The Role of The Wife
Session 7
Chapter 7
The Role of The Wife
Pastor Dave Shepardson, wordbymail.com
Welcome back to God’s Design for Marriage - Session 7
Today, we begin talking about ROLES in Marriage – we’re going to look at the wife’s role, and then the husband’s role. Then we will look at how we can live in our roles.
I think the most important thing we can do before discussing roles is to decide “from what source” we take our direction. Where you get your information impacts how you feel, and we have basically three choices for where we get our definition – and what our opinion is INFLUENCED by – when it comes to roles in our marriage.
Our role definitions - and opinion – is normally influenced by the World - and/or the Church - and/or the Bible. If we put it on a scale, it would look something like this: World____C_H_U_R_C_H____Bible
The world puts our role way on one end of the scale, the Bible puts our role way on the other end of the scale, and the Church has become “spread out” somewhere between the world and the Bible.
When Christians discuss this subject, why is it so often we find ourselves on some sliding scale, trying to fit in somewhere between what the world says and what the Bible says?
Even good solid Christians who accept the Bible as the Word of God - When this subject comes along, they often get their feathers ruffled and start explaining why they disagree with God’s Word in this area.
Often, Christians may be hesitant to dig deep into God’s Word on this subject because we really want to stay on that sliding scale somewhere between the world and the Bible - and this is true for the roles of both husband and wife.
But guys, we’ve got to be willing to TRUST God’s Word – in every area of our Lives - And I promise you, it is our flesh nature - in both husbands and wives - that begins to “RECOIL” when we consider TRUSTING God’s Word about our roles in Marriage.
If we want to experience God’s blessings in our marriage, we’ve got to be willing to TRUST God’s Word about roles by faith, relying on the Holy Spirit to bring about God’s design for our marriage.
Wives, where you get your information and opinions - and where you go – to get your answer to the question: "What is your God-designed role in your marriage?" determines whether you will TRUST God’s design or superficially acknowledge God’s design but then do whatever you think is right in your marriage.
Where do you look to get your information and opinions – to the WORLD – to The BIBLE – or SPREAD OUT somewhere in between?
Speaking of sources for information, I used three sources to prepare this message: Sandy Macintosh, Nancy Missler, and Kay Arthur, all from teachings called “For Women Only” by The Word for Today.
So – Let’s start back in Genesis Chapter 1.
Genesis 1:26–27 (NLT)
26 Then God said, “Let us make human beings (mankind) in our image, to be like us . . .
27 So God created human beings (mankind) in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
To understand our roles, we first have to understand our complete equality, and we begin to understand our complete equality here in verse 27. First, verse 27 says that mankind was made in the IMAGE of God, and then do you see in verse 27 that God created mankind “One” made out of “Two?”
We are created in the image of God, which means a number of very incredible things. But the one “In the image of God” trait I really want you to see is that we are one flesh made up of two distinct persons in a similar way that God is one made up of three distinct persons. We’ll return to this in just a minute.
But first – let’s look again at Genesis 2:18, where for the first time in the creation account, God said, “It is not good.”
Gen 2:18 (NLT)
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”
We looked at this verse in our second message, “Creating a Husband and a Wife.” But in that message, we were focused on the words “just right.” Now, we are going back to look at the word “HELPER.”
Remember, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” because God was not finished creating mankind. And so, to finish God’s complete design of mankind, He said, “I will make him a helper comparable to him.” And God designed woman as a “helper just right for Adam” to complete his design of mankind.
Now - Going back to the Trinity - In the Godhead - is there one whose role is to be the helper? Don’t we even call one member of the Trinity “The Helper?” So, the question is - are we demeaning that person of the Godhead? Are we insinuating that the role of helper in the Godhead has less value than the other TWO members of the Godhead? Do you think the Holy Spirit feels insulted or slighted by his role as The Helper?
Then why do some of us “bristle up” at the term “Helper”? The ANSWER is: Because of our sin nature. In fact, this struggle is actually part of the curse of the “Fall.”
