Divine Forgiveness in Marriage
Session 5
Chapter 5
Divine Forgiveness in Marriage
Pastor Dave Shepardson, wordbymail.com
Welcome back to God’s Design for Marriage - Session 5.
In the last two sessions, we looked at “leaving” to become one flesh and “cleaving” to become one flesh. We ended session four with “7 Principles for Cleaving”. We also said that number seven was so significant that it required its own message. That seventh and final principle was “Living in Divine Forgiveness.” This subject can heal more marriages than possibly any other subject we will discuss during this series.
Unforgiveness is a wall that will always separate you and your spouse, a wall often built one brick (or hurt) at a time until those bricks all add up to a massive crisis. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness, resentment, anger, and even revenge, and these sins will destroy your marriage. And so, living in divine forgiveness becomes an absolute, constant, mandatory requirement for every God-designed marriage. I know some of you have some serious things that require a profound level of divine forgiveness. Still, I want you to know that GOD IS ABLE to provide the profound level of deep forgiveness you need!
We must recognize upfront that forgiveness and reconciliation do not always go together. Reconciliation requires repentance and transformation on the part of both parties. But, as a Christian, God calls you to divine forgiveness regardless of whether complete reconciliation can occur. Divine forgiveness is a requirement from God because the sin of unforgiveness not only separates you from your spouse but also separates you from God.
Let’s look at Ephesians 4:30-32 again (you’ve already seen it in your homework).
Ephesians 4:30–32 (NLT)
30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.
32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
After a strong warning in verse 30, verses 31-32 perfectly contrast unforgiveness (verse 31) and divine forgiveness (verse 32). Reread those two verses to see the contrast between unforgiveness and divine forgiveness.
In verse 32, we see the key to understanding divine forgiveness. The key is “just as” or “even as.” In Greek, “even as” means “in the same proportion or to the same degree.” We could read the end of verse 32 as “forgiving one another in the same proportion as God in Christ had forgiven you.”
And so, in Ephesians 4:32, we find today’s M.I.P.
Session 4 – Most Important Point
We must forgive one another in the same proportion as God in Christ has forgiven us.
Matthew Chapter 18 has an excellent picture of this “just as” command. “just as” meaning, in the “same proportion as.”
A picture of the ‘just as’ truth of divine forgiveness
Matthew 18:21–22 (NLT)
21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”
22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!
Some translations say “seventy-seven times,” but it doesn’t matter, seventy-seven or seventy times seven. Jesus is not saying to keep good track. He is commanding unlimited, unconditional forgiveness.
To do that, we must make the comparison. And as we continue in Matthew 18, Jesus does that for us. Beginning in Matthew 18:23 is a picture of you, God, and your spouse, and the purpose is for you to make a comparison.
Make the comparison
Matthew 18:23–25 (NLT)
23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him.
24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. (an un-repayable debt)
25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.
This servant owed a debt that could never be re-paid. So, the just (or right) thing to do was for the king to sell the man and his family into slavery to recover the debt owed by the man.
Matthew 18:26–27 (NLT)
26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’
27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.
This is a picture of you standing before God, owing a debt that can’t be paid, and receiving a full release and complete forgiveness from God. Now, the picture changes to that of you and your spouse.
Matthew 18:28 (NLT)
28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.
That is a drastically different response than the one this servant got from his master, who forgave him of his unrepayable debt. Consider carefully the vast difference between how the servant with the unrepayable debt was forgiven (that’s you being forgiven by God) versus the way the servant treated his fellow servant who owed him, by comparison, a relatively small debt (that’s you and your spouse.)
WE MUST MAKE THE COMPARISON between the phenomenal, unrepayable debt we owe God and the debt we feel our spouse owes us.
So, after the unforgiving servant had ‘laid hands’ on the one who owed him a small debt (by comparison), the parable continues. We’ll start again in Matthew 18:28.
28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.
29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded.
30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.
This sounds like some of our marriage relationships, perpetually putting each other in debtor’s prison. Now imagine the angels watching what Jesus Christ went through to forgive you of an unrepayable debt to God. Then, the angels watching you throw your spouse into debtor’s prison for their relatively small (by comparison) offense.
Matthew 18:31 (NLT)
31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened.
