How to Stay Married
Matthew 19:1-8
In honor of thirty-five years of marriage and in honor of what the Lord has done to keep us married and to bless our family, the title of the message today, “How To Stay Married.” Even if you’re not married, there are principles in this message you can apply to your life right now. Some will be married and you need to hear this message.
I do have to give a PG13 alert. Marriage involves the s-e-x word. I will be referring to that today, but genuinely, it’s going to be light. Like PG13. I mean, trust me, what was on TV last night was a hundred times worse than anything I’m going to be talking about this message. If you would rather not have your child hear that word or any comments about that subject, now is the time to slip out.
You know, I’ve heard pastors in their thirties (because marriage is a big subject to teach on. There are two subjects people like to hear about, marriage and end times) married perhaps five years, with a six-month-old baby preach on how to stay married. Or how to raise your children in the Lord.
So, after thirty-five and three God-fearing, Christ-following, sold-out disciples for children, I figure it’s finally time. That I can say, “listen. I’ve actually been through it.” And I can speak from experience. Know that much of what I say is from experience. Again, I know many of you aren’t married, it’s okay. Stay listening and say, “God, how does this apply? How will it apply in my life?”
So the other thing I realize, as I talk about how to stay married, is I realize that a lot of you have been divorced. Statistics say that fifty percent outside the church and forty percent inside the church have been divorced. Forty percent. Another thing that stupid young pastors say is “I’ve never had anybody that I’ve married get divorced.”
“Really? How long have you been marrying people?”
“Eight months.”
Okay, well, get back to me. I don’t remember counting my second one, but when my first couple I married got divorced, it blew my mind. It was like, “Lord, I told them. What did I do wrong?” Forty percent of the marriages in this room either have gone through divorce or will. That’s bad. So, if you have gone through divorce, please hear me, God can handle it. God can forgive and he can restore. And so if you have been divorced I pray that you have fully sought at and received both God’s forgiveness and his restoration. He has it for you. In fact, if you have never been divorced, no matter what your stage or situation in life is, I pray that you have sought out and received God’s forgiveness and his restoration because you who have not been divorced need it just as bad as you who have been divorced. And so for all of us, my prayer is that we have sought out and received God’s forgiveness and restoration. Someday I’ll do a divorce recovery, healing message. For this message, it’s “How To Stay Married” in honor of my thirty-fifth wedding anniversary.
Matthew chapter 19 is where we are at. Jesus had just left Galilee for the last time. I mean, it gets hardcore starting in chapter 16 of Matthew. And Peter’s confession, and the transfiguration in 17 and then in Matthew 18 at the end is the famous forgiveness test. I think it’s very cool that possibly the greatest text on forgiveness is just prior to the text we are going to read on marriage. Do you see the connection there? If you’ve been married more than a year, you need to see the connection. So, divine forgiveness at the end of chapter 18. Marriage at the beginning of chapter 19. That’s where we’re at.
Jesus had left the North. He had come down on his way to Jerusalem for the Triumphal Entry, chapter 21 he’ll be riding through the Eastern Gate for the Triumphal Entry. Right now he is around Judea on the other side of the Jordan, teaching as he is moving toward Jerusalem, and the Pharisees are doing what they’re supposed to do. They’re trying to trap him. They are being religious idiots. Perhaps you have run into a few yourselves, there are plenty of Pharisees still among us today. (I read this book; in fact, all the leaders read this book, called “Confessions of a Recovering Pharisee.” And it was for pastors, recognizing we all have that tendency.)
The Pharisees were chasing Jesus around. And so, they try to trap him in the beginning of chapter 19 about marriage. Now, you’re going to think this text is about divorce. No! This text is not about divorce. This text is about staying married. Jesus in this text in Matthew 19 is not giving us a loophole to get divorced. This is how you stay married; this is why you stay married. That’s his real point, in Matthew 19.
Matthew 19:1-4 (NLT)
1 When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went down to the region of Judea east of the Jordan River.
2 Large crowds followed him there, and he healed their sick.
3 Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?”
4 “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’”
Now you might think, “Hey Dave. You should probably stop right there and talk about that.” Okay… I will. Speaking of marriage, the first thing Jesus says in this text that is challenged about marriage is from the beginning. That’s not from the beginning of this current Supreme Court session. It’s from the beginning; Genesis chapters 1 and 2. From the beginning, God made them (speaking of marriage) male and female.
I just read a news article day before yesterday by chance; my son pointed it out to me. An article about a man who is suing two of the major Bible publishers for 70 million dollars for printing anti-gay material in the Bible. I want you to know if that case gets to this Supreme Court we know for a fact that they will try to force the Bible publishers to rewrite the Bible. We know they will because they’re rewriting our culture now. 70 million dollar lawsuit against two of the largest Bible publishers and it’s moving ahead for publishing anti-gay material. Can I tell you something right now? God is not anti-gay, not for a second. God is anti-sin. He loves all sinners no matter what type of sinful activity they are involved in.
So, in 30 AD, Jesus says, in love, from the beginning regarding marriage, it was for a man and a woman, male and female. He said it in love. We will continue to say it in love. Please hear me. We will continue to say what the Bible says in love. We are preparing for both civil and criminal persecution and potentially prosecution for speaking the Word of God in love. We will continue to speak it in love. We will stand in the persecution and the prosecution. We will very probably lose our tax-exempt status when they use the IRS to force us. Some of us will go to jail. But we will not stop saying God loves everybody, the Bible says marriage is between a man and a woman. So whoever wants to take over for me for when I begin my prison ministry, you start studying now.
Matthew 19:4-6 (NLT)
4 “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’”
5 And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’
6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
Verse 5 says you’ve been joined to your spouse. The Greek word there is used to join two pieces of metal at the weld. Where two pieces of metal are welded together, that’s the word. In the literal translations, the word is “cleave.” Once these two pieces of metal are correctly welded together you cannot undo them at the weld. You can’t. You will make a mess if you try to pull those two pieces of metal apart at the weld. Two pieces of metal have been united into one. They are no longer two separate pieces of metal, they have become one. They cannot be separated without tremendous tearing and damage. If you have ever tried to pull two pieces of metal apart at the weld, it’s not possible.