In Genesis 3:16, when God was spelling out the consequences of the fall, he said to the woman:
Genesis 3:16 (NLT)
16 . . . And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”
We need to understand it is our sin nature (our self-will) that causes us to bristle up at this word. So - Let’s look closely at this word “helper” in Genesis 2:18.
Genesis 2:18 (NLT)
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”
The Hebrew word for “helper” is `ezer (ay-zer) – It means: “to help.” - It is used 21 times in the Old Testament.
5 TIMES it is used to refer to PEOPLE (including here in Genesis 2:18)
16 TIMES it is used to refer to God, and most often, it refers to the person of The Holy Spirit.
This word is used to define God’s role three times more often than it is used to define mankind’s role to one another. Yet because of our sin nature and because of the world’s influence - we think somehow it’s a demeaning term! – I think that may be an insult to God.
Look at this role definition in John 14:16, where Jesus promises to send the Holy Spirit.
John 14:16 (ESV)
16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever,
The Greek here is - “Allos Parakletos” – And it means “One of the same Kind and Quality Who is CALLED alongside to help.”
The helper is totally and completely EQUAL in the Godhead. He is GOD – The Holy Spirit is God – He is “One of the same Kind and Quality AS GOD – whose role is - to HELP.” That’s how God Himself is designed, and that’s how God DESIGNED a husband and wife, perfectly equal - with different roles - just like the Godhead.
Remember, back in Genesis 2:18, the words “Just right” (NLT) or “Fit for him” (ESV) mean “according to the opposite.” In our second session, we discussed how God made a husband and wife to fit together. Part of how God made a husband and wife fit together is by designing the husband to SACRIFICIALLY lead (which we will look at next session) and by designing the wife to SACRIFICIALLY support (help).
God made two opposites that make one when put together correctly. It is impossible for God’s design for marriage to be fulfilled without the wife taking on her role as “helper.” It would be like the Church trying to accomplish God’s purposes without the Holy Spirit’s power, strength and help .
So - we’ve got to bring God’s design of the wife’s role from Genesis 2 as we head over to the infamous verse, Ephesians 5:22, and IF we will approach Ephesians 5:22 with God’s Genesis 2 design fresh in our mind, then prayerfully – we will see this scripture in the proper CONTEXT and from the right PERSPECTIVE.
Ephesians 5:21–22 (NLT)
21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
Verse 21 is the GREATER SENSE of “submit,” as in EMPTYING ourselves to COME UNDERNEATH and ESTEEM the other HIGHER than ourselves – which BOTH Husband and Wife are called to do.
Verse 22 is the LESSER SENSE of “submit” – and refers to ORDER and FUNCTIONALITY in the Family. This statement of order and functionality in a marriage relationship comes directly from the roles God designed. But - some women really rebel against this - why? Because our sin nature wants us to be in charge. Because our sin nature says, WHAT ABOUT ME? And that’s been true since the fall of mankind in the garden.
But - the most common definition of the word submit in this sense is: “to align or arrange under,” and it refers to order and functionality. In our last message, “The ‘S’ Word is for Everyone” - we dealt with submitting TO ONE ANOTHER in the GREATER SENSE of submission. But – in this session we are talking about submission as it relates to order and functionality in relationships.
Here in Ephesians 5 and 6 – God is describing how ALL Godly relationships function correctly. God’s design for the marriage relationship is:
It has nothing to do with superiority. It has everything to do with function. “Submission” does not mean caveman and possession. It does not mean dictator and slave - or even Tarzan and Jane. Submission is the design for multiple roles to operate as one flesh, in the same image as the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Wives, the leadership role in your marriage is your husband’s - your role is to be his “counterpart” to help and support him.
These verses in Ephesians 5 and 6 kick off the role of submission in all relationships. You’ll remember from Session 6, that there are six different relationships dealt with in these passages, and all of them flow from Ephesians 5:21 - submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Submission is an integral part of every correctly functioning relationship, and in Ephesians 5:22 - it is about leadership functioning in marriage.