It’s like the angels are coming to God and saying, “We don’t understand. After all you have forgiven them of, look at how they are treating one another.” And so, the Master has a response for the unforgiving servant.
Matthew 18:32–34 (NLT)
32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me.
33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’
34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.
“Sent the man to prison to be tortured” sounds pretty drastic. Certainly, God wouldn’t do that to us just because we refuse to forgive our spouse of some offense, would he? Well . . . let’s read the next verse very carefully.
Matthew 18:35 (NLT)
35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”
Have you ever felt tortured by unforgiveness? Have bitterness, resentment, and anger been torturing you from the inside? Why would God allow us to feel tortured by our unforgiveness? Think of why we have pain in our physical bodies. That pain actually plays a crucial role in your healing because if you didn’t have physical pain when there was something wrong in your body, you would never go to the doctor, and you would die from never receiving care. God’s discipline plays a very similar role in our lives.
Hebrews 12:5–6 (NLT)
5 And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you.
6 For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”
Hebrews 12:11 (NLT)
11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.
God loves you enough to allow that bitterness, resentment, and anger to torture you until it breaks you so you can be healed. If you allow yourself to be trained by his chastisement, it will yield a peaceful harvest of right living (including divine forgiveness).
If you are living with bitterness, resentment, and anger toward your spouse, you are being tortured. God wants to free you and heal you, and he has given you the power (in the Holy Spirit) to forgive “just as” (in the same proportion) as God has forgiven you. He would not give you the command without providing you the power because you and I don’t have this level of forgiveness in our own nature. It can only come from the divine nature of God. It must be supernaturally imparted to you by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Let’s turn over to the Lord’s Prayer. Here, right in the middle of the Lord’s Prayer, we see a conditional statement:
Matthew 6:12 (NLT)
12 and forgive us our sins, as (in the same way as) we have forgiven those who sin against us.
Do you really want God to forgive you in the same way and in the same proportion as you forgive your spouse? Is that how you want God to deal with you? Following the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus chooses just one subject of the prayer to add commentary to.
Matthew 6:14–15 (NLT)
14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Some of us have never really read those verses before. Jesus isn’t talking about salvation here. He has made it clear this is a prayer for disciples who are already saved. The issue here is being in a right relationship with God. Your relationship with God will feel tortured, and your relationship with your spouse will feel tortured until you learn to live in divine forgiveness in your marriage.
There are two other critical passages on why we must forgive, which are included in your homework; Mark 11:25 and Luke 6:37-38. This is a crucial subject, so please study it in your homework.
A marriage cannot always be reconciled by one spouse’s divine forgiveness alone because it takes two willing and committed parties for reconciliation and restoration to occur in a marriage. But – please hear me – you must still forgive your spouse, even if they are unwilling to repair your marriage. Here’s why. When unforgiveness turns to bitterness, anger, and wrath, it’s like you are drinking poison and hoping someone else dies (you may need to read that again). Please do not drink the poison of unforgiveness.
This is the halfway point of this message. This may be a good place to pause and review what you have read so far.
PART 2 - How Can We Live in Divine Forgiveness?
The question is, how? How can we experience God’s divine forgiveness in our marriages? How can we forgive in the same proportion as God has forgiven us? How can we end the torture that unforgiveness brings into our lives? How can we make our relationship with our spouse and God right through divine forgiveness?
First, we need to know that divine forgiveness does not approve of or excuse sin in your spouse. It does not deny the offense, and it does not pretend that you are not hurt. Divine forgiveness is you being fully aware of the offense and making a choice (against your feelings) to:
1) RELEASE them from the debt.
2) REFUSE to punish them.
3) KEEP NO RECORD of the wrong.
That is how God in Christ has forgiven you, and that is how you are called to forgive your spouse. Divine forgiveness acknowledges the wrong done and then chooses to completely forgive it. The offense must be willfully, purposefully forgiven, and all resentment crucified. You may think you can’t forgive at that level. And, without God, it is impossible.
But, Romans 5:5 says (ESV)
5 . . . God’s love (agape love) has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
God’s agape love is unconditional, self-sacrificing love that we don’t have in our nature. It is the power of God that is alive in us. We can’t apply it in our own strength. We can only choose by faith to yield to the agape love God has given us by the Holy Spirit.