Verse 6 says Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” That is God’s plan. That’s God’s plan. It is not “contextualized” is the word, meaning brought into our current culture, where God says, “Okay, well in your culture if you want to do it this way or that way or whatever you want to do it's okay.” It is a standalone plan. It has stood through the ages; it will continue to stand through the ages. Here’s the point. It’s that God made us to be married and to stay married. And I think that’s the thing that even Christians struggle with. Because what we have been told incorrectly is that God made us to be happy and stay happy. You have just got to add a few pages to the Bible to get that. God made us to be married and to stay married.
One of the greatest books I’ve ever read on marriage and one of the most difficult to read is called “Sacred Marriage.” And the subtitle is “What If God Is More Interested In Your Holiness Than Your Happiness?” You can imagine that is a little bit of a difficult book to read. God made us to be joined together and to stay joined together. And God made a way for us to be joined together and to stay joined together.
And here’s the big answer. All we have to do is surrender ourselves to God’s plan. All you have to do is believe and receive God’s plan. All we have to do is crucify our own plan. We crucify our own plan, we believe and receive God’s plan and we’ll stay married. That’s it.
So, here’s what I wanted to do in this message. Our marriage series, “God’s Design for Marriage” has twelve chapters. Every one of those chapters is designed to help you get ready to be married and keep you married. It’s designed to help you stay married. I wanted to focus on the one that was most appropriate for me after thirty-five years of marriage to my wife, in honor of Pam and what God has done in our marriage, I wanted to talk about our last chapter in the marriage series, “Romance and Loyalty.” Isn’t that good? That’s really where my heart is at.
“Romance and Loyalty.” So that’s what we’re going to talk about for just a few minutes. Stay with me. Enjoy it. Romance and loyalty are two of the critical parts of staying married. They are two of the critical requirements to stay married and they have the same underlying commitment. They have the same underlying foundation. This is what really strikes me for my marriage and for yours and for God’s design for marriage.
Here is the underlying commitment for romance and loyalty, staying married. It is an undying commitment to them. It is a continual, proactive, undying commitment to romance and loyalty. Now, in the beginning, romance is pretty easy. Men, that’s called lust, for you. Generally, for most women, the romance is pretty easy in the beginning. But to remain married there’s got to be an undying commitment to romance and also to loyalty. So let’s talk about each of them real briefly.
Romance. Let me clear up one thing right now because husbands I know what you are assuming what I mean by romance. So let me make it clear. Romance is not spelled s-e-x. That is the world’s depraving of your mind and your flesh. Romance involves sex; it absolutely does and praise God it does. But true romance starts way before that. True romance starts and lasts in the heart. True romance lives or dies in the heart. True romance goes so far beyond physical intimacy, though it includes physical intimacy, it starts in the heart and that’s where it dies. And I have seen it die so often. I’ve seen romance and loyalty die so often in people’s hearts that it’s scary, how often.
So let me tell you what the number one romance killer is. Sometimes the best way to describe what to do is to describe what not to do. Number one romance killer: A hard heart. Because romance is truly in your heart. And so many of us develop a hard heart that kills romance, that kills loyalty, that kills your marriage. A hard heart is the number one romance killer.
Can I just tell you that many of us have been living for years in our marriage in complete rebellion to God? Many Christians have been living for years in marriage in complete rebellion to God and against God in this area. You would say, “Certainly not. You can’t tell me I’ve been in rebellion to God in my marriage.”
Well, hold that thought for just a second because a hard heart is built with just another brick in the wall. You know that, right? What is that brick? What is that brick that builds up a wall of hardness in your heart? It’s unforgiveness. And every time you hold unforgiveness in your heart against your spouse, you take another brick and you put it in the wall between your heart and your spouse’s heart. And as you build up that wall of unforgiveness your heart becomes hard and that unforgiveness is in rebellion to God. It is a sin, and it will destroy your marriage because it destroys your romance and it destroys your loyalty, and will eventually destroy your marriage. Hear me please, holding on to unforgiveness leads to bitterness. Bitterness is a long-term result for unforgiveness. Holding on to bitterness ultimately turns into vengeance. Have you ever seen this?
Some of you may have grown up in it. You see vengeance in someone’s heart. That vengeance started as unforgiveness, turned into bitterness, and now that heart is vengeful against a spouse. And that marriage, if God doesn’t step in and bring serious transformation, that marriage is done.
Number one romance killer is a hard heart, when your heart becomes hard, romance dies, loyalty dies and your marriage dies.
What’s the secret? What’s the secret to keeping your heart soft towards your spouse? The secret is living constantly, continually in divine forgiveness. God has given you a non-stop grace flood of forgiveness. That’s why when Peter asked Jesus “How many times should I forgive my brother? Seven times?” And Jesus says, no. How about seventy times seven. You keep forgiving and keep forgiving and keep forgiving. Not that you can count to 490, it means you just continually forgive. It’s living in the constant flow of divine forgiveness. This is good for all of us in every relationship.
Ephesians 4:32 (NLT)
32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as (in the same proportion as) God through Christ has forgiven you.
Kind, tenderhearted, always forgiving, in the same way, and in the same extent as God through Christ has forgiven you. That’s what the last half of Matthew 18 teaches in a fabulous parable from Jesus. Here is this verse in the paraphrase The Message.
Ephesians 4:32 (MSG)
32 … Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.
How long did it take God to forgive you? As quick as you can snap your fingers. He actually provided for your forgiveness while you were his enemy. He died for you while you were his enemy. You didn’t receive the benefits of that until you received him by faith. But he actually paid the price to forgive you when you were spitting in his face. When you were nailing the nails in his hands. And Ephesians 4:32 says forgive your spouse the same way. As quickly and as thoroughly as God in Christ has forgiven you. Is it daily? It might be if you’re working through some stuff. Could be hourly, right? It could be just constantly. But we have got to learn to live in divine forgiveness. That’s God’s secret for not building a wall of bitterness in your marriage one brick at a time.
We’ve done a ton of messages on forgiveness, because divine forgiveness and that concept saved my life, literally. And has been kind of a theme in my ministry for two decades now, or more. The first message that I ever recorded and that I ever taught was on divine forgiveness and it’s still the most requested message that we have, next to the marriage messages. And so we have a lot of messages on forgiveness. Ask Pam at our WordByMail ministry table, she will get them together for you. You may need them all, just listen to those CD’s until they’re worn out and you can’t listen to them anymore.