Now, let’s talk about the “as to the Lord” part of this verse.
Ephesians 5:22 (NLT)
22 For wives, this means submit to your husband’s as to the Lord.
Colossians 3:18 (NLT)
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.
Colossians 3:23 (NLT)
23 Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.
A wife’s help and support of her husband is her service rendered as unto the Lord.
A wife’s submission - coming along-side her husband to help and support him - is her service rendered “as to the Lord.” When a wife acknowledges her husband’s role of leadership in the marriage, she does that as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord (Col 3:18).
Now, let’s read the entire instruction to wives here in Ephesians 5.
Ephesians 5:22–24 (NLT)
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.
24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
This is an acknowledgement of LEADERSHIP. Paul is moving into kind of a double metaphor, comparing MARRIAGE to the CHURCH. But here, the reference is to LEADERSHIP.
The “head” is referring to the role of leadership. Remember what 1 Corinthians 11:3 says;
1 Corinthians 11:3 (NLT)
3 But there is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
The issue here is LEADERSHIP in your marriage. Now, invariably, right here comes the quick-draw response, “yeah, but...”
Now, some of the “yeah, but” questions do require additional counsel. I am not making light of them, and they DO need to be addressed. HOWEVER, you must first trust God’s design for marriage, and then you can seek additional counsel from that position of trusting God’s design.
We will talk more about the “yeah, buts” in the session called “Living in our Roles.” But – For today – Let’s look at 1 Peter 3:1–2.
1 Peter 3:1–2 (NLT)
1 In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over
2 by observing your pure and reverent lives.
We will talk more about this later. But for this session please understand
God’s Design for the Role of the Wife is:
1) To sacrificially HELP (like the Holy Spirit is the helper in the Godhead)
2) To sacrificially SUPPORT - your Husband as The Leader in your marriage (Ephesians 5)
Now, the Supernatural Transformation of God’s design for marriage - is when BOTH Husband and Wife correctly EMBRACE their God given roles. However – The Hard Truth of Scripture is - neither one of our roles is conditional, they are both unconditional. – Again, I understand this brings up a LOT of “What If’s” and “Yeah Buts” BUT – First – we’ve got to SEE God’s Design for Marriage - and be willing to EMBRACE it - and THEN (if necessary) we can address our “What If’s” and Yeah Buts.”
Remember, most often, when EITHER a husband or a wife is not functioning in their God-given role, it’s usually because the sin nature is in control somewhere instead of the new nature.
Remember our very first M.I.P. - It is the refusal to crucify self-will that is at the root of EVERY marriage problem!!!
So – IF you are willing to crucify your self will and your sin nature - You can - in the power of the Holy Spirit - sacrificially help and sacrificially support your husband. YOU CAN!! - Not in your own strength - but by putting off the OLD nature and putting on the NEW nature.
So, if you’re ready to take on your God Designed role, let me give you five “A” words from Sandy Macintosh (Word for Today – “For Women Only” series) that will truly say to your husband: “I want to be your helper” - and - “I support you.”
Five practical ways to fulfill the role of the wife (written by a woman):
1) Adaptation – adapt yourself to your husband.
2) Acceptance – let him know you accept him
3) Agreement – this requires constant self-sacrifice from both spouses.
4) Attitude – that draws him to you, not pushes him away.
5) Appreciation – show him how much you appreciate him.
There were actually 6 ‘A’ words, but the 6th was a little mushy for me . . .
6) Adoration – let him know you adore him.
God’s Design for the Wife’s Role
SACRIFICIALLY HELP and
SACRIFICIALLY SUPPORT your Husband
YES - often, some “What ifs” and “Yeah Buts” need to be discussed. But FIRST, we’ve got to be willing to HEAR and RECEIVE God’s Design for our Marriage.
So – Finally let me give you the MIP for this session.
Session 7 M.I.P.
It is the husband that determines if the wife is sacrificially helping and sacrificially supporting.
I’ve seen Christian marriages where the wife says, "I know I’m called to be the helper - so THIS is what I’M going to do, THIS is HOW I’m going to do it, nd these are MY limits."