All the steps to divine forgiveness are supernatural, and they all start with us crucifying our self-will and then seeking God’s transforming power. Living in divine forgiveness transforms our lives from our old sinful nature to God’s divine nature. And you can start this transformation process today. Today, you can begin to supernaturally live in divine forgiveness. Here are four steps that God can use to lead you there.
4 Steps to Living in Divine Forgiveness
Step # 1 - RECOGNIZE Unforgiveness in Your Heart
Unforgiveness will continue damaging your marriage for as long as you hold on to it. So, begin this process by asking God to reveal any unforgiveness you are carrying. We must continuously pray with King David in;
Psalm 139:23–24 (NLT)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
God has given us signs to show us when we are harboring unforgiveness.
The first sign of unforgiveness is separation. Unforgiveness is a sin that separates us from God and from our spouse. If we feel separated from our spouse and/or God, we must search our hearts for this first sign of unforgiveness.
The second sign of unforgiveness is our tongue.
Matthew 12:34
34 . . . For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
Listen to the words coming out of your mouth because your tongue always reveals any unforgiveness in your heart. Anger, bitterness, resentment, and jealousy are all signs of unforgiveness, and these sins are all revealed by what comes out of your mouth toward your spouse.
There are other signs of unforgiveness, and we must be on constant guard to recognize the signs because unforgiveness is an open door for Satan to bring destruction into our lives. In 2 Corinthians Chapter 2, Paul is speaking about the necessity of forgiveness in the church, and in verse 11, he says, “...lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices.” If you allow him to, Satan will take advantage of any unforgiveness in your heart to bring damage and destruction into your life.
Step # 2 – REPENT of Your Sin With Godly Sorrow
You must recognize that unforgiveness is a sin that must be repented of.
2 Corinthians 7:10 (NKJV)
10 For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted . . .
Repentance means “A change of mind, purpose, and action.” The most outstanding display of repentance in the Bible is probably in Psalm 51, where King David truly displays godly sorrow, leading to true repentance. Study this chapter, and ask the Holy Spirit to help you see the true repentance that comes from godly sorrow. If you desire to move toward divine forgiveness, Psalm 51 must be the prayer of your heart.
Psalm 51:10–12 (ESV)
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Until you see unforgiveness as a sin, you will continue to justify it and live in the torture. Consider the definitions of godly sorrow and repentance,
Godly sorrow = sorrow or grieving that is due (owed to) God
Repentance = A change of mind, purpose, and action
Have you experienced this level of godly sorrow over your sin of unforgiveness? Until you do, you will continue to justify and rationalize your pride and self-will, and Satan will continue to bring destruction into your marriage and your life. When we experience sorrow and grieving that we rightfully owe to God, it produces a change of mind, purpose, and action. God will begin to heal us when we come with genuine godly sorrow and a broken and contrite heart.
Step # 3 – RECEIVE God’s Command to Forgive by Faith
There is nothing here about feelings. This is strictly about faith that leads to obedience. Faith is the opposite of feeling. God is waiting for you to say:
“Lord, I believe your Word that says my unforgiveness is a sin, and I receive your command to forgive just as I have been forgiven. I commit to crucify my self-will to receive your command and act on your command by faith.”
If you will genuinely receive God’s command to forgive, then you will begin to experience the supernatural transformation of divine forgiveness in your life (and in your marriage). Your power is in yielding your actions to the Holy Spirit (as Romans 6:12-14 says). As you yield to the Holy Spirit, HE becomes your power to do what you cannot do on your own; that is how your life and marriage are transformed.
Step # 4 – REPLACE Your Hard Heart With God’s Heart
At the Cross, Jesus made it possible for you to replace your hard heart with the heart of God. Paul understood this when he said in Galatians:
Galatians 2:20 (ESV)
20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
When we have crucified our self-will and self-interest with Christ (through repentance and godly sorrow), our hard hearts can be replaced with God’s divine heart. We need a supernatural transformation of our lives to forgive as God calls us to forgive. And when we do, we will begin to put off our own nature and put on Christ’s nature. Romans 12:1-2 is one of the best descriptions in the Bible of the supernatural transformation of your heart through the power of yielding your life to the Holy Spirit.