If your heart has been hardened you need to break down that wall. Here’s what Proverbs 18:19 says about it:
Proverbs 18:19 (NLT)
19 An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city.
That’s you, offended. That’s you. You’re the offended friend you put your heart in a fortified city and you’re just like “talk to the hand.” It’s hard. The only way you’re going to allow your spouse back into that fortified hard heart is for you to embrace the supernatural, transformation of divine forgiveness. Let’s move on.
I’m going to blow your mind right here. If you just grasp this, it will be worth everything I just said. The real secret to lasting romance, I’m talking about what keeps a marriage good and healthy and strong, the real secret is living in your God-designed roles. It’s actually living in the role that God designed you to take. Is that a shock to anybody? Did you think I was going to say other stuff?
Living in the role that God designed you to live in is the secret to lasting romance. Let’s start with the wives because the Bible does. Here’s the most romantic thing you can do for your husband. Long-term, most romantic thing you can do for your husband is this: sacrificially support him. You thought I was going to say something about a red nightie, didn’t you? The most romantic thing you can do long-term for your husband is lay your life down to support him. Now you’ve got him forever.
Show him respect. I know he might not, or doesn’t really deserve it. But he needs it. He needs your respect, he needs you to appreciate him, he needs you to hold him up. He’s weak and he’s insecure. He needs you to hold him up, to strengthen him, to support him, to be there for him. He needs you to sacrificially support him. It is the most romantic thing you will ever do for him.
The world says the only thing that ever says romance to your husband is your body. That is not true. Yes there are certain things that you can do in that area that will keep a certain part of the romantic fire burning, and it’s great, it’s wonderful and I encourage it. But I promise you, purposefully and actively living in the role that God created you to live in is the secret to lasting romance. It is the secret. Here’s what 1 Peter 3:3 and 4 says:
1 Peter 3:3-4 (NLT)
3 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes
4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.
That’s God’s design. And that’s the way to keep the romantic fires burning past when the red nightie doesn’t fit anymore. True romance starts with the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that starts in your heart. Do the outward things, that’s all fun and that’s all good. But can I just give you a little hint, right now? Women, we’re talking about wives. A critical and judgmental spirit dressed up in a red nightie only lasts so long.
Here’s what Proverbs 27:15 says.
Proverbs 27:15 (NLT)
15 A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.
I’m not really sure what he’s getting at there. I’m sure it’s allegorical. And verse 16 says:
Proverbs 27:16 (NLT)
16 Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind…
That’s literal. Guys the Bible is clear. True romance is about your heart, the condition of your heart. It’s the unfading beauty that God wants to put in your heart and I promise you it shows by you living in this sacrificial role of supporting and encouraging and loving your husband. And helping him. That’s what makes you most beautiful and most romantic to your husband, I promise you.
Alright, men. It’s really all about sex. No, it’s not. Seriously, men, the most romantic thing you can do for your wife is to sacrificially love her. That’s it. That’s God’s design. Lay your life down for your wife. Quit being so self-focused and egotistical and all about you. The Bible says lay your life down for your wife. Sacrifice your life for your wife. It is sacrificial love.
So let me just connect the two real quick. Sacrificial support from your wife. Sacrificial love from you. You have a marriage as God designed it. What does sacrificial love look like? Well, it looks like Jesus. That’s it. All you got to do is love your wife like Christ loves the Church and she will be happy. Love her in tenderness. Love her in understanding. Love her in sacrifice. A wife who is continually being shown kindness and gentleness, genuine affection, and genuine sacrifice. That is a wife that feels the romance in a marriage. And, those are the things that actually lead to sex, believe it or not.
The world has really damaged us in that area. I mean drastically, man. Damaged us all. Men, especially, the world has damaged us because the world says be macho, give a wink and you’ll be in bed in ten seconds. You know it’s not true, right? Here’s how God says to do it, true and lasting romance. Again in 1 Peter 3:7, a couple verses down from the women’s role.
1 Peter 3:7 (NLT)
7 In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
I love the spiritual significance that God gives to men. First, he says love your wife as Christ loved the Church, and then he says; listen, if you’re not treating your wife like you’re supposed to you can “talk to the hand” because I’m not listening. Treat your wife as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. That’s pretty spiritual, right?
God’s role for husbands is to take great care of their wives. Honoring them above themselves. Treating them with understanding. Treating them with sacrifice. That’s the secret to lasting romance, and it’s the secret to having your prayers heard by God. How you treat your wife. Wow! That’s a big deal, right? So basically all I’ve said so far is if you want to stay married, do it God’s way. Get a hold of it and just do it that way.
Men. Lay your life down for your wife. Give her honor. Treat her with understanding. Treat her as you should. Wives. Have a gentle and quiet spirit. Just ask God to transform you in that, to sacrificially support your husband, to strengthen him, to help him. Husbands, love, honor, cherish, sacrificially your wife. And you’ll stay married. That’s it.
Your God-designed role requires total self-sacrifice. And for those of you who aren’t married and you’re wondering how this fits for you, all of Christianity requires complete sacrifice of self. That’s the Biblical truth that our culture doesn’t want to hear, that really we lay our lives down to follow Christ. We lay our lives down to stay married. We lay our lives down for our kids. That is all of Christianity, is that we lay our lives down. If you want to find your life, lose it. Lay it down. And it’s the greatest life you’ll ever live, and you’ll stay married.
Let’s talk a little bit about loyalty, and then I’ll be done. Since the ‘60’s the divorce rate has skyrocketed. Honestly, since 1964 when they took prayer out of school it’s like a downward spiral. It’s just phenomenal. 700% increase in divorce since the ’60s, half of all school-aged children come from broken homes, 50% outside the Church, 40% inside the Church will be divorced. Do you want to change that? Yes? Stay loyal to your spouse. That’s it. Isn’t God’s way simple? One hundred percent loyalty in every area in every time in every way. That’s how you stay married.
The world wants to destroy the loyalty in our lives, doesn’t it? I mean every commercial. I mean, somehow Carl’s Jr. thinks we have sex on the mind when we go get a cheeseburger. I mean, seriously, man! We don’t even realize how demented that is. Stay loyal to your spouse at all times in every way in all areas.
