Leave to Become One Flesh
Session 3
Chapter 3
Leave To Become One Flesh
Pastor Dave Shepardson, wordbymail.com
Welcome back to God' Design for Marriage - Session 3
We began looking at the key verse on marriage in the last session, Genesis 2:24, and we are returning to that verse in this session. You'll remember from our previous session our KEY foundation scripture on marriage;
Genesis 2:24 (ESV)
24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
This verse encapsulates God's design for marriage in the same way John 3:16 encapsulates God's plan of salvation.
Session two's MIP was: Every major marriage problem can be traced back to some conflict with these three commands - Leave - Cleave -Become One Flesh. Today, we want to focus on the first of these three commands; Leave.
LEAVE
The first principle in the Genesis command for marriage is "leave." The reason God calls us to "leave" is so that we can become one flesh (a subsequent process). In Genesis 2:24, this principle of leaving is specifically applied to our parents because those ties must be radically changed. However, by implication, this concept also applies to all other relationships as well.
Dr. Ed Wheat says this:
"Marriage begins with a 'leaving:' leaving all other relationships. The closest relationship outside of marriage is specified here, implying that if it is necessary to leave your father and mother, then certainly all lesser ties must be broken, changed, or left behind."
The first thing God requires of us to become one flesh is to leave, in some sense, all other relationships, beginning with our parents. The Bible calls us to always honor and care for our parents. Still, in the sense of emotional, relational, and physical dependence, we must leave, to some extent, that relationship with our parents. And if that's true in our relationship with our parents, then it is certainly true in all other relationships.
So, here is our Most Important Point for session three;
Session Three MIP – (Most Important Point)
You must loosen, depart from, or abandon all other relationships to become one flesh with your spouse.
Let's look at how the word "Leave" is translated from Hebrew and then see how we can apply it. The following is adapted from "A Biblical Portrait of Marriage" by Bruce Wilkinson, whose teachings you will find adapted and adopted within these sessions.
Notice the graduating intensity levels in these 3 definitions of the Hebrew word that we translate, leave.
Hebrew "Leave" (AZAB) – 3 Key Definitions:
1) To Loosen
2) To Depart from
3) To Forsake or Abandon
Let's start with parents, then move on from there.
Parents can do great service to their children by understanding the first intensity use of the word LEAVE, which means "to loosen." Parents must loosen their grip on their children as they prepare for marriage; they've got to release the reigns. Pam and I have had to do this three times. The first time we had to do it was while I was teaching God's Design For Marriage for the first time.
For twenty years, our lives had been wrapped up in caring for our children's daily physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. We loved every minute of those years, and it's not easy to loosen that level of care. But there comes a time when children must be released from their parents, and their primary care must be transferred to their spouse in ALL areas.
That does NOT mean children should no longer honor their father and mother. But it DOES mean their primary allegiance, primary relationship, and primary care must change from their parents to their spouses. Bruce Wilkinson suggests a formal "Apron String Cutting" ceremony at every wedding (for the parent's good).
To understand how serious this change in relationship priority is, let's look at the shocking quote Jesus made in Luke 14:26 about what it takes to be united to Him as His disciple.
Luke 14:26 (NLT)
26 "If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison - your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple.
Jesus is not condoning hate here of anyone. He's setting a clear priority by comparison. By comparison, our love for Him is to be at such a higher priority that it makes our love for anyone else look even like hate. That's a radical statement of what it looks like to follow Jesus. But it gives a perfect example of what Genesis 2:24 means by saying we must leave, to some extent, all other relationships to become one flesh with our spouse. It means that by comparison ... there is NO comparison.
In Matthew 10:37 (NLT), Jesus says
37 "If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine.
Again, this is a matter of priority in relationships, and the same explanation can be used for the marriage relationship. If someone holds their father or mother (or anyone else) as a higher priority (by comparison) to their spouse, then they are not ready to be married. If they don't leave, to some extent, ALL other relationships, they will not be able to become one flesh with their spouse.
This doesn't mean we stop honoring our parents or being a part of their lives, and it doesn't mean we can't have other friends and interests. But it does mean there can never be any other relationship that compares to the commitment and the priority we put on our marriage relationship. In all senses of priority, we must leave every other relationship. We must be willing to forsake all others for our spouse.
No emotional control, no financial control, no relational control. This doesn't mean you don't get counsel and wisdom from others. It means if there is a control problem, especially with your parents, sometimes you must distance yourself physically from that control for the sake of your marriage. You must loosen and depart from all other relationship priorities to become one flesh with your spouse.