Romans 12:1–2 (NLT)
1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.
2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
God is ready, willing, and able. You, however, must choose to crucify your self-will and obey God’s Word. Your bitterness, resentment, and anger will begin to heal as you crucify your self-will, be renewed by the Holy Spirit, and put on the new nature of Jesus Christ. (see Ephesians 4:17-32, and Colossians 3:1-17.)
Those are the 4 steps we listed. But there is actually a crucial 5th step to divine forgiveness that we haven’t mentioned yet. This 5th step is the secret to living in divine forgiveness every day of your life. The secret fifth step to living in divine forgiveness is,
Step # 5 – REPEAT as Often as Necessary
When unforgiveness rises up again to damage your life, you must repeat the process. We must watch closely for any root of bitterness springing back up, and we must immediately crucify it by repeating this process.
You don’t have to be a slave to your unforgiveness. Anger and bitterness don’t have to destroy your life. You can begin to get victory over the sin of unforgiveness right now. God is ready, willing, and able to empower you to start walking in divine forgiveness by faith.
Response Time
Here are your questions for response time. Please review them slowly and honestly.
Are you holding onto unforgiveness in ANY area of your marriage?
Are you willing to crucify your Self-Will and have your heart supernaturally transformed by yielding to God’s agape love?
Are you willing to KEEP ASKING God for the power to forgive in the same proportion as God has forgiven you?
Please look into your spouse’s eyes and commit by faith (to whatever extent you can) to forgive as God has forgiven you and to allow God to make divine forgiveness a reality in your marriage.
Let’s Pray.
“Heavenly Father, we acknowledge that our unforgiveness is destroying our marriages. We receive your command to forgive as you have forgiven us. We repent of our sin of unforgiveness. Please give us a clean heart and renew a right spirit in us. May we yield to your agape love in our lives by the power of your Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
And now, homework . . .
Make The Comparison
Session 5 - Homework # 1
SCRIPTURE: Matt 18:21-35 Date ____________
PRAY TOGETHER
LISTEN
Read Matt 18:21-35 slowly, take your time, and get the picture clearly in your mind. As the parable develops, consider carefully who each of the characters represent.
THINK
In your own words, write out the primary lesson Jesus is teaching in this parable. Why is this such a big deal to Jesus?
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How will you apply this teaching to your marriage?
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Reread Matt 18:34-35. Have you ever felt “tortured” by your unforgiveness?
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What are some of the damaging effects of unforgiveness on you personally, your marriage, and your family?
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LISTEN
Read Heb 12:5-11, focusing on verses 5 and 11.
THINK
Do you think God has been trying to get your attention through the pain that unforgiveness has been causing in your life?
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Will you commit to focus your spiritual growth on THIS subject, to whatever extent it’s needed in your life and marriage?
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In what ways might you be able to focus your spiritual growth on this subject? (You may need a mentor/discipler to help answer this question)
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PRAY TOGETHER
Forgive To Be Forgiven
Session 5 - Homework # 2
SCRIPTURE: Matt 6:9-15, Mark 11:25, Luke 6:37-38 Date _____________
PRAY TOGETHER
LISTEN
Read Matt 6:9-15.
THINK
What single line of “The Lord’s Prayer” is actually ‘conditional’?
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Why, in your opinion, does Jesus go back in verses 14 and 15 and comment on verse 12?
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LISTEN
Read Mark 11:25 (some translations include v. 26).
THINK
Why would Jesus add verse 25 (26) to the statements in verses 22-24?
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LISTEN
Read Luke 6:37-38 very carefully. Don’t automatically start thinking about this verse in regard to money.
THINK
Using the subjects listed in verse 37, what does “Give” refer to? (The primary subject of the word “give” is dictated by the context of verse 37).
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Thinking about ALL THREE of these texts (Matt 6, Mark 11, Luke 6), what is the one overriding truth being very clearly taught?
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How does this life-changing truth apply to our marriages?
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PRAY TOGETHER
This is such a HUGE subject. Really take the time to pray together about what you’ve learned and discussed.
Divine Forgiveness in Marriage
Pastor Dave Shepardson, wordbymail.com
Welcome back to God’s Design for Marriage - Session 5.