Let me give you the top two, my personal top two, emotional loyalty and mental loyalty.
Emotional loyalty means this: (listen please) no one of the opposite sex in your emotional life, period! Unless it’s your mother or father. Girls, you can share your emotions with your dad, or your husband. Men, you can share your emotions with your mother or your wife. That’s it. You do not share your emotional life with anyone else, but your spouse.
Emotional loyalty. Outside of your marriage, any friendships that have any kind of that emotional sharing have to be of the same sex. They have to be. If you’re going to share your emotions with anyone else it has to be with the same sex. Why? It’s because, at the precise moment that your spouse doesn’t understand you, the enemy is going to put someone of the opposite sex in front of you who fully understands you. “Oh, I understand you.” “AAAHHH! You’re from the devil!!”
Listen, the devil will put someone in your life who says, “Oh, tell me about it. Oh yeah, you have it so hard. I understand. Tell me. Tell me about your struggles. Oh, there, there.” You’re on a slippery slope to divorce right there, put an attorney on retainer because you’re headed there.
No emotional sharing of your heart with anyone else but your spouse. Period. Emotional disloyalty is very often the beginning of marriage downfall. Very often. That’s why so many affairs are at work, or in the ministry, or somewhere else where people are stupid enough to think that it’s okay to share your heart with someone else besides your wife. You don’t do that. Sharing your struggles and your emotions and your hurts with your wife, that’s romance. Hello? That’s romance when you sit together and you share the deepest parts of who you are. You do that with someone else… and I guess I already told you what happens.
Second critical area is mental or for our culture, visual, disloyalty. We have got to keep our minds loyal to our spouse. At first, I said we have got to keep our hearts, our emotions and now we have to keep our minds loyal to our spouse at all times. And I mean, in our culture, fiercely loyal. I mean to the death, live or die battle. We must keep our minds loyal to our wives. When is it most important to be loyal to your spouse? When you’re not with them! It’s real easy sitting in church next to your spouse and be loyal. But that world is ugly. And it wants to destroy your marriage. And the power behind it wants to use your mind to get you so dysfunctional that you can’t stay in romantic loyalty with your spouse.
So, men, you might have seen this coming, if you’re looking at pornography, number one, you’re an idiot. Number two, you’re probably addicted. And number three, if you don’t do something about it, it will destroy your life. It will destroy your life! Do you think that is from God? Do you think that there is no victim? What is it that you think? I’m telling you what you think. You think LUST. It will destroy your life. (I’m being a little serious, aren’t I?) Jesus says you’re committing adultery, by the way. So, you know you’ve got that to deal with. If you’ve tried to stop and can’t, that means you’re addicted. Deal with it. Deal with it harshly. With extreme prejudice. It means throw stuff out, confess it, and get an accountability partner, get radical, man. You are dying. Every click of the mouse, every tap of the phone. Hey wives. Men are looking at porn on their phones. Don’t be ignorant. Pick up his phone, demand the password, and look through it.
I’m just getting downright rough, aren’t I? Listen, I want to be married another 35 years.
Listen, quit it! Just stop it! Porn kills. It kills, it’s gonna kill your marriage. You’re like “Oh yeah, this is worth it. I’m gonna lose my marriage. I’m gonna lose my kids. And I’m gonna be alone. I’m gonna be depressed and lonely. But oh yeah, this picture is worth all that.” Men, count the cost and make a choice, and do something about it. It is the black plague of America’s culture, of the world’s culture really. It’s the black plague in the Church in America.
Mental disloyalty is not just a man thing. It’s a woman thing too. And more and more women are getting drawn into porn and that’s really sad, but where they really are is in inappropriate internet relationships. Facebook relationships. “I know he was my boyfriend in high school, but I’m just saying hi to him. Oh, he wants me to meet him at the park. Oh, I’m in his car. Oh, I’m an idiot too.” Now I’ve offended everybody. Women, Facebook is dangerous for you because you want a meaningful relationship, and if your husband’s a jerk and he’s not giving you a meaningful relationship you’re going to try to get it on Facebook, or some other internet “thing.” Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Go to counseling. Get your husband to understand. Get a meaningful relationship with your husband, not your pinhead boyfriend from high school on Facebook.
Let’s wrap up. The devil’s primary tactic, mental disloyalty, followed by emotional disloyalty, mind disloyalty, heart disloyalty, physical disloyalty, marriage destruction. Mental disloyalty, emotional disloyalty, physical disloyalty, marriage destruction.
I’m going to say this gently: some of you are in relationships right now that you need to severe today. Today. You need to leave this place and tell that person, “I can never communicate with you again.” Quit your job. Leave the ministry. Move. It doesn’t matter. Do what you have to do. Your marriage is worth it.
Be loyal to your spouse. Keep romance going. Be loyal. Here’s the last secret. Three-dimensional oneness. (I did all the negatives, now I am going to do the positives.) Number one, you have to work at being physically one, it doesn’t mean sex. It means being together physically; doing stuff together, have some fun together. “We do. We sit on the couch and share the remote, every night.” No, do something else.
Number two. Emotional oneness. You have to share what you’re feeling, you have to share. You know what? I’m not a real talker. I don’t talk much. Right babe? And Pam will talk for half an hour and in my mind, I’m thinking through stuff. In my mind I’m like, processing. But I forget sometimes to talk. I tell myself I have to share what’s in my mind. I have to share what’s in my heart. We have to share that emotional oneness.
Number three, most importantly, spiritual oneness. The height of unity is spiritual oneness. Spiritual oneness involves seeking God together, serving him together, praying together, absorbing God’s Word together, following Jesus together. That’s the secret weapon for staying married. Spiritual oneness.
That was a quick review of three-dimensional oneness. Physical, emotional, and spiritual.
Surveys say those who are following the Lord together, and serving the Lord together, especially praying and reading the Word together every day, divorce at the rate of one-tenth of one percent. Those who go to church together divorce at the rate of 40%. Those who are genuinely seeking God together in prayer and in his Word divorce at the rate of one-tenth of one percent. You choose.