I once received a call from a newlywed couple who were arguing, and they wanted me to tell them who was right. Here was the couple's question: Was it okay for the husband to maintain a strictly friendship-relationship with a girl who used to be his high-school girlfriend?? The answer is: absolutely, positively, without a doubt, NO! God's command is to forsake and abandon that relationship.
There can never be any relationship or interest that compares to the commitment and priority we put on our marriage relationship. It is God's design for you to forsake and abandon any relationship that could be detrimental to your marriage. In reality, all individual relationships with members of the opposite sex must be forsaken and abandoned for you to become "one flesh" with your spouse. There should be no individual relationships with a person of the opposite sex.
Let's look again at the graduating intensity in these definitions.
"Leave" – Hebrew word "AZAB":
1) To Loosen - - to release, to reprioritize
2) To Depart From - - to pull back from, physically
3) To Forsake or Abandon - - to utterly disregard
Some relationships, you must "Loosen" (change priority)
Some relationships you must "Depart From" (physically change)
Some relationships you must "Forsake and Abandon" (run away)
This applies to ANY relationship that causes stress and conflict in your marriage. I knew a couple where the wife's single friends would take her out dancing with other guys on a "girl's night out" - those relationships must be forsaken and abandoned. Most of the people I know who are married have had to forsake and abandon some relationships when they got married.
The intensities of the word "leave" apply not only to relationships but also to other interests. Work, hobbies, and even ministry. We have to reset our priorities for all these things. At times, we must loosen; at times, we must depart; and at times, we must forsake and abandon them for the benefit of our marriage.
Does this mean you'll never be able to do those things? No. From a priority standpoint, it means you must be willing to reprioritize and even radically change all other relationships and interests for your spouse. That is the first step to becoming "one flesh." Unless you are willing to leave, at some level, all other relationships and interests, you will never develop the genuine "one flesh" relationship God designed for your marriage.
Finally, to close this lesson, response time;
Bringing God's design into your marriage requires honestly responding to God and your spouse. Here's your opportunity in this lesson. This may be difficult, but please hang in there and do the hard things.
Please trade workbooks with each other to write in each other's workbooks.
Take your time, and do this honestly. Write up to three relationships or interests you would like to see your spouse reprioritize for the benefit of your marriage. Then, hand your spouse's workbook back to them.
The following is to be completed by your spouse in your workbook:
Three relationships or interests I would like to see reprioritized for the benefit of our marriage:
#1 ________________________________________________________________
#2 ________________________________________________________________
#3 ________________________________________________________________
Please take your own workbook back from your spouse. The following is to be completed by you in your own workbook:
Am I willing to take tangible steps to reprioritize the relationships and interests my spouse listed in my workbook?
#1 (from above) YES ____ NO ____
#2 (from above) YES ____ NO ____
#3 (from above) YES ____ NO ____
If you checked a NO box, are you willing to bring this before the Lord and have further loving conversations with your spouse about it? __________
If your spouse checked a NO box, don't overreact. For your homework this week, I will ask you to continue this discussion with your spouse.
Bottom line - If there are any other relationships or interests that have the potential to damage your marriage, you have got to be willing to loosen them, depart from them, or forsake and abandon them altogether.
When you do, you will be on your way to becoming one flesh.
Let's pray.
Heavenly Father, these are hard things to look at and talk about. But with the power of your Holy Spirit, we can do these things. Please help us to become one flesh. Help us honestly look at our lives and loosen, depart from, or forsake anything damaging our marriage relationship. We commit to continuing to crucify our self-will, and we commit to seeking your will in our marriage. Please continue to reveal your design to us, and please continue to transform our marriage. In Jesus' name, Amen.
And now . . . HOMEWORK
Leave, to some extent, all other relationships
Session 3 - Homework # 1
SCRIPTURE: Eph 4:29-32, Gen 2:24, Date ______________
PRAY - Slow down. Pray together for honest, loving conversation during this time.
LISTEN
Read Eph 4:29-32. Each one of you read it out loud. Make a commitment to follow these guidelines in this conversation.
In Gen 2:24, we are commanded to LEAVE, to some extent, all other relationships (exemplified by our relationship with our parents) in order to become one flesh with our spouse.