In the last two sessions, we looked at “leaving” to become one flesh and “cleaving” to become one flesh. We ended session four with “7 Principles for Cleaving”. We also said that number seven was so significant that it required its own message. That seventh and final principle was “Living in Divine Forgiveness.” This subject can heal more marriages than possibly any other subject we will discuss during this series.
Unforgiveness is a wall that will always separate you and your spouse, a wall often built one brick (or hurt) at a time until those bricks all add up to a massive crisis. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness, resentment, anger, and even revenge, and these sins will destroy your marriage. And so, living in divine forgiveness becomes an absolute, constant, mandatory requirement for every God-designed marriage. I know some of you have some serious things that require a profound level of divine forgiveness. Still, I want you to know that GOD IS ABLE to provide the profound level of deep forgiveness you need!
We must recognize upfront that forgiveness and reconciliation do not always go together. Reconciliation requires repentance and transformation on the part of both parties. But, as a Christian, God calls you to divine forgiveness regardless of whether complete reconciliation can occur. Divine forgiveness is a requirement from God because the sin of unforgiveness not only separates you from your spouse but also separates you from God.
Let’s look at Ephesians 4:30-32 again (you’ve already seen it in your homework).
Ephesians 4:30–32 (NLT)
30 And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.
32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
After a strong warning in verse 30, verses 31-32 perfectly contrast unforgiveness (verse 31) and divine forgiveness (verse 32). Reread those two verses to see the contrast between unforgiveness and divine forgiveness.
In verse 32, we see the key to understanding divine forgiveness. The key is “just as” or “even as.” In Greek, “even as” means “in the same proportion or to the same degree.” We could read the end of verse 32 as “forgiving one another in the same proportion as God in Christ had forgiven you.”
And so, in Ephesians 4:32, we find today’s M.I.P.
Session 4 – Most Important Point
We must forgive one another in the same proportion as God in Christ has forgiven us.
Matthew Chapter 18 has an excellent picture of this “just as” command. “just as” meaning, in the “same proportion as.”
A picture of the ‘just as’ truth of divine forgiveness
Matthew 18:21–22 (NLT)
21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”
22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!
Some translations say “seventy-seven times,” but it doesn’t matter, seventy-seven or seventy times seven. Jesus is not saying to keep good track. He is commanding unlimited, unconditional forgiveness.
To do that, we must make the comparison. And as we continue in Matthew 18, Jesus does that for us. Beginning in Matthew 18:23 is a picture of you, God, and your spouse, and the purpose is for you to make a comparison.
Make the comparison
Matthew 18:23–25 (NLT)
23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him.
24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. (an un-repayable debt)
25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.
This servant owed a debt that could never be re-paid. So, the just (or right) thing to do was for the king to sell the man and his family into slavery to recover the debt owed by the man.
Matthew 18:26–27 (NLT)
26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’
27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.
This is a picture of you standing before God, owing a debt that can’t be paid, and receiving a full release and complete forgiveness from God. Now, the picture changes to that of you and your spouse.
Matthew 18:28 (NLT)
28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.
That is a drastically different response than the one this servant got from his master, who forgave him of his unrepayable debt. Consider carefully the vast difference between how the servant with the unrepayable debt was forgiven (that’s you being forgiven by God) versus the way the servant treated his fellow servant who owed him, by comparison, a relatively small debt (that’s you and your spouse.)
WE MUST MAKE THE COMPARISON between the phenomenal, unrepayable debt we owe God and the debt we feel our spouse owes us.
- How has God responded when you’ve wronged him, compared to how you’ve responded when your spouse has wronged you?
- When you’ve been wronged by your spouse, do you extract some type of repayment because you deserve it?
So, after the unforgiving servant had ‘laid hands’ on the one who owed him a small debt (by comparison), the parable continues. We’ll start again in Matthew 18:28.
28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.
29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded.
30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.
This sounds like some of our marriage relationships, perpetually putting each other in debtor’s prison. Now imagine the angels watching what Jesus Christ went through to forgive you of an unrepayable debt to God. Then, the angels watching you throw your spouse into debtor’s prison for their relatively small (by comparison) offense.
Matthew 18:31 (NLT)
31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened.