Commit to God’s design. Live in God’s role. Work on three-dimensional oneness. Keep the romance going. Stay fiercely loyal at all costs, and you’ll stay married. And thirty-five, I’m so blessed. But if the Lord tarries, fifty would be better, babe.
I do have to give a PG13 alert. Marriage involves the s-e-x word. I will be referring to that today, but genuinely, it’s going to be light. Like PG13. I mean, trust me, what was on TV last night was a hundred times worse than anything I’m going to be talking about this message. If you would rather not have your child hear that word or any comments about that subject, now is the time to slip out.
You know, I’ve heard pastors in their thirties (because marriage is a big subject to teach on. There are two subjects people like to hear about, marriage and end times) married perhaps five years, with a six-month-old baby preach on how to stay married. Or how to raise your children in the Lord.
So, after thirty-five and three God-fearing, Christ-following, sold-out disciples for children, I figure it’s finally time. That I can say, “listen. I’ve actually been through it.” And I can speak from experience. Know that much of what I say is from experience. Again, I know many of you aren’t married, it’s okay. Stay listening and say, “God, how does this apply? How will it apply in my life?”
So the other thing I realize, as I talk about how to stay married, is I realize that a lot of you have been divorced. Statistics say that fifty percent outside the church and forty percent inside the church have been divorced. Forty percent. Another thing that stupid young pastors say is “I’ve never had anybody that I’ve married get divorced.”
“Really? How long have you been marrying people?”
“Eight months.”
Okay, well, get back to me. I don’t remember counting my second one, but when my first couple I married got divorced, it blew my mind. It was like, “Lord, I told them. What did I do wrong?” Forty percent of the marriages in this room either have gone through divorce or will. That’s bad. So, if you have gone through divorce, please hear me, God can handle it. God can forgive and he can restore. And so if you have been divorced I pray that you have fully sought at and received both God’s forgiveness and his restoration. He has it for you. In fact, if you have never been divorced, no matter what your stage or situation in life is, I pray that you have sought out and received God’s forgiveness and his restoration because you who have not been divorced need it just as bad as you who have been divorced. And so for all of us, my prayer is that we have sought out and received God’s forgiveness and restoration. Someday I’ll do a divorce recovery, healing message. For this message, it’s “How To Stay Married” in honor of my thirty-fifth wedding anniversary.
Matthew chapter 19 is where we are at. Jesus had just left Galilee for the last time. I mean, it gets hardcore starting in chapter 16 of Matthew. And Peter’s confession, and the transfiguration in 17 and then in Matthew 18 at the end is the famous forgiveness test. I think it’s very cool that possibly the greatest text on forgiveness is just prior to the text we are going to read on marriage. Do you see the connection there? If you’ve been married more than a year, you need to see the connection. So, divine forgiveness at the end of chapter 18. Marriage at the beginning of chapter 19. That’s where we’re at.
Jesus had left the North. He had come down on his way to Jerusalem for the Triumphal Entry, chapter 21 he’ll be riding through the Eastern Gate for the Triumphal Entry. Right now he is around Judea on the other side of the Jordan, teaching as he is moving toward Jerusalem, and the Pharisees are doing what they’re supposed to do. They’re trying to trap him. They are being religious idiots. Perhaps you have run into a few yourselves, there are plenty of Pharisees still among us today. (I read this book; in fact, all the leaders read this book, called “Confessions of a Recovering Pharisee.” And it was for pastors, recognizing we all have that tendency.)
The Pharisees were chasing Jesus around. And so, they try to trap him in the beginning of chapter 19 about marriage. Now, you’re going to think this text is about divorce. No! This text is not about divorce. This text is about staying married. Jesus in this text in Matthew 19 is not giving us a loophole to get divorced. This is how you stay married; this is why you stay married. That’s his real point, in Matthew 19.
Matthew 19:1-4 (NLT)
1 When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went down to the region of Judea east of the Jordan River.
2 Large crowds followed him there, and he healed their sick.
3 Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?”
4 “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’”
Now you might think, “Hey Dave. You should probably stop right there and talk about that.” Okay… I will. Speaking of marriage, the first thing Jesus says in this text that is challenged about marriage is from the beginning. That’s not from the beginning of this current Supreme Court session. It’s from the beginning; Genesis chapters 1 and 2. From the beginning, God made them (speaking of marriage) male and female.
I just read a news article day before yesterday by chance; my son pointed it out to me. An article about a man who is suing two of the major Bible publishers for 70 million dollars for printing anti-gay material in the Bible. I want you to know if that case gets to this Supreme Court we know for a fact that they will try to force the Bible publishers to rewrite the Bible. We know they will because they’re rewriting our culture now. 70 million dollar lawsuit against two of the largest Bible publishers and it’s moving ahead for publishing anti-gay material. Can I tell you something right now? God is not anti-gay, not for a second. God is anti-sin. He loves all sinners no matter what type of sinful activity they are involved in.
So, in 30 AD, Jesus says, in love, from the beginning regarding marriage, it was for a man and a woman, male and female. He said it in love. We will continue to say it in love. Please hear me. We will continue to say what the Bible says in love. We are preparing for both civil and criminal persecution and potentially prosecution for speaking the Word of God in love. We will continue to speak it in love. We will stand in the persecution and the prosecution. We will very probably lose our tax-exempt status when they use the IRS to force us. Some of us will go to jail. But we will not stop saying God loves everybody, the Bible says marriage is between a man and a woman. So whoever wants to take over for me for when I begin my prison ministry, you start studying now.
Matthew 19:4-6 (NLT)
4 “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’”
5 And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’
6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
Verse 5 says you’ve been joined to your spouse. The Greek word there is used to join two pieces of metal at the weld. Where two pieces of metal are welded together, that’s the word. In the literal translations, the word is “cleave.” Once these two pieces of metal are correctly welded together you cannot undo them at the weld. You can’t. You will make a mess if you try to pull those two pieces of metal apart at the weld. Two pieces of metal have been united into one. They are no longer two separate pieces of metal, they have become one. They cannot be separated without tremendous tearing and damage. If you have ever tried to pull two pieces of metal apart at the weld, it’s not possible.
