Communication Part 2
Session 11
COMMUNICATION – PART 2
Pastor Dave Shepardson, wordbymail.com
Welcome back to God’s Design for Marriage - Session 11.
In our last message, we discussed communication as two trains of thought. Have you thought of or used that concept? And how about the shutdown concept of holding our own train back?
We said:
Communication is a matter of the heart – yours
We must be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
Today, we are going to continue communication in marriage by;
Looking at the power of the tongue.
Looking at how to transform our communication.
There is no part of your body that has power equal to your tongue.
Your tongue can bring life to your marriage and restore your marriage. And it can bring death to your marriage and destroy your marriage.
Session 11 M.I.P. (Most Important Point)
DEATH AND LIFE ARE IN THE POWER OF THE TONGUE - Proverbs 18:21
The Power of the Tongue
Each of us has been on the receiving end of the power of the tongue. Each of us has felt the pain, sometimes the long-term pain, of the power of someone’s tongue used against us. And hopefully, we’ve felt the life, strength, and restoration of the power of someone’s tongue used for good.
The way a person speaks to us (especially our spouse) either draws us to them or repels us from them. If you anticipate words of blessing from your spouse, you are drawn to hearing those good things, right? If you anticipate words of bitterness and anger from your spouse, then you do what you can to avoid hearing those things, right?
Again, let me make this perfectly clear: the power of your tongue can heal, strengthen, and restore your marriage, or the power of your tongue can slowly, methodically destroy your marriage.
James 3:2 (NLT)
2 Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.
If you can control your tongue, you can control your whole body (and your life). That's the way it is in horses and even in large ships.
James 3:3-4 (NLT)
3 We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth.
4 And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong.
The bridle on a horse and the rudder on a ship, both control big things for better or worse.
In 1989, the Exxon Valdez ran aground in Prince William Sound, Alaska, and the "tongue" of that ship caused unbelieveable damage to something God created to be so beautiful. The pilot of the ship was careless with its "tongue" (rudder), and 11 million gallons of destruction and devastation was spilled over 1,300 miles of some of the most beautiful coastline in the world.
Millions of gallons of pollution doing unbelieveable damage, all caused by the "uncontrolled tongue" of that ship. This might well describe some of our marriages.
The Captain of the Exxon Valdez tried to excuse himself from that devastation he caused by saying, “he was just careless with the ‘tongue’ of his ship."
The Bible says here in James Chapter 3, we have the exact same risk in our marriages if we do not "crucify" the deadly power of our tongue.
James 3:5–6 (NLT)
5 In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.
6 And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.
A small flame of fire that can destroy all life in its path. It IS a fire that can set your whole life on fire. . . and it, itself, is set on fire by hell. Those are some pretty serious warnings about our tongue. We should be terrified at the potential damage our tongues can do.
James 3:7–8 (NLT)
7 People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish,
8 but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison.
The tongue is restless and evil, full of deadly poison and you CANNOT tame it. Verse 8 says "no one can tame the tongue." You (in your sin nature) DON'T have the ability to tame the tongue.
So, we have one of two choices:
1). We CRUCIFY the sin nature of our tongue
OR
2). We ALLOW our tongue to potentially destroy ALL LIFE in our marriage.
So what are we to do with this dangerous enemy between our teeth? We said this in our last message, and it bears repeating. The problem with our tongue doesn’t start in our mouth, it starts in our heart. So first, we must make our heart right before God because if we are harboring poison in our heart, pollution will spill out into our marriage and bring devastation to what God made to be beautiful.
Our tongue has the power to bless and bring life and the power to curse and bring death.
James 3:9 (NLT)
9 Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God.
The biggest example:
Coming to church, you’re speaking angry and hurtful things to your spouse and family
In church, you’re all "Praise the Lord" and "God bless you brother"
Going home from church, you’re speaking hurtful things to your spouse and family again
And so, James 3:10 (NLT) says
10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!
This is not right! Something is not right here.