It’s like the angels are coming to God and saying, “We don’t understand. After all you have forgiven them of, look at how they are treating one another.” And so, the Master has a response for the unforgiving servant.
Matthew 18:32–34 (NLT)
32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me.
33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’
34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.
“Sent the man to prison to be tortured” sounds pretty drastic. Certainly, God wouldn’t do that to us just because we refuse to forgive our spouse of some offense, would he? Well . . . let’s read the next verse very carefully.
Matthew 18:35 (NLT)
35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”
Have you ever felt tortured by unforgiveness? Have bitterness, resentment, and anger been torturing you from the inside? Why would God allow us to feel tortured by our unforgiveness? Think of why we have pain in our physical bodies. That pain actually plays a crucial role in your healing because if you didn’t have physical pain when there was something wrong in your body, you would never go to the doctor, and you would die from never receiving care. God’s discipline plays a very similar role in our lives.
Hebrews 12:5–6 (NLT)
5 And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you.
6 For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”
Hebrews 12:11 (NLT)
11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.
God loves you enough to allow that bitterness, resentment, and anger to torture you until it breaks you so you can be healed. If you allow yourself to be trained by his chastisement, it will yield a peaceful harvest of right living (including divine forgiveness).
If you are living with bitterness, resentment, and anger toward your spouse, you are being tortured. God wants to free you and heal you, and he has given you the power (in the Holy Spirit) to forgive “just as” (in the same proportion) as God has forgiven you. He would not give you the command without providing you the power because you and I don’t have this level of forgiveness in our own nature. It can only come from the divine nature of God. It must be supernaturally imparted to you by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Let’s turn over to the Lord’s Prayer. Here, right in the middle of the Lord’s Prayer, we see a conditional statement:
Matthew 6:12 (NLT)
12 and forgive us our sins, as (in the same way as) we have forgiven those who sin against us.
Do you really want God to forgive you in the same way and in the same proportion as you forgive your spouse? Is that how you want God to deal with you? Following the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus chooses just one subject of the prayer to add commentary to.
Matthew 6:14–15 (NLT)
14 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Some of us have never really read those verses before. Jesus isn’t talking about salvation here. He has made it clear this is a prayer for disciples who are already saved. The issue here is being in a right relationship with God. Your relationship with God will feel tortured, and your relationship with your spouse will feel tortured until you learn to live in divine forgiveness in your marriage.
There are two other critical passages on why we must forgive, which are included in your homework; Mark 11:25 and Luke 6:37-38. This is a crucial subject, so please study it in your homework.
A marriage cannot always be reconciled by one spouse’s divine forgiveness alone because it takes two willing and committed parties for reconciliation and restoration to occur in a marriage. But – please hear me – you must still forgive your spouse, even if they are unwilling to repair your marriage. Here’s why. When unforgiveness turns to bitterness, anger, and wrath, it’s like you are drinking poison and hoping someone else dies (you may need to read that again). Please do not drink the poison of unforgiveness.
This is the halfway point of this message. This may be a good place to pause and review what you have read so far.
PART 2 - How Can We Live in Divine Forgiveness?
The question is, how? How can we experience God’s divine forgiveness in our marriages? How can we forgive in the same proportion as God has forgiven us? How can we end the torture that unforgiveness brings into our lives? How can we make our relationship with our spouse and God right through divine forgiveness?
First, we need to know that divine forgiveness does not approve of or excuse sin in your spouse. It does not deny the offense, and it does not pretend that you are not hurt. Divine forgiveness is you being fully aware of the offense and making a choice (against your feelings) to:
1) RELEASE them from the debt.
2) REFUSE to punish them.
3) KEEP NO RECORD of the wrong.
That is how God in Christ has forgiven you, and that is how you are called to forgive your spouse. Divine forgiveness acknowledges the wrong done and then chooses to completely forgive it. The offense must be willfully, purposefully forgiven, and all resentment crucified. You may think you can’t forgive at that level. And, without God, it is impossible.
But, Romans 5:5 says (ESV)
5 . . . God’s love (agape love) has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
God’s agape love is unconditional, self-sacrificing love that we don’t have in our nature. It is the power of God that is alive in us. We can’t apply it in our own strength. We can only choose by faith to yield to the agape love God has given us by the Holy Spirit.