The three intensities of the Hebrew word for leave are:
1) To Loosen (to Re-Prioritize)
2) To Depart From (to Pull Back From)
3) To Forsake or Abandon (to Utterly Disregard)
DISCUSS
Discuss these three definitions until you understand them. Discuss the relationships or interests you both wrote down in this chapter of your workbook. Take turns talking about why you would like to see a change in how your spouse prioritizes each item you wrote down.
If this conversation gets heated, STOP and re-read Eph 4:29-32.
What relationships or interests are you in disagreement about reprioritizing?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
What conflicts have these relationships or interests created in your marriage?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
What commitments can you make to one another to LEAVE, to some extent, the relationships or interests that are causing conflicts in your marriage?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
LISTEN
Read Phil 2:2-4 together. And apologize to your spouse if necessary.
PRAY
Pray together about what you’ve discussed. Write the highlights of your prayer.
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Slaves to Sin or Slaves to God
Session 3 - Homework # 2
SCRIPTURE: Rom 6:6, Rom 6:16, Date ____________
PRAY - Slow Down. Pray together. Ask God to continue to transform your marriage.
LISTEN
Read Rom 6:5-11. Talk about why these verses are critical for a ‘transformed marriage.’
THINK
Based on Rom 6:6, can we overcome our self-will nature (our natural tendency to focus on ‘self’ and serve ‘self’)? What makes this possible?
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Why is this verse important in moving us from a ‘self-focused’ relationship (where we expect our spouse to make us happy) to a ‘faith-focused’ relationship (where we rely on God instead of self-fulfillment)?
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
LISTEN
Remember - the specific sin we’re talking about is the sin of self-will in our marriages.
Read Rom 6:15-19. Talk about the idea of being a slave, either to righteousness or to sin. Make sure you understand the end result of being a slave to sin.
THINK
Based on Rom 6:16-18, CAN your marriage be transformed from a “self-focused” relationship to a “faith-focused” relationship?
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Based on Rom 6:16, what consistent choice must you make in order to see this transformation take place in your marriage?
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
PRAY
Each of you pray that God would give you the power to make “faith-based” choices in your marriage, instead of “self-based” choices.
COMMIT
Write down any commitments made during this homework time.
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Leave To Become One Flesh
Pastor Dave Shepardson, wordbymail.com
Welcome back to God' Design for Marriage - Session 3
We began looking at the key verse on marriage in the last session, Genesis 2:24, and we are returning to that verse in this session. You'll remember from our previous session our KEY foundation scripture on marriage;
Genesis 2:24 (ESV)
24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
This verse encapsulates God's design for marriage in the same way John 3:16 encapsulates God's plan of salvation.
Session two's MIP was: Every major marriage problem can be traced back to some conflict with these three commands - Leave - Cleave -Become One Flesh. Today, we want to focus on the first of these three commands; Leave.
LEAVE
The first principle in the Genesis command for marriage is "leave." The reason God calls us to "leave" is so that we can become one flesh (a subsequent process). In Genesis 2:24, this principle of leaving is specifically applied to our parents because those ties must be radically changed. However, by implication, this concept also applies to all other relationships as well.
Dr. Ed Wheat says this:
"Marriage begins with a 'leaving:' leaving all other relationships. The closest relationship outside of marriage is specified here, implying that if it is necessary to leave your father and mother, then certainly all lesser ties must be broken, changed, or left behind."
The first thing God requires of us to become one flesh is to leave, in some sense, all other relationships, beginning with our parents. The Bible calls us to always honor and care for our parents. Still, in the sense of emotional, relational, and physical dependence, we must leave, to some extent, that relationship with our parents. And if that's true in our relationship with our parents, then it is certainly true in all other relationships.
So, here is our Most Important Point for session three;
Session Three MIP – (Most Important Point)
You must loosen, depart from, or abandon all other relationships to become one flesh with your spouse.
Let's look at how the word "Leave" is translated from Hebrew and then see how we can apply it. The following is adapted from "A Biblical Portrait of Marriage" by Bruce Wilkinson, whose teachings you will find adapted and adopted within these sessions.
Notice the graduating intensity levels in these 3 definitions of the Hebrew word that we translate, leave.
Hebrew "Leave" (AZAB) – 3 Key Definitions:
1) To Loosen
2) To Depart from
3) To Forsake or Abandon
Let's start with parents, then move on from there.
Parents can do great service to their children by understanding the first intensity use of the word LEAVE, which means "to loosen." Parents must loosen their grip on their children as they prepare for marriage; they've got to release the reigns. Pam and I have had to do this three times. The first time we had to do it was while I was teaching God's Design For Marriage for the first time.