But if the wife is determining all of the – what, when, and how much of her helping, is that really helping? Or - is it the wife saying basically, “I’m just going to design my own role so I can still do what I want.” So, wives, I need to say something very important. (And next session I will get to the husbands).
You are only helping -if your husband “FEELS” helped. You’re only strengthening and supporting - if your husband “FEELS” strengthened and supported.
And there is only one way to know. . . ASK HIM! Ask your husband, “What can I do to actually help you?” “How can I come alongside you to strengthen and support you?”
It is possible for a wife to be knocking herself out in the marriage - and the whole time your husband is not feeling helped or supported at all. Wives, you need to honestly ask, “What can I do to help you?” - while sacrificing your own desires, and coming alongside him to strengthen and support him in your marriage.
So, let me help you do that. . . - Response Time. . .
So wives, please hand your workbook to your husband . . . This is to be completed BY the husband – IN the wife’s workbook.
Three areas my wife DOES make me feel helped and/or supported:
You know what’s next . . . Homework.
The Role of The WIFE
Session 7 - Homework # 1
HUSBANDS - Your homework this week is to pray with your wife every day. Not just pray for her, pray with her. And find something in the Bible to read with her at least 3 days this week.
WIVES - The following homework is for you.
Before starting today, take a minute to think about where (from what source) you have developed your ideas and opinions about your role in marriage.
Write something about how you’ve come to your current views regarding your role.
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
SCRIPTURE: Gen & Psalms Date ____________
PRAY
LISTEN
Read Gen 1:26-27 from the NLT. Do you see that part of being made “in the image of God” is two made into one?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
God is “Three in One.” Three distinct persons, each with different roles, all perfectly, equally One. Can you see that God could make a husband and wife in that same image?
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
LISTEN
Read these five Psalms, marking the word “help” In each verse.
Psa 33:20, Psa 63:7, Psa 70:5, Psa 94:17, Psa 121:1-2
THINK
Each of these words, “help” are the same Hebrew word used for “helper” in Gen 2:18.
How do these verses, referring to God, relate to Gen 2:18, referring to your role in marriage?
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
What are your concerns (if any) about God calling you a “helper” like himself?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
How does it make you feel that God calls both you and himself a helper?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Respond
If you have some “Yeah, buts” summarize them here for later discussion.
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
The Role of The WIFE - Part 2
Session 7 - Homework # 2
SCRIPTURE: Eph 5 Date: ________________ _
PRAY
LISTEN
Read the following 3 key verses out of the NLT:
Ephesians 5:21, 22, 25 (NLT)
21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
. . .
25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her.
THINK
From these verses and last week’s chapter, is it clear that both the husband’s and wife’s roles come from the “submitting to one another” of V.21?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
LISTEN
Eph 5:22-24 begins the teaching on how Godly relationships function correctly.
Write down the verses that deal with the other relationships discussed here;
Husband’s to Wives _________________________________________________________
Children to Parents _________________________________________________________
Fathers (and mothers) to Children ____________________________________________
Employees to Employers ____________________________________________________
Employers to Employees ____________________________________________________
Is the teaching in these verses regarding different levels of equality and value, or is it regarding how Godly relationships function correctly?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
READ
Read also Col 3:18-4:1. This is the parallel teaching of Eph 5:22-6:9.
Just read over these two sections, focusing on the big picture of how Godly relationships are designed by God to function correctly.
LISTEN
Reread Eph 5:22, focusing on the words “as to the Lord.” (see also Col 3:18)
THINK
How can you fulfill your role “as unto the Lord?”
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
Respond
How do you feel about this whole subject?
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
PRAY
Talk to your husband about anything God has really impressed on you during this study.
The Role of The Wife
Pastor Dave Shepardson, wordbymail.com
Welcome back to God’s Design for Marriage - Session 7
Today, we begin talking about ROLES in Marriage – we’re going to look at the wife’s role, and then the husband’s role. Then we will look at how we can live in our roles.