James 3:11-12 (NLT)
11 Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water?
12 Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.
These verses are saying clearly the condition of your heart determines what comes out of your mouth.
The real issue here is your heart, not your "performance" at church.
Bitter words = Bitter heart
Loving words = Loving heart
It is the condition of your heart that is causing either life or death to spring forth from the well that is between your teeth.
How big of a deal is this? Look back up in James 1, verse 26.
James 1:26 (NLT)
26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.
An "uncontrolled tongue" equals "useless religion." This is a matter of your heart.
And again, how do you know if your heart is right? By the words that are coming out of your mouth.
Proverbs 25:11 - A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold In settings of silver.
Proverbs 16:24 - Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.
Proverbs 12:18 - . . . the tongue of the wise promotes health.
If the words coming out of your mouth are bringing life and health, it is a sign that your heart is right with God and with your spouse. If the words coming out of your mouth are bringing death and destruction, it is a sign that your heart is not right with God or with your spouse.
Alright - that is some seriously heavy truth for you to get real with God, yourself, and your spouse about.
For now, let's move on to Transformed Communication
It is vital we accept the fact our tongue reveals sin in our heart. The good news is: that is how we know we need to be transformed.
So, let’s look at what transformed communication looks like.
Ephesians 4:17–18 (NLT)
17 With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live (walk) no longer as the Gentiles (unbelievers) do, for they are hopelessly confused.
18 Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him.
We CANNOT LIVE like an unbeliever, having our mind DARKENED and being FAR from God. Most Christians who are polluting their marriages with their tongues are blind to the sinful condition of their heart, just like an unbeliever. So, first, we've got to recognize that we are acting like an unbeliever, and then, Ephesians Chapter 4 turns to putting on the New Life in Christ.
Ephesians 4:20–22 (NLT)
20 But that isn’t what you learned about Christ. 21 Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, 22 throw off (crucify) your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception.
To throw off (or put off) is to crucify your old sin nature.
HOW do we do that? By presenting your old SELF to be consumed by God AS a living sacrifice. (Romans 12:1)
So, verse 22 says, “Throw off (crucify) your old sinful nature and your former way of life. . .” and then Ephesians 4, verse 23 says:
Ephesians 4:23 (NLT)
23 Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes.
Get a renovation of your mind - be transformed. (Romans 12:2)
1). Throw Off (Put Off) your old sinful nature
2). Then let the Holy Spirit Renew your thoughts and attitudes
And then Ephesians 4 continues:
Ephesians 4:24 (NLT)
24 Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.
THAT is the "Put-Off" / "Put-On" theology of HOW to be transformed.
1). Throw off (crucify) your old sinful Nature
2). Let the Holy Spirit Renew your mind
3). Put on your New Nature created to be like God
And THEN you can say with Paul (in Galatians 2:20), “It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.”
Guys, there are very practical and very powerful steps to throwing OFF your old life, letting the Holy Spirit RENEW your mind, and putting on the NEW life.
And the first word we need to hear about these very practical and very powerful steps that lead to transformation in our communications is the KEY Word: DAILY!!
Your transformation is about you D A I L Y IMMERSING yourself in the Spirit. (Walking [living] in the Spirit) daily so that you don’t fulfill the lusts of the flesh.
Galatians 5:16 (NLT)
16 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.
The simple answer is we have got to learn how to allow the Holy Spirit guide our lives (and our tongues). But in order to do that we have to accept that the word learn -dc implies learning. This is a process of transformation that we must LEARN.
We have to learn how to walk in the Spirit.
We have to learn how to let the Holy Spirit guide our lives.
As we learn to throw off the old life (repent of, turn from) and as we learn to let the Holy Spirit guide us, we will begin to put on the new life in Christ.
Let me give you some book recommendations in case you want to learn more about this PUT OFF / PUT ON Transformation.
These are all by Wayne Mack.