For twenty years, our lives had been wrapped up in caring for our children's daily physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. We loved every minute of those years, and it's not easy to loosen that level of care. But there comes a time when children must be released from their parents, and their primary care must be transferred to their spouse in ALL areas.
That does NOT mean children should no longer honor their father and mother. But it DOES mean their primary allegiance, primary relationship, and primary care must change from their parents to their spouses. Bruce Wilkinson suggests a formal "Apron String Cutting" ceremony at every wedding (for the parent's good).
To understand how serious this change in relationship priority is, let's look at the shocking quote Jesus made in Luke 14:26 about what it takes to be united to Him as His disciple.
Luke 14:26 (NLT)
26 "If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison - your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple.
Jesus is not condoning hate here of anyone. He's setting a clear priority by comparison. By comparison, our love for Him is to be at such a higher priority that it makes our love for anyone else look even like hate. That's a radical statement of what it looks like to follow Jesus. But it gives a perfect example of what Genesis 2:24 means by saying we must leave, to some extent, all other relationships to become one flesh with our spouse. It means that by comparison ... there is NO comparison.
In Matthew 10:37 (NLT), Jesus says
37 "If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine.
Again, this is a matter of priority in relationships, and the same explanation can be used for the marriage relationship. If someone holds their father or mother (or anyone else) as a higher priority (by comparison) to their spouse, then they are not ready to be married. If they don't leave, to some extent, ALL other relationships, they will not be able to become one flesh with their spouse.
This doesn't mean we stop honoring our parents or being a part of their lives, and it doesn't mean we can't have other friends and interests. But it does mean there can never be any other relationship that compares to the commitment and the priority we put on our marriage relationship. In all senses of priority, we must leave every other relationship. We must be willing to forsake all others for our spouse.
- The first intensity used for the Hebrew word translated "leave" is - to loosen.
- The second intensity used for "leave" is - to depart from.
No emotional control, no financial control, no relational control. This doesn't mean you don't get counsel and wisdom from others. It means if there is a control problem, especially with your parents, sometimes you must distance yourself physically from that control for the sake of your marriage. You must loosen and depart from all other relationship priorities to become one flesh with your spouse.
- The first intensity is to loosen (a priority change).
- The second intensity is to depart from (a physical change)
- The third and strongest intensity is "to forsake or abandon."
I once received a call from a newlywed couple who were arguing, and they wanted me to tell them who was right. Here was the couple's question: Was it okay for the husband to maintain a strictly friendship-relationship with a girl who used to be his high-school girlfriend?? The answer is: absolutely, positively, without a doubt, NO! God's command is to forsake and abandon that relationship.
There can never be any relationship or interest that compares to the commitment and priority we put on our marriage relationship. It is God's design for you to forsake and abandon any relationship that could be detrimental to your marriage. In reality, all individual relationships with members of the opposite sex must be forsaken and abandoned for you to become "one flesh" with your spouse. There should be no individual relationships with a person of the opposite sex.
Let's look again at the graduating intensity in these definitions.
"Leave" – Hebrew word "AZAB":
1) To Loosen - - to release, to reprioritize
2) To Depart From - - to pull back from, physically
3) To Forsake or Abandon - - to utterly disregard
Some relationships, you must "Loosen" (change priority)
Some relationships you must "Depart From" (physically change)
Some relationships you must "Forsake and Abandon" (run away)
This applies to ANY relationship that causes stress and conflict in your marriage. I knew a couple where the wife's single friends would take her out dancing with other guys on a "girl's night out" - those relationships must be forsaken and abandoned. Most of the people I know who are married have had to forsake and abandon some relationships when they got married.
The intensities of the word "leave" apply not only to relationships but also to other interests. Work, hobbies, and even ministry. We have to reset our priorities for all these things. At times, we must loosen; at times, we must depart; and at times, we must forsake and abandon them for the benefit of our marriage.
Does this mean you'll never be able to do those things? No. From a priority standpoint, it means you must be willing to reprioritize and even radically change all other relationships and interests for your spouse. That is the first step to becoming "one flesh." Unless you are willing to leave, at some level, all other relationships and interests, you will never develop the genuine "one flesh" relationship God designed for your marriage.
Finally, to close this lesson, response time;
Bringing God's design into your marriage requires honestly responding to God and your spouse. Here's your opportunity in this lesson. This may be difficult, but please hang in there and do the hard things.