Verse 6 says Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” That is God’s plan. That’s God’s plan. It is not “contextualized” is the word, meaning brought into our current culture, where God says, “Okay, well in your culture if you want to do it this way or that way or whatever you want to do it's okay.” It is a standalone plan. It has stood through the ages; it will continue to stand through the ages. Here’s the point. It’s that God made us to be married and to stay married. And I think that’s the thing that even Christians struggle with. Because what we have been told incorrectly is that God made us to be happy and stay happy. You have just got to add a few pages to the Bible to get that. God made us to be married and to stay married.
One of the greatest books I’ve ever read on marriage and one of the most difficult to read is called “Sacred Marriage.” And the subtitle is “What If God Is More Interested In Your Holiness Than Your Happiness?” You can imagine that is a little bit of a difficult book to read. God made us to be joined together and to stay joined together. And God made a way for us to be joined together and to stay joined together.
And here’s the big answer. All we have to do is surrender ourselves to God’s plan. All you have to do is believe and receive God’s plan. All we have to do is crucify our own plan. We crucify our own plan, we believe and receive God’s plan and we’ll stay married. That’s it.
So, here’s what I wanted to do in this message. Our marriage series, “God’s Design for Marriage” has twelve chapters. Every one of those chapters is designed to help you get ready to be married and keep you married. It’s designed to help you stay married. I wanted to focus on the one that was most appropriate for me after thirty-five years of marriage to my wife, in honor of Pam and what God has done in our marriage, I wanted to talk about our last chapter in the marriage series, “Romance and Loyalty.” Isn’t that good? That’s really where my heart is at.
“Romance and Loyalty.” So that’s what we’re going to talk about for just a few minutes. Stay with me. Enjoy it. Romance and loyalty are two of the critical parts of staying married. They are two of the critical requirements to stay married and they have the same underlying commitment. They have the same underlying foundation. This is what really strikes me for my marriage and for yours and for God’s design for marriage.
Here is the underlying commitment for romance and loyalty, staying married. It is an undying commitment to them. It is a continual, proactive, undying commitment to romance and loyalty. Now, in the beginning, romance is pretty easy. Men, that’s called lust, for you. Generally, for most women, the romance is pretty easy in the beginning. But to remain married there’s got to be an undying commitment to romance and also to loyalty. So let’s talk about each of them real briefly.
Romance. Let me clear up one thing right now because husbands I know what you are assuming what I mean by romance. So let me make it clear. Romance is not spelled s-e-x. That is the world’s depraving of your mind and your flesh. Romance involves sex; it absolutely does and praise God it does. But true romance starts way before that. True romance starts and lasts in the heart. True romance lives or dies in the heart. True romance goes so far beyond physical intimacy, though it includes physical intimacy, it starts in the heart and that’s where it dies. And I have seen it die so often. I’ve seen romance and loyalty die so often in people’s hearts that it’s scary, how often.
So let me tell you what the number one romance killer is. Sometimes the best way to describe what to do is to describe what not to do. Number one romance killer: A hard heart. Because romance is truly in your heart. And so many of us develop a hard heart that kills romance, that kills loyalty, that kills your marriage. A hard heart is the number one romance killer.
Can I just tell you that many of us have been living for years in our marriage in complete rebellion to God? Many Christians have been living for years in marriage in complete rebellion to God and against God in this area. You would say, “Certainly not. You can’t tell me I’ve been in rebellion to God in my marriage.”
Well, hold that thought for just a second because a hard heart is built with just another brick in the wall. You know that, right? What is that brick? What is that brick that builds up a wall of hardness in your heart? It’s unforgiveness. And every time you hold unforgiveness in your heart against your spouse, you take another brick and you put it in the wall between your heart and your spouse’s heart. And as you build up that wall of unforgiveness your heart becomes hard and that unforgiveness is in rebellion to God. It is a sin, and it will destroy your marriage because it destroys your romance and it destroys your loyalty, and will eventually destroy your marriage. Hear me please, holding on to unforgiveness leads to bitterness. Bitterness is a long-term result for unforgiveness. Holding on to bitterness ultimately turns into vengeance. Have you ever seen this?
Some of you may have grown up in it. You see vengeance in someone’s heart. That vengeance started as unforgiveness, turned into bitterness, and now that heart is vengeful against a spouse. And that marriage, if God doesn’t step in and bring serious transformation, that marriage is done.
Number one romance killer is a hard heart, when your heart becomes hard, romance dies, loyalty dies and your marriage dies.
What’s the secret? What’s the secret to keeping your heart soft towards your spouse? The secret is living constantly, continually in divine forgiveness. God has given you a non-stop grace flood of forgiveness. That’s why when Peter asked Jesus “How many times should I forgive my brother? Seven times?” And Jesus says, no. How about seventy times seven. You keep forgiving and keep forgiving and keep forgiving. Not that you can count to 490, it means you just continually forgive. It’s living in the constant flow of divine forgiveness. This is good for all of us in every relationship.
Ephesians 4:32 (NLT)
32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as (in the same proportion as) God through Christ has forgiven you.
Kind, tenderhearted, always forgiving, in the same way, and in the same extent as God through Christ has forgiven you. That’s what the last half of Matthew 18 teaches in a fabulous parable from Jesus. Here is this verse in the paraphrase The Message.
Ephesians 4:32 (MSG)
32 … Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.
How long did it take God to forgive you? As quick as you can snap your fingers. He actually provided for your forgiveness while you were his enemy. He died for you while you were his enemy. You didn’t receive the benefits of that until you received him by faith. But he actually paid the price to forgive you when you were spitting in his face. When you were nailing the nails in his hands. And Ephesians 4:32 says forgive your spouse the same way. As quickly and as thoroughly as God in Christ has forgiven you. Is it daily? It might be if you’re working through some stuff. Could be hourly, right? It could be just constantly. But we have got to learn to live in divine forgiveness. That’s God’s secret for not building a wall of bitterness in your marriage one brick at a time.
We’ve done a ton of messages on forgiveness, because divine forgiveness and that concept saved my life, literally. And has been kind of a theme in my ministry for two decades now, or more. The first message that I ever recorded and that I ever taught was on divine forgiveness and it’s still the most requested message that we have, next to the marriage messages. And so we have a lot of messages on forgiveness. Ask Pam at our WordByMail ministry table, she will get them together for you. You may need them all, just listen to those CD’s until they’re worn out and you can’t listen to them anymore.