I think the most important thing we can do before discussing roles is to decide “from what source” we take our direction. Where you get your information impacts how you feel, and we have basically three choices for where we get our definition – and what our opinion is INFLUENCED by – when it comes to roles in our marriage.
Our role definitions - and opinion – is normally influenced by the World - and/or the Church - and/or the Bible. If we put it on a scale, it would look something like this: World____C_H_U_R_C_H____Bible
The world puts our role way on one end of the scale, the Bible puts our role way on the other end of the scale, and the Church has become “spread out” somewhere between the world and the Bible.
When Christians discuss this subject, why is it so often we find ourselves on some sliding scale, trying to fit in somewhere between what the world says and what the Bible says?
Even good solid Christians who accept the Bible as the Word of God - When this subject comes along, they often get their feathers ruffled and start explaining why they disagree with God’s Word in this area.
Often, Christians may be hesitant to dig deep into God’s Word on this subject because we really want to stay on that sliding scale somewhere between the world and the Bible - and this is true for the roles of both husband and wife.
But guys, we’ve got to be willing to TRUST God’s Word – in every area of our Lives - And I promise you, it is our flesh nature - in both husbands and wives - that begins to “RECOIL” when we consider TRUSTING God’s Word about our roles in Marriage.
If we want to experience God’s blessings in our marriage, we’ve got to be willing to TRUST God’s Word about roles by faith, relying on the Holy Spirit to bring about God’s design for our marriage.
Wives, where you get your information and opinions - and where you go – to get your answer to the question: "What is your God-designed role in your marriage?" determines whether you will TRUST God’s design or superficially acknowledge God’s design but then do whatever you think is right in your marriage.
Where do you look to get your information and opinions – to the WORLD – to The BIBLE – or SPREAD OUT somewhere in between?
Speaking of sources for information, I used three sources to prepare this message: Sandy Macintosh, Nancy Missler, and Kay Arthur, all from teachings called “For Women Only” by The Word for Today.
So – Let’s start back in Genesis Chapter 1.
Genesis 1:26–27 (NLT)
26 Then God said, “Let us make human beings (mankind) in our image, to be like us . . .
27 So God created human beings (mankind) in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
To understand our roles, we first have to understand our complete equality, and we begin to understand our complete equality here in verse 27. First, verse 27 says that mankind was made in the IMAGE of God, and then do you see in verse 27 that God created mankind “One” made out of “Two?”
We are created in the image of God, which means a number of very incredible things. But the one “In the image of God” trait I really want you to see is that we are one flesh made up of two distinct persons in a similar way that God is one made up of three distinct persons. We’ll return to this in just a minute.
But first – let’s look again at Genesis 2:18, where for the first time in the creation account, God said, “It is not good.”
Gen 2:18 (NLT)
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”
We looked at this verse in our second message, “Creating a Husband and a Wife.” But in that message, we were focused on the words “just right.” Now, we are going back to look at the word “HELPER.”
Remember, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” because God was not finished creating mankind. And so, to finish God’s complete design of mankind, He said, “I will make him a helper comparable to him.” And God designed woman as a “helper just right for Adam” to complete his design of mankind.
Now - Going back to the Trinity - In the Godhead - is there one whose role is to be the helper? Don’t we even call one member of the Trinity “The Helper?” So, the question is - are we demeaning that person of the Godhead? Are we insinuating that the role of helper in the Godhead has less value than the other TWO members of the Godhead? Do you think the Holy Spirit feels insulted or slighted by his role as The Helper?
Then why do some of us “bristle up” at the term “Helper”? The ANSWER is: Because of our sin nature. In fact, this struggle is actually part of the curse of the “Fall.”
In Genesis 3:16, when God was spelling out the consequences of the fall, he said to the woman:
Genesis 3:16 (NLT)
16 . . . And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”
We need to understand it is our sin nature (our self-will) that causes us to bristle up at this word. So - Let’s look closely at this word “helper” in Genesis 2:18.