Please trade workbooks with each other to write in each other's workbooks.
Take your time, and do this honestly. Write up to three relationships or interests you would like to see your spouse reprioritize for the benefit of your marriage. Then, hand your spouse's workbook back to them.
The following is to be completed by your spouse in your workbook:
Three relationships or interests I would like to see reprioritized for the benefit of our marriage:
#1 ________________________________________________________________
#2 ________________________________________________________________
#3 ________________________________________________________________
Please take your own workbook back from your spouse. The following is to be completed by you in your own workbook:
Am I willing to take tangible steps to reprioritize the relationships and interests my spouse listed in my workbook?
#1 (from above) YES ____ NO ____
#2 (from above) YES ____ NO ____
#3 (from above) YES ____ NO ____
If you checked a NO box, are you willing to bring this before the Lord and have further loving conversations with your spouse about it? __________
If your spouse checked a NO box, don't overreact. For your homework this week, I will ask you to continue this discussion with your spouse.
Bottom line - If there are any other relationships or interests that have the potential to damage your marriage, you have got to be willing to loosen them, depart from them, or forsake and abandon them altogether.
When you do, you will be on your way to becoming one flesh.
Let's pray.
Heavenly Father, these are hard things to look at and talk about. But with the power of your Holy Spirit, we can do these things. Please help us to become one flesh. Help us honestly look at our lives and loosen, depart from, or forsake anything damaging our marriage relationship. We commit to continuing to crucify our self-will, and we commit to seeking your will in our marriage. Please continue to reveal your design to us, and please continue to transform our marriage. In Jesus' name, Amen.
And now . . . HOMEWORK
Leave, to some extent, all other relationships
Session 3 - Homework # 1
SCRIPTURE: Eph 4:29-32, Gen 2:24, Date ______________
PRAY - Slow down. Pray together for honest, loving conversation during this time.
LISTEN
Read Eph 4:29-32. Each one of you read it out loud. Make a commitment to follow these guidelines in this conversation.
In Gen 2:24, we are commanded to LEAVE, to some extent, all other relationships (exemplified by our relationship with our parents) in order to become one flesh with our spouse.
The three intensities of the Hebrew word for leave are:
1) To Loosen (to Re-Prioritize)
2) To Depart From (to Pull Back From)
3) To Forsake or Abandon (to Utterly Disregard)
DISCUSS
Discuss these three definitions until you understand them. Discuss the relationships or interests you both wrote down in this chapter of your workbook. Take turns talking about why you would like to see a change in how your spouse prioritizes each item you wrote down.
If this conversation gets heated, STOP and re-read Eph 4:29-32.
What relationships or interests are you in disagreement about reprioritizing?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
What conflicts have these relationships or interests created in your marriage?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
What commitments can you make to one another to LEAVE, to some extent, the relationships or interests that are causing conflicts in your marriage?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
LISTEN
Read Phil 2:2-4 together. And apologize to your spouse if necessary.
PRAY
Pray together about what you’ve discussed. Write the highlights of your prayer.
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Slaves to Sin or Slaves to God
Session 3 - Homework # 2
SCRIPTURE: Rom 6:6, Rom 6:16, Date ____________
PRAY - Slow Down. Pray together. Ask God to continue to transform your marriage.
LISTEN
Read Rom 6:5-11. Talk about why these verses are critical for a ‘transformed marriage.’
THINK
Based on Rom 6:6, can we overcome our self-will nature (our natural tendency to focus on ‘self’ and serve ‘self’)? What makes this possible?
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Why is this verse important in moving us from a ‘self-focused’ relationship (where we expect our spouse to make us happy) to a ‘faith-focused’ relationship (where we rely on God instead of self-fulfillment)?
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
LISTEN
Remember - the specific sin we’re talking about is the sin of self-will in our marriages.
Read Rom 6:15-19. Talk about the idea of being a slave, either to righteousness or to sin. Make sure you understand the end result of being a slave to sin.
THINK
Based on Rom 6:16-18, CAN your marriage be transformed from a “self-focused” relationship to a “faith-focused” relationship?
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Based on Rom 6:16, what consistent choice must you make in order to see this transformation take place in your marriage?
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
PRAY
Each of you pray that God would give you the power to make “faith-based” choices in your marriage, instead of “self-based” choices.
COMMIT
Write down any commitments made during this homework time.
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________