All the steps to divine forgiveness are supernatural, and they all start with us crucifying our self-will and then seeking God’s transforming power. Living in divine forgiveness transforms our lives from our old sinful nature to God’s divine nature. And you can start this transformation process today. Today, you can begin to supernaturally live in divine forgiveness. Here are four steps that God can use to lead you there.
4 Steps to Living in Divine Forgiveness
- Recognize unforgiveness in your heart.
- Repent of your sin with godly sorrow.
- Receive God’s command to forgive by faith.
- Replace your hard heart with God’s unconditionally loving heart.
Step # 1 - RECOGNIZE Unforgiveness in Your Heart
Unforgiveness will continue damaging your marriage for as long as you hold on to it. So, begin this process by asking God to reveal any unforgiveness you are carrying. We must continuously pray with King David in;
Psalm 139:23–24 (NLT)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
God has given us signs to show us when we are harboring unforgiveness.
The first sign of unforgiveness is separation. Unforgiveness is a sin that separates us from God and from our spouse. If we feel separated from our spouse and/or God, we must search our hearts for this first sign of unforgiveness.
The second sign of unforgiveness is our tongue.
Matthew 12:34
34 . . . For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
Listen to the words coming out of your mouth because your tongue always reveals any unforgiveness in your heart. Anger, bitterness, resentment, and jealousy are all signs of unforgiveness, and these sins are all revealed by what comes out of your mouth toward your spouse.
There are other signs of unforgiveness, and we must be on constant guard to recognize the signs because unforgiveness is an open door for Satan to bring destruction into our lives. In 2 Corinthians Chapter 2, Paul is speaking about the necessity of forgiveness in the church, and in verse 11, he says, “...lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices.” If you allow him to, Satan will take advantage of any unforgiveness in your heart to bring damage and destruction into your life.
Step # 2 – REPENT of Your Sin With Godly Sorrow
You must recognize that unforgiveness is a sin that must be repented of.
2 Corinthians 7:10 (NKJV)
10 For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted . . .
Repentance means “A change of mind, purpose, and action.” The most outstanding display of repentance in the Bible is probably in Psalm 51, where King David truly displays godly sorrow, leading to true repentance. Study this chapter, and ask the Holy Spirit to help you see the true repentance that comes from godly sorrow. If you desire to move toward divine forgiveness, Psalm 51 must be the prayer of your heart.
Psalm 51:10–12 (ESV)
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Until you see unforgiveness as a sin, you will continue to justify it and live in the torture. Consider the definitions of godly sorrow and repentance,
Godly sorrow = sorrow or grieving that is due (owed to) God
Repentance = A change of mind, purpose, and action
Have you experienced this level of godly sorrow over your sin of unforgiveness? Until you do, you will continue to justify and rationalize your pride and self-will, and Satan will continue to bring destruction into your marriage and your life. When we experience sorrow and grieving that we rightfully owe to God, it produces a change of mind, purpose, and action. God will begin to heal us when we come with genuine godly sorrow and a broken and contrite heart.
Step # 3 – RECEIVE God’s Command to Forgive by Faith
There is nothing here about feelings. This is strictly about faith that leads to obedience. Faith is the opposite of feeling. God is waiting for you to say:
“Lord, I believe your Word that says my unforgiveness is a sin, and I receive your command to forgive just as I have been forgiven. I commit to crucify my self-will to receive your command and act on your command by faith.”
If you will genuinely receive God’s command to forgive, then you will begin to experience the supernatural transformation of divine forgiveness in your life (and in your marriage). Your power is in yielding your actions to the Holy Spirit (as Romans 6:12-14 says). As you yield to the Holy Spirit, HE becomes your power to do what you cannot do on your own; that is how your life and marriage are transformed.
Step # 4 – REPLACE Your Hard Heart With God’s Heart
At the Cross, Jesus made it possible for you to replace your hard heart with the heart of God. Paul understood this when he said in Galatians:
Galatians 2:20 (ESV)
20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
When we have crucified our self-will and self-interest with Christ (through repentance and godly sorrow), our hard hearts can be replaced with God’s divine heart. We need a supernatural transformation of our lives to forgive as God calls us to forgive. And when we do, we will begin to put off our own nature and put on Christ’s nature. Romans 12:1-2 is one of the best descriptions in the Bible of the supernatural transformation of your heart through the power of yielding your life to the Holy Spirit.