“A Christian Growth and Discipleship Manual”
“A Homework Manual for Biblical Living”
“God’s Solutions to Life’s Problems”
These are all practical daily guides to the Put-Off / Put-On transformation theology. What I really recommend is a Discipleship Group where just three couples make a commitment to walk through this transformation process with each other, holding each other accountable until REAL change is seen in their marriages.
Okay, now let’s look at Ephesians 4; right after Paul finishes writing about the transformation process, in the very next verse he goes into the evidence of this new life. And the first thing he addresses is our communication.
Ephesians 4:25–27 (NLT)
25 So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. 26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 for anger gives a foothold to the devil.
Then, in verse 28, Paul deals with stealing and honesty, and then he goes right back into issues of the tongue.
Ephesians 4:29 (NLT)
29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
We must esteem our spouse higher than ourselves and we must be careful with our words to our spouse. We've got to PUT OFF foul and abusive language and we've got to PUT ON good and helpful language - and we can be transformed by God to do that.
So, how can we do that? What if they don’t deserve to be built up? How can we still speak only what is good and helpful? The answer is BY IMPARTING GRACE to them.
Let’s look at Eph 4, verse 29 in the ESV.
Ephesians 4:29 (ESV)
29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace (NLT - encouragement) to those who hear.
Grace is giving your spouse what they do not deserve. The definition of grace is “unmerited favor,” and it is precisely what God has given you. So, in the same way you have received "undeserved favor" from God, you can (and must) impart “unmerited favor” to your spouse. Jesus Christ died to give you God’s grace (undeserved favor), and you must die to your “self” to give your spouse God’s grace.
This is a foreign concept to our "self" nature, and it is exactly what God calls us to do.
When you have a right to be angry – instead, give God’s forgiveness.
When you have a right to be offended – instead, give God’s mercy.
When you have a right to be unloving – instead, give God’s love.
That is imparting God’s grace. It’s giving your spouse what they do not deserve. Our words should always impart grace to our spouse. And what are the consequences if we do not speak this way? Look at the next verse.
Ephesians 4:30 (NLT)
30 And do not bring sorrow to (grieve) God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live . . .
Let's just pause and review the verses we've been going through, Ephesians 4:21-32, and look carefully at how much of what God says here has to do with our communication.
We need to be very clear on this: If corrupt words are coming out of our mouths, we are grieving the Holy Spirit. The word “grieve” means “to make sorrowful or to offend.” When we are offending the Holy Spirit, we are separated from Him, and there are consequences of that in our spiritual life. So, if you feel separated from God, you may want to check the words coming out of your mouth, because that might explain why you feel separated from God.
Continuing in verse 31.
Ephesians 4:31 (NLT)
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.
These are six sins that will destroy your marriage, and they are all sins of communication.
Bitterness - Rage - Anger - Harsh words - Slander - Evil behavior
All these sins have to do with how we are speaking to our spouse. These are the sins of your heart that come out of your mouth and God can forgive you and heal you of them IF you will present the totality of your "self" to be consumed by him (as a sacrifice), and then be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
And how will you know when that is happening?You'll be living more and more like the final verse in this section of Ephesians 4. THIS is what being TRANSFORMED looks like.
Ephesians 4:32 (NLT)
32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
AS WE:
1). Throw Off (crucify) our old sinful nature
2). Let the Holy Spirit Renew our Mind
3). Put on our New Nature created to be like God
WE CAN BE transformed.
The only thing that stands in our way is our refusal to crucify our self-will.
Let's turn over to Psalm 34.
Psalm 34:12–14 (NLT)
12 Does anyone want to live a life that is long and prosperous?
13 Then keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies!
14 Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it.
Response Time:
Begin by reviewing these verses.
Ephesians 4:26, 29, 31, 32 (NLT)
26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,
29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.
32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
After reviewing these verses, answer the following questions:
1). From 0% to 100%, what percentage of the time do you feel that YOU ARE speaking to your spouse according to God's command in these verses. ______________
And then, still looking at these verses, here is question two.
2). From 0% to 100% what percentage of the time do you feel YOUR SPOUSE IS speaking to you according to God's command in these verses? ______________
Take your time. Then, please compare your answers with your spouse before answering question 3.
3). Do you need to be transformed in your communication with your spouse? ______________
We can bring damage to our spouse like no one else with our negative and hurtful words.
We can build up and strengthen our souse like no one else with words that are edifying and encouraging.
Let’s Pray: Dear Lord Jesus, I know that my tongue is a fire. I surrender it to you to be crucified. Please forgive me of sins of my tongue. Please heal me, please transform me, please give me your new nature. Please transform me more and more into your image by the power of your Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
EXTRAS:
Be Transformed in your communication:
Begin by crucifying your ‘self’ and dealing with sin in your own heart,
Then renew your mind by the power of the Holy Spirit,
Then put on the new nature of Christ in your communication.
COMMUNICATION VERSES
2 Timothy 2:23
“. . . avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife.”
Proverbs 18:6-7
6 "A fool’s lips enter into contention, And his mouth calls for blows.
7 A fool’s mouth is his destruction, And his lips are the snare of his soul.”
Proverbs 17:14
14 “The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts.”
Proverbs 15:1
1 “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” [repeat]
Psalm 34:12-14
“12 Who is the man who desires life, and loves many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil, And your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.”
Dave’s Favorites
Communication is a matter of YOUR heart – make it right before God. Bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness are sins – deal with them as such. When you’re wrong, admit it – confess, repent, and ask forgiveness.
Institute daily couch time – 15 minutes a day of real communicating. Pray for one another sometime during every difficult conversation. The closer it gets to an argument, the more critical immediate prayer is.
HOMEWORK
Communication - Part 2
Session 11 - Homework # 1
SCRIPTURE: James 3:2-12 Date _______________
PRAY
LISTEN
Read James 3:2-12 slowly and carefully. Mark words and phrases that apply to you personally and to the area of communication in your marriage.
COMMUNICATE
Discuss with your spouse the parts of this text that apply both to you personally and to your marriage. Take your time. Make most of your homework time this discussion.
What events or hurts does this text bring up in your marriage?
What do you need to ask your spouse for forgiveness for?
Is there something that you need to “speak the truth in love” to your spouse?
RESPOND
Have you really had an in-depth conversation with your spouse regarding James 3:2-12, and regarding the above questions? ___________________________
What commitments will you make to transform your communication with your spouse? Share these commitments with your spouse. ________________________________________________________________
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LISTEN and RESPOND
Read the following verses and respond to them (write something).
Proverbs 15:1
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Colossians 4:6
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Philippians 4:8
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PRAY TOGETHER
Pray together about your communication. Repent as needed and make a covenant with God about your tongue.
Communication - Part 2
Session 11 - Homework # 2
SCRIPTURE: Ephesians 4:17-32 Date ________________
PRAY
LISTEN
Read Ephesians 4:17-32 slowly and carefully. Mark words and phrases that apply to you personally and to the area of communication in your marriage.
COMMUNICATE
As you did in part one this week; Discuss with your spouse the parts of this text that apply both to you personally and to your marriage. Take your time. Make most of your homework time this discussion.
RESPOND
Have you really had an in-depth conversation with your spouse regarding Ephesians 4:17-32? _________________
Putting off the old nature and putting on the new nature requires commitment and a plan (and the full power of the Holy Spirit). What have you STARTED doing to transform your communication with your spouse?
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If you have NOT started doing anything to transform your communication with your spouse, what WILL you start doing? If you don’t know what to do, WHO will you ask to disciple you in this process?
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PRAY TOGETHER
Make a commitment in prayer to be transformed by the renewing of your mind in this area of your marriage. And, if needed, make a commitment to seek out discipleship to bring this transformation to pass.
RECOMMENDED READING:
"Strengthening Your Marriage" - Wayne Mack
"A Marriage Without Regrets" - Kay Arthur
"The Five Love Languages" - Gary Smalley
Pastor Dave Shepardson, wordbymail.com
Welcome back to God’s Design for Marriage - Session 11.
In our last message, we discussed communication as two trains of thought. Have you thought of or used that concept? And how about the shutdown concept of holding our own train back?
We said:
Communication is a matter of the heart – yours
We must be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
Today, we are going to continue communication in marriage by;
Looking at the power of the tongue.
Looking at how to transform our communication.
There is no part of your body that has power equal to your tongue.
Your tongue can bring life to your marriage and restore your marriage. And it can bring death to your marriage and destroy your marriage.
Session 11 M.I.P. (Most Important Point)
DEATH AND LIFE ARE IN THE POWER OF THE TONGUE - Proverbs 18:21
The Power of the Tongue
Each of us has been on the receiving end of the power of the tongue. Each of us has felt the pain, sometimes the long-term pain, of the power of someone’s tongue used against us. And hopefully, we’ve felt the life, strength, and restoration of the power of someone’s tongue used for good.
The way a person speaks to us (especially our spouse) either draws us to them or repels us from them. If you anticipate words of blessing from your spouse, you are drawn to hearing those good things, right? If you anticipate words of bitterness and anger from your spouse, then you do what you can to avoid hearing those things, right?
Again, let me make this perfectly clear: the power of your tongue can heal, strengthen, and restore your marriage, or the power of your tongue can slowly, methodically destroy your marriage.
James 3:2 (NLT)
2 Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.
If you can control your tongue, you can control your whole body (and your life). That's the way it is in horses and even in large ships.
James 3:3-4 (NLT)
3 We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth.
4 And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong.
The bridle on a horse and the rudder on a ship, both control big things for better or worse.
In 1989, the Exxon Valdez ran aground in Prince William Sound, Alaska, and the "tongue" of that ship caused unbelieveable damage to something God created to be so beautiful. The pilot of the ship was careless with its "tongue" (rudder), and 11 million gallons of destruction and devastation was spilled over 1,300 miles of some of the most beautiful coastline in the world.
Millions of gallons of pollution doing unbelieveable damage, all caused by the "uncontrolled tongue" of that ship. This might well describe some of our marriages.
The Captain of the Exxon Valdez tried to excuse himself from that devastation he caused by saying, “he was just careless with the ‘tongue’ of his ship."
The Bible says here in James Chapter 3, we have the exact same risk in our marriages if we do not "crucify" the deadly power of our tongue.
James 3:5–6 (NLT)
5 In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.
6 And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.
A small flame of fire that can destroy all life in its path. It IS a fire that can set your whole life on fire. . . and it, itself, is set on fire by hell. Those are some pretty serious warnings about our tongue. We should be terrified at the potential damage our tongues can do.
James 3:7–8 (NLT)
7 People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish,
8 but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison.
The tongue is restless and evil, full of deadly poison and you CANNOT tame it. Verse 8 says "no one can tame the tongue." You (in your sin nature) DON'T have the ability to tame the tongue.
So, we have one of two choices:
1). We CRUCIFY the sin nature of our tongue
OR
2). We ALLOW our tongue to potentially destroy ALL LIFE in our marriage.
So what are we to do with this dangerous enemy between our teeth? We said this in our last message, and it bears repeating. The problem with our tongue doesn’t start in our mouth, it starts in our heart. So first, we must make our heart right before God because if we are harboring poison in our heart, pollution will spill out into our marriage and bring devastation to what God made to be beautiful.
Our tongue has the power to bless and bring life and the power to curse and bring death.
James 3:9 (NLT)
9 Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God.
The biggest example:
Coming to church, you’re speaking angry and hurtful things to your spouse and family
In church, you’re all "Praise the Lord" and "God bless you brother"
Going home from church, you’re speaking hurtful things to your spouse and family again
And so, James 3:10 (NLT) says
10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!
This is not right! Something is not right here.
James 3:11-12 (NLT)
11 Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water?
12 Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.
These verses are saying clearly the condition of your heart determines what comes out of your mouth.
The real issue here is your heart, not your "performance" at church.
Bitter words = Bitter heart
Loving words = Loving heart
It is the condition of your heart that is causing either life or death to spring forth from the well that is between your teeth.
How big of a deal is this? Look back up in James 1, verse 26.
James 1:26 (NLT)
26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.
An "uncontrolled tongue" equals "useless religion." This is a matter of your heart.
And again, how do you know if your heart is right? By the words that are coming out of your mouth.
Proverbs 25:11 - A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold In settings of silver.
Proverbs 16:24 - Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.
Proverbs 12:18 - . . . the tongue of the wise promotes health.
If the words coming out of your mouth are bringing life and health, it is a sign that your heart is right with God and with your spouse. If the words coming out of your mouth are bringing death and destruction, it is a sign that your heart is not right with God or with your spouse.
Alright - that is some seriously heavy truth for you to get real with God, yourself, and your spouse about.
For now, let's move on to Transformed Communication
It is vital we accept the fact our tongue reveals sin in our heart. The good news is: that is how we know we need to be transformed.
So, let’s look at what transformed communication looks like.
Ephesians 4:17–18 (NLT)
17 With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live (walk) no longer as the Gentiles (unbelievers) do, for they are hopelessly confused.
18 Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him.
We CANNOT LIVE like an unbeliever, having our mind DARKENED and being FAR from God. Most Christians who are polluting their marriages with their tongues are blind to the sinful condition of their heart, just like an unbeliever. So, first, we've got to recognize that we are acting like an unbeliever, and then, Ephesians Chapter 4 turns to putting on the New Life in Christ.
Ephesians 4:20–22 (NLT)
20 But that isn’t what you learned about Christ. 21 Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, 22 throw off (crucify) your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception.
To throw off (or put off) is to crucify your old sin nature.
HOW do we do that? By presenting your old SELF to be consumed by God AS a living sacrifice. (Romans 12:1)
So, verse 22 says, “Throw off (crucify) your old sinful nature and your former way of life. . .” and then Ephesians 4, verse 23 says:
Ephesians 4:23 (NLT)
23 Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes.
Get a renovation of your mind - be transformed. (Romans 12:2)
1). Throw Off (Put Off) your old sinful nature
2). Then let the Holy Spirit Renew your thoughts and attitudes
And then Ephesians 4 continues:
Ephesians 4:24 (NLT)
24 Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.
THAT is the "Put-Off" / "Put-On" theology of HOW to be transformed.
1). Throw off (crucify) your old sinful Nature
2). Let the Holy Spirit Renew your mind
3). Put on your New Nature created to be like God
And THEN you can say with Paul (in Galatians 2:20), “It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.”
Guys, there are very practical and very powerful steps to throwing OFF your old life, letting the Holy Spirit RENEW your mind, and putting on the NEW life.
And the first word we need to hear about these very practical and very powerful steps that lead to transformation in our communications is the KEY Word: DAILY!!
Your transformation is about you D A I L Y IMMERSING yourself in the Spirit. (Walking [living] in the Spirit) daily so that you don’t fulfill the lusts of the flesh.
Galatians 5:16 (NLT)
16 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.
The simple answer is we have got to learn how to allow the Holy Spirit guide our lives (and our tongues). But in order to do that we have to accept that the word learn -dc implies learning. This is a process of transformation that we must LEARN.
We have to learn how to walk in the Spirit.
We have to learn how to let the Holy Spirit guide our lives.
As we learn to throw off the old life (repent of, turn from) and as we learn to let the Holy Spirit guide us, we will begin to put on the new life in Christ.
Let me give you some book recommendations in case you want to learn more about this PUT OFF / PUT ON Transformation.
These are all by Wayne Mack.
“A Christian Growth and Discipleship Manual”
“A Homework Manual for Biblical Living”
“God’s Solutions to Life’s Problems”
These are all practical daily guides to the Put-Off / Put-On transformation theology. What I really recommend is a Discipleship Group where just three couples make a commitment to walk through this transformation process with each other, holding each other accountable until REAL change is seen in their marriages.
Okay, now let’s look at Ephesians 4; right after Paul finishes writing about the transformation process, in the very next verse he goes into the evidence of this new life. And the first thing he addresses is our communication.
Ephesians 4:25–27 (NLT)
25 So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. 26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 for anger gives a foothold to the devil.
Then, in verse 28, Paul deals with stealing and honesty, and then he goes right back into issues of the tongue.
Ephesians 4:29 (NLT)
29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
We must esteem our spouse higher than ourselves and we must be careful with our words to our spouse. We've got to PUT OFF foul and abusive language and we've got to PUT ON good and helpful language - and we can be transformed by God to do that.
So, how can we do that? What if they don’t deserve to be built up? How can we still speak only what is good and helpful? The answer is BY IMPARTING GRACE to them.
Let’s look at Eph 4, verse 29 in the ESV.
Ephesians 4:29 (ESV)
29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace (NLT - encouragement) to those who hear.
Grace is giving your spouse what they do not deserve. The definition of grace is “unmerited favor,” and it is precisely what God has given you. So, in the same way you have received "undeserved favor" from God, you can (and must) impart “unmerited favor” to your spouse. Jesus Christ died to give you God’s grace (undeserved favor), and you must die to your “self” to give your spouse God’s grace.
This is a foreign concept to our "self" nature, and it is exactly what God calls us to do.
When you have a right to be angry – instead, give God’s forgiveness.
When you have a right to be offended – instead, give God’s mercy.
When you have a right to be unloving – instead, give God’s love.
That is imparting God’s grace. It’s giving your spouse what they do not deserve. Our words should always impart grace to our spouse. And what are the consequences if we do not speak this way? Look at the next verse.
Ephesians 4:30 (NLT)
30 And do not bring sorrow to (grieve) God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live . . .
Let's just pause and review the verses we've been going through, Ephesians 4:21-32, and look carefully at how much of what God says here has to do with our communication.
We need to be very clear on this: If corrupt words are coming out of our mouths, we are grieving the Holy Spirit. The word “grieve” means “to make sorrowful or to offend.” When we are offending the Holy Spirit, we are separated from Him, and there are consequences of that in our spiritual life. So, if you feel separated from God, you may want to check the words coming out of your mouth, because that might explain why you feel separated from God.
Continuing in verse 31.
Ephesians 4:31 (NLT)
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.
These are six sins that will destroy your marriage, and they are all sins of communication.
Bitterness - Rage - Anger - Harsh words - Slander - Evil behavior
All these sins have to do with how we are speaking to our spouse. These are the sins of your heart that come out of your mouth and God can forgive you and heal you of them IF you will present the totality of your "self" to be consumed by him (as a sacrifice), and then be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
And how will you know when that is happening?You'll be living more and more like the final verse in this section of Ephesians 4. THIS is what being TRANSFORMED looks like.
Ephesians 4:32 (NLT)
32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
- When you are kind to your spouse when they don’t deserve it
- When you are tenderhearted, when they are hard-hearted
- When you forgive them just as God in Christ has forgiven you
AS WE:
1). Throw Off (crucify) our old sinful nature
2). Let the Holy Spirit Renew our Mind
3). Put on our New Nature created to be like God
WE CAN BE transformed.
The only thing that stands in our way is our refusal to crucify our self-will.
Let's turn over to Psalm 34.
Psalm 34:12–14 (NLT)
12 Does anyone want to live a life that is long and prosperous?
13 Then keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies!
14 Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it.
Response Time:
Begin by reviewing these verses.
Ephesians 4:26, 29, 31, 32 (NLT)
26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,
29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.
32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
After reviewing these verses, answer the following questions:
1). From 0% to 100%, what percentage of the time do you feel that YOU ARE speaking to your spouse according to God's command in these verses. ______________
And then, still looking at these verses, here is question two.
2). From 0% to 100% what percentage of the time do you feel YOUR SPOUSE IS speaking to you according to God's command in these verses? ______________
Take your time. Then, please compare your answers with your spouse before answering question 3.
3). Do you need to be transformed in your communication with your spouse? ______________
We can bring damage to our spouse like no one else with our negative and hurtful words.
We can build up and strengthen our souse like no one else with words that are edifying and encouraging.
Let’s Pray: Dear Lord Jesus, I know that my tongue is a fire. I surrender it to you to be crucified. Please forgive me of sins of my tongue. Please heal me, please transform me, please give me your new nature. Please transform me more and more into your image by the power of your Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
EXTRAS:
Be Transformed in your communication:
Begin by crucifying your ‘self’ and dealing with sin in your own heart,
Then renew your mind by the power of the Holy Spirit,
Then put on the new nature of Christ in your communication.
COMMUNICATION VERSES
2 Timothy 2:23
“. . . avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife.”
Proverbs 18:6-7
6 "A fool’s lips enter into contention, And his mouth calls for blows.
7 A fool’s mouth is his destruction, And his lips are the snare of his soul.”
Proverbs 17:14
14 “The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts.”
Proverbs 15:1
1 “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” [repeat]
Psalm 34:12-14
“12 Who is the man who desires life, and loves many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil, And your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.”
Dave’s Favorites
Communication is a matter of YOUR heart – make it right before God. Bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness are sins – deal with them as such. When you’re wrong, admit it – confess, repent, and ask forgiveness.
Institute daily couch time – 15 minutes a day of real communicating. Pray for one another sometime during every difficult conversation. The closer it gets to an argument, the more critical immediate prayer is.
HOMEWORK
Communication - Part 2
Session 11 - Homework # 1
SCRIPTURE: James 3:2-12 Date _______________
PRAY
LISTEN
Read James 3:2-12 slowly and carefully. Mark words and phrases that apply to you personally and to the area of communication in your marriage.
COMMUNICATE
Discuss with your spouse the parts of this text that apply both to you personally and to your marriage. Take your time. Make most of your homework time this discussion.
What events or hurts does this text bring up in your marriage?
What do you need to ask your spouse for forgiveness for?
Is there something that you need to “speak the truth in love” to your spouse?
RESPOND
Have you really had an in-depth conversation with your spouse regarding James 3:2-12, and regarding the above questions? ___________________________
What commitments will you make to transform your communication with your spouse? Share these commitments with your spouse. ________________________________________________________________
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LISTEN and RESPOND
Proverbs 15:1
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Colossians 4:6
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Philippians 4:8
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PRAY TOGETHER
Pray together about your communication. Repent as needed and make a covenant with God about your tongue.
Communication - Part 2
Session 11 - Homework # 2
SCRIPTURE: Ephesians 4:17-32 Date ________________
PRAY
LISTEN
Read Ephesians 4:17-32 slowly and carefully. Mark words and phrases that apply to you personally and to the area of communication in your marriage.
COMMUNICATE
As you did in part one this week; Discuss with your spouse the parts of this text that apply both to you personally and to your marriage. Take your time. Make most of your homework time this discussion.
RESPOND
Have you really had an in-depth conversation with your spouse regarding Ephesians 4:17-32? _________________
Putting off the old nature and putting on the new nature requires commitment and a plan (and the full power of the Holy Spirit). What have you STARTED doing to transform your communication with your spouse?
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If you have NOT started doing anything to transform your communication with your spouse, what WILL you start doing? If you don’t know what to do, WHO will you ask to disciple you in this process?
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PRAY TOGETHER
Make a commitment in prayer to be transformed by the renewing of your mind in this area of your marriage. And, if needed, make a commitment to seek out discipleship to bring this transformation to pass.
RECOMMENDED READING:
"Strengthening Your Marriage" - Wayne Mack
"A Marriage Without Regrets" - Kay Arthur
"The Five Love Languages" - Gary Smalley