If your heart has been hardened you need to break down that wall. Here’s what Proverbs 18:19 says about it:
Proverbs 18:19 (NLT)
19 An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city.
That’s you, offended. That’s you. You’re the offended friend you put your heart in a fortified city and you’re just like “talk to the hand.” It’s hard. The only way you’re going to allow your spouse back into that fortified hard heart is for you to embrace the supernatural, transformation of divine forgiveness. Let’s move on.
I’m going to blow your mind right here. If you just grasp this, it will be worth everything I just said. The real secret to lasting romance, I’m talking about what keeps a marriage good and healthy and strong, the real secret is living in your God-designed roles. It’s actually living in the role that God designed you to take. Is that a shock to anybody? Did you think I was going to say other stuff?
Living in the role that God designed you to live in is the secret to lasting romance. Let’s start with the wives because the Bible does. Here’s the most romantic thing you can do for your husband. Long-term, most romantic thing you can do for your husband is this: sacrificially support him. You thought I was going to say something about a red nightie, didn’t you? The most romantic thing you can do long-term for your husband is lay your life down to support him. Now you’ve got him forever.
Show him respect. I know he might not, or doesn’t really deserve it. But he needs it. He needs your respect, he needs you to appreciate him, he needs you to hold him up. He’s weak and he’s insecure. He needs you to hold him up, to strengthen him, to support him, to be there for him. He needs you to sacrificially support him. It is the most romantic thing you will ever do for him.
The world says the only thing that ever says romance to your husband is your body. That is not true. Yes there are certain things that you can do in that area that will keep a certain part of the romantic fire burning, and it’s great, it’s wonderful and I encourage it. But I promise you, purposefully and actively living in the role that God created you to live in is the secret to lasting romance. It is the secret. Here’s what 1 Peter 3:3 and 4 says:
1 Peter 3:3-4 (NLT)
3 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes
4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.
That’s God’s design. And that’s the way to keep the romantic fires burning past when the red nightie doesn’t fit anymore. True romance starts with the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that starts in your heart. Do the outward things, that’s all fun and that’s all good. But can I just give you a little hint, right now? Women, we’re talking about wives. A critical and judgmental spirit dressed up in a red nightie only lasts so long.
Here’s what Proverbs 27:15 says.
Proverbs 27:15 (NLT)
15 A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.
I’m not really sure what he’s getting at there. I’m sure it’s allegorical. And verse 16 says:
Proverbs 27:16 (NLT)
16 Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind…
That’s literal. Guys the Bible is clear. True romance is about your heart, the condition of your heart. It’s the unfading beauty that God wants to put in your heart and I promise you it shows by you living in this sacrificial role of supporting and encouraging and loving your husband. And helping him. That’s what makes you most beautiful and most romantic to your husband, I promise you.
Alright, men. It’s really all about sex. No, it’s not. Seriously, men, the most romantic thing you can do for your wife is to sacrificially love her. That’s it. That’s God’s design. Lay your life down for your wife. Quit being so self-focused and egotistical and all about you. The Bible says lay your life down for your wife. Sacrifice your life for your wife. It is sacrificial love.
So let me just connect the two real quick. Sacrificial support from your wife. Sacrificial love from you. You have a marriage as God designed it. What does sacrificial love look like? Well, it looks like Jesus. That’s it. All you got to do is love your wife like Christ loves the Church and she will be happy. Love her in tenderness. Love her in understanding. Love her in sacrifice. A wife who is continually being shown kindness and gentleness, genuine affection, and genuine sacrifice. That is a wife that feels the romance in a marriage. And, those are the things that actually lead to sex, believe it or not.
The world has really damaged us in that area. I mean drastically, man. Damaged us all. Men, especially, the world has damaged us because the world says be macho, give a wink and you’ll be in bed in ten seconds. You know it’s not true, right? Here’s how God says to do it, true and lasting romance. Again in 1 Peter 3:7, a couple verses down from the women’s role.
1 Peter 3:7 (NLT)
7 In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.
I love the spiritual significance that God gives to men. First, he says love your wife as Christ loved the Church, and then he says; listen, if you’re not treating your wife like you’re supposed to you can “talk to the hand” because I’m not listening. Treat your wife as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. That’s pretty spiritual, right?
God’s role for husbands is to take great care of their wives. Honoring them above themselves. Treating them with understanding. Treating them with sacrifice. That’s the secret to lasting romance, and it’s the secret to having your prayers heard by God. How you treat your wife. Wow! That’s a big deal, right? So basically all I’ve said so far is if you want to stay married, do it God’s way. Get a hold of it and just do it that way.
Men. Lay your life down for your wife. Give her honor. Treat her with understanding. Treat her as you should. Wives. Have a gentle and quiet spirit. Just ask God to transform you in that, to sacrificially support your husband, to strengthen him, to help him. Husbands, love, honor, cherish, sacrificially your wife. And you’ll stay married. That’s it.
Your God-designed role requires total self-sacrifice. And for those of you who aren’t married and you’re wondering how this fits for you, all of Christianity requires complete sacrifice of self. That’s the Biblical truth that our culture doesn’t want to hear, that really we lay our lives down to follow Christ. We lay our lives down to stay married. We lay our lives down for our kids. That is all of Christianity, is that we lay our lives down. If you want to find your life, lose it. Lay it down. And it’s the greatest life you’ll ever live, and you’ll stay married.
Let’s talk a little bit about loyalty, and then I’ll be done. Since the ‘60’s the divorce rate has skyrocketed. Honestly, since 1964 when they took prayer out of school it’s like a downward spiral. It’s just phenomenal. 700% increase in divorce since the ’60s, half of all school-aged children come from broken homes, 50% outside the Church, 40% inside the Church will be divorced. Do you want to change that? Yes? Stay loyal to your spouse. That’s it. Isn’t God’s way simple? One hundred percent loyalty in every area in every time in every way. That’s how you stay married.
The world wants to destroy the loyalty in our lives, doesn’t it? I mean every commercial. I mean, somehow Carl’s Jr. thinks we have sex on the mind when we go get a cheeseburger. I mean, seriously, man! We don’t even realize how demented that is. Stay loyal to your spouse at all times in every way in all areas.
Let me give you the top two, my personal top two, emotional loyalty and mental loyalty.