Romans 12:1–2 (NLT)
1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.
2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
God is ready, willing, and able. You, however, must choose to crucify your self-will and obey God’s Word. Your bitterness, resentment, and anger will begin to heal as you crucify your self-will, be renewed by the Holy Spirit, and put on the new nature of Jesus Christ. (see Ephesians 4:17-32, and Colossians 3:1-17.)
Those are the 4 steps we listed. But there is actually a crucial 5th step to divine forgiveness that we haven’t mentioned yet. This 5th step is the secret to living in divine forgiveness every day of your life. The secret fifth step to living in divine forgiveness is,
Step # 5 – REPEAT as Often as Necessary
When unforgiveness rises up again to damage your life, you must repeat the process. We must watch closely for any root of bitterness springing back up, and we must immediately crucify it by repeating this process.
You don’t have to be a slave to your unforgiveness. Anger and bitterness don’t have to destroy your life. You can begin to get victory over the sin of unforgiveness right now. God is ready, willing, and able to empower you to start walking in divine forgiveness by faith.
Response Time
Here are your questions for response time. Please review them slowly and honestly.
Are you holding onto unforgiveness in ANY area of your marriage?
Are you willing to crucify your Self-Will and have your heart supernaturally transformed by yielding to God’s agape love?
Are you willing to KEEP ASKING God for the power to forgive in the same proportion as God has forgiven you?
Please look into your spouse’s eyes and commit by faith (to whatever extent you can) to forgive as God has forgiven you and to allow God to make divine forgiveness a reality in your marriage.
Let’s Pray.
“Heavenly Father, we acknowledge that our unforgiveness is destroying our marriages. We receive your command to forgive as you have forgiven us. We repent of our sin of unforgiveness. Please give us a clean heart and renew a right spirit in us. May we yield to your agape love in our lives by the power of your Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
And now, homework . . .
Make The Comparison
Session 5 - Homework # 1
SCRIPTURE: Matt 18:21-35 Date ____________
PRAY TOGETHER
LISTEN
Read Matt 18:21-35 slowly, take your time, and get the picture clearly in your mind. As the parable develops, consider carefully who each of the characters represent.
THINK
In your own words, write out the primary lesson Jesus is teaching in this parable. Why is this such a big deal to Jesus?
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How will you apply this teaching to your marriage?
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Reread Matt 18:34-35. Have you ever felt “tortured” by your unforgiveness?
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What are some of the damaging effects of unforgiveness on you personally, your marriage, and your family?
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LISTEN
Read Heb 12:5-11, focusing on verses 5 and 11.
THINK
Do you think God has been trying to get your attention through the pain that unforgiveness has been causing in your life?
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Will you commit to focus your spiritual growth on THIS subject, to whatever extent it’s needed in your life and marriage?
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In what ways might you be able to focus your spiritual growth on this subject? (You may need a mentor/discipler to help answer this question)
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PRAY TOGETHER
Forgive To Be Forgiven
Session 5 - Homework # 2
SCRIPTURE: Matt 6:9-15, Mark 11:25, Luke 6:37-38 Date _____________
PRAY TOGETHER
LISTEN
Read Matt 6:9-15.
THINK
What single line of “The Lord’s Prayer” is actually ‘conditional’?
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Why, in your opinion, does Jesus go back in verses 14 and 15 and comment on verse 12?
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LISTEN
Read Mark 11:25 (some translations include v. 26).
THINK
Why would Jesus add verse 25 (26) to the statements in verses 22-24?
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LISTEN
Read Luke 6:37-38 very carefully. Don’t automatically start thinking about this verse in regard to money.
THINK
Using the subjects listed in verse 37, what does “Give” refer to? (The primary subject of the word “give” is dictated by the context of verse 37).
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Thinking about ALL THREE of these texts (Matt 6, Mark 11, Luke 6), what is the one overriding truth being very clearly taught?
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How does this life-changing truth apply to our marriages?
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PRAY TOGETHER
This is such a HUGE subject. Really take the time to pray together about what you’ve learned and discussed.