, he will gladly take it. Please don’t be ignorant of his devices. Protect your heart (and your marriage) through divine forgiveness and by being transformed by renewing your mind.
Let’s review the first two steps of God’s design for communication:
1) Cleanse your own heart of sin by crucifying your “self” and being transformed.
2) Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, and speak the truth in love.
Finally, let me suggest a “protection process” for you to use during your transformation in this area.
2-Step action required while being transformed in your communication:
Step 1 - Extend tongue between upper and lower teeth
Step 2 - Clamp teeth firmly together.
Hold this position until you’ve dealt with your own sin and can speak the truth in love.
RESPONSE TIME
How often can your communication be described as “Two trains of thought on a collision course?”
Seldom Frequently Always
Do you justify your anger, or do you acknowledge it as sin?
Justify it Acknowledge it as sin
Are you willing to repent of your sin of anger and be swift to hear and slow to speak?
Let’s Pray
“Heavenly Father, I am so sorry for my sin of anger toward my spouse; please forgive me. I repent of this sin. Please give me the power by your Holy Spirit not to sin when I feel angry. I thank you for my spouse. Please help me crucify my anger and be quick to hear and slow to speak. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
Communication - Part 1
Session 10 - Homework # 1
SCRIPTURE: Luke 6:43-45, Rom 12:1-2 Date __________
PRAY
COMMUNICATE
Talk about the illustration of “two trains of thought.” Discuss how often your communication looks like two trains heading toward each other on the same track.
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LISTEN and RESPOND
Read Luke 6:43-45 carefully and thoughtfully.
According to the words coming out of your mouth, are there things in your heart that God wants to heal and transform?
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LISTEN and RESPOND
Read Rom 12:1-2 again, thinking specifically about the above question.
Write down some ways that you can present this area of your life to God as a sacrifice. And write how you may be able to begin “renewing your mind” in this area.
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SCRIPTURE: Jas 1:19, Rom 12:1-2 Date ____________
PRAY
LISTEN and RESPOND
Read James 1:19.
Of the 3 commands here, which one are you the BEST at? And give an example.
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Which one are you the WORST at? And give an example.
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COMMUNICATE
Discuss your answers with your spouse. Repent and ask forgiveness as necessary.
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PRAY TOGETHER
Pray about this subject. Ask God’s forgiveness, and commit to God and your spouse to focus your spiritual growth on the area of communication you need most to be transformed in.
Communication - Part 1
Session 10 - Homework # 2
SCRIPTURE: James 1:19-27, Eph 4:26-27 Date___________
PRAY
LISTEN
Read James 1:19-27 at least twice.
RESPOND
Write about what role our tongue (communication) plays in us being a doer rather than just a hearer. And write about what role our tongue plays in hypocrisy or “worthless religion.”
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PRAY
Pray with your spouse that God would save you from the hypocrisy of worthless religion, and pray that one of the signs of your true “new life” would be how you communicate with your spouse.
LISTEN
Read Eph 4:26-27. Don’t think the words “Be angry” somehow permit anger.
The NLT translates these verses this way: 26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 for anger gives a foothold to the devil.
Similarly, the NIV translates the beginning of v.26: “In your anger do not sin.”
RESPOND
How often does anger control the way you communicate with your spouse?
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When controlled by anger, how does your communication give place to the devil? Write at least one real-life example.
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PRAY TOGETHER
Make a commitment in prayer to seek God’s transformation in the area of communication in your marriage.