Emotional loyalty means this: (listen please) no one of the opposite sex in your emotional life, period! Unless it’s your mother or father. Girls, you can share your emotions with your dad, or your husband. Men, you can share your emotions with your mother or your wife. That’s it. You do not share your emotional life with anyone else, but your spouse.
Emotional loyalty. Outside of your marriage, any friendships that have any kind of that emotional sharing have to be of the same sex. They have to be. If you’re going to share your emotions with anyone else it has to be with the same sex. Why? It’s because, at the precise moment that your spouse doesn’t understand you, the enemy is going to put someone of the opposite sex in front of you who fully understands you. “Oh, I understand you.” “AAAHHH! You’re from the devil!!”
Listen, the devil will put someone in your life who says, “Oh, tell me about it. Oh yeah, you have it so hard. I understand. Tell me. Tell me about your struggles. Oh, there, there.” You’re on a slippery slope to divorce right there, put an attorney on retainer because you’re headed there.
No emotional sharing of your heart with anyone else but your spouse. Period. Emotional disloyalty is very often the beginning of marriage downfall. Very often. That’s why so many affairs are at work, or in the ministry, or somewhere else where people are stupid enough to think that it’s okay to share your heart with someone else besides your wife. You don’t do that. Sharing your struggles and your emotions and your hurts with your wife, that’s romance. Hello? That’s romance when you sit together and you share the deepest parts of who you are. You do that with someone else… and I guess I already told you what happens.
Second critical area is mental or for our culture, visual, disloyalty. We have got to keep our minds loyal to our spouse. At first, I said we have got to keep our hearts, our emotions and now we have to keep our minds loyal to our spouse at all times. And I mean, in our culture, fiercely loyal. I mean to the death, live or die battle. We must keep our minds loyal to our wives. When is it most important to be loyal to your spouse? When you’re not with them! It’s real easy sitting in church next to your spouse and be loyal. But that world is ugly. And it wants to destroy your marriage. And the power behind it wants to use your mind to get you so dysfunctional that you can’t stay in romantic loyalty with your spouse.
So, men, you might have seen this coming, if you’re looking at pornography, number one, you’re an idiot. Number two, you’re probably addicted. And number three, if you don’t do something about it, it will destroy your life. It will destroy your life! Do you think that is from God? Do you think that there is no victim? What is it that you think? I’m telling you what you think. You think LUST. It will destroy your life. (I’m being a little serious, aren’t I?) Jesus says you’re committing adultery, by the way. So, you know you’ve got that to deal with. If you’ve tried to stop and can’t, that means you’re addicted. Deal with it. Deal with it harshly. With extreme prejudice. It means throw stuff out, confess it, and get an accountability partner, get radical, man. You are dying. Every click of the mouse, every tap of the phone. Hey wives. Men are looking at porn on their phones. Don’t be ignorant. Pick up his phone, demand the password, and look through it.
I’m just getting downright rough, aren’t I? Listen, I want to be married another 35 years.
Listen, quit it! Just stop it! Porn kills. It kills, it’s gonna kill your marriage. You’re like “Oh yeah, this is worth it. I’m gonna lose my marriage. I’m gonna lose my kids. And I’m gonna be alone. I’m gonna be depressed and lonely. But oh yeah, this picture is worth all that.” Men, count the cost and make a choice, and do something about it. It is the black plague of America’s culture, of the world’s culture really. It’s the black plague in the Church in America.
Mental disloyalty is not just a man thing. It’s a woman thing too. And more and more women are getting drawn into porn and that’s really sad, but where they really are is in inappropriate internet relationships. Facebook relationships. “I know he was my boyfriend in high school, but I’m just saying hi to him. Oh, he wants me to meet him at the park. Oh, I’m in his car. Oh, I’m an idiot too.” Now I’ve offended everybody. Women, Facebook is dangerous for you because you want a meaningful relationship, and if your husband’s a jerk and he’s not giving you a meaningful relationship you’re going to try to get it on Facebook, or some other internet “thing.” Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Go to counseling. Get your husband to understand. Get a meaningful relationship with your husband, not your pinhead boyfriend from high school on Facebook.
Let’s wrap up. The devil’s primary tactic, mental disloyalty, followed by emotional disloyalty, mind disloyalty, heart disloyalty, physical disloyalty, marriage destruction. Mental disloyalty, emotional disloyalty, physical disloyalty, marriage destruction.
I’m going to say this gently: some of you are in relationships right now that you need to severe today. Today. You need to leave this place and tell that person, “I can never communicate with you again.” Quit your job. Leave the ministry. Move. It doesn’t matter. Do what you have to do. Your marriage is worth it.
Be loyal to your spouse. Keep romance going. Be loyal. Here’s the last secret. Three-dimensional oneness. (I did all the negatives, now I am going to do the positives.) Number one, you have to work at being physically one, it doesn’t mean sex. It means being together physically; doing stuff together, have some fun together. “We do. We sit on the couch and share the remote, every night.” No, do something else.
Number two. Emotional oneness. You have to share what you’re feeling, you have to share. You know what? I’m not a real talker. I don’t talk much. Right babe? And Pam will talk for half an hour and in my mind, I’m thinking through stuff. In my mind I’m like, processing. But I forget sometimes to talk. I tell myself I have to share what’s in my mind. I have to share what’s in my heart. We have to share that emotional oneness.
Number three, most importantly, spiritual oneness. The height of unity is spiritual oneness. Spiritual oneness involves seeking God together, serving him together, praying together, absorbing God’s Word together, following Jesus together. That’s the secret weapon for staying married. Spiritual oneness.
That was a quick review of three-dimensional oneness. Physical, emotional, and spiritual.
Surveys say those who are following the Lord together, and serving the Lord together, especially praying and reading the Word together every day, divorce at the rate of one-tenth of one percent. Those who go to church together divorce at the rate of 40%. Those who are genuinely seeking God together in prayer and in his Word divorce at the rate of one-tenth of one percent. You choose.
Commit to God’s design. Live in God’s role. Work on three-dimensional oneness. Keep the romance going. Stay fiercely loyal at all costs, and you’ll stay married. And thirty-five, I’m so blessed. But if the Lord tarries, fifty would be better, babe.