Genesis 2:18 (NLT)
18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”
The Hebrew word for “helper” is `ezer (ay-zer) – It means: “to help.” - It is used 21 times in the Old Testament.
5 TIMES it is used to refer to PEOPLE (including here in Genesis 2:18)
16 TIMES it is used to refer to God, and most often, it refers to the person of The Holy Spirit.
This word is used to define God’s role three times more often than it is used to define mankind’s role to one another. Yet because of our sin nature and because of the world’s influence - we think somehow it’s a demeaning term! – I think that may be an insult to God.
Look at this role definition in John 14:16, where Jesus promises to send the Holy Spirit.
John 14:16 (ESV)
16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever,
The Greek here is - “Allos Parakletos” – And it means “One of the same Kind and Quality Who is CALLED alongside to help.”
The helper is totally and completely EQUAL in the Godhead. He is GOD – The Holy Spirit is God – He is “One of the same Kind and Quality AS GOD – whose role is - to HELP.” That’s how God Himself is designed, and that’s how God DESIGNED a husband and wife, perfectly equal - with different roles - just like the Godhead.
Remember, back in Genesis 2:18, the words “Just right” (NLT) or “Fit for him” (ESV) mean “according to the opposite.” In our second session, we discussed how God made a husband and wife to fit together. Part of how God made a husband and wife fit together is by designing the husband to SACRIFICIALLY lead (which we will look at next session) and by designing the wife to SACRIFICIALLY support (help).
God made two opposites that make one when put together correctly. It is impossible for God’s design for marriage to be fulfilled without the wife taking on her role as “helper.” It would be like the Church trying to accomplish God’s purposes without the Holy Spirit’s power, strength and help .
So - we’ve got to bring God’s design of the wife’s role from Genesis 2 as we head over to the infamous verse, Ephesians 5:22, and IF we will approach Ephesians 5:22 with God’s Genesis 2 design fresh in our mind, then prayerfully – we will see this scripture in the proper CONTEXT and from the right PERSPECTIVE.
Ephesians 5:21–22 (NLT)
21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
Verse 21 is the GREATER SENSE of “submit,” as in EMPTYING ourselves to COME UNDERNEATH and ESTEEM the other HIGHER than ourselves – which BOTH Husband and Wife are called to do.
Verse 22 is the LESSER SENSE of “submit” – and refers to ORDER and FUNCTIONALITY in the Family. This statement of order and functionality in a marriage relationship comes directly from the roles God designed. But - some women really rebel against this - why? Because our sin nature wants us to be in charge. Because our sin nature says, WHAT ABOUT ME? And that’s been true since the fall of mankind in the garden.
But - the most common definition of the word submit in this sense is: “to align or arrange under,” and it refers to order and functionality. In our last message, “The ‘S’ Word is for Everyone” - we dealt with submitting TO ONE ANOTHER in the GREATER SENSE of submission. But – in this session we are talking about submission as it relates to order and functionality in relationships.
Here in Ephesians 5 and 6 – God is describing how ALL Godly relationships function correctly. God’s design for the marriage relationship is:
- for the husband to Sacrificially LOVE and LEAD - and
- for the wife to Sacrificially HELP and SUPPORT
It has nothing to do with superiority. It has everything to do with function. “Submission” does not mean caveman and possession. It does not mean dictator and slave - or even Tarzan and Jane. Submission is the design for multiple roles to operate as one flesh, in the same image as the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Wives, the leadership role in your marriage is your husband’s - your role is to be his “counterpart” to help and support him.
These verses in Ephesians 5 and 6 kick off the role of submission in all relationships. You’ll remember from Session 6, that there are six different relationships dealt with in these passages, and all of them flow from Ephesians 5:21 - submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Submission is an integral part of every correctly functioning relationship, and in Ephesians 5:22 - it is about leadership functioning in marriage.
Now, let’s talk about the “as to the Lord” part of this verse.
Ephesians 5:22 (NLT)
22 For wives, this means submit to your husband’s as to the Lord.
Colossians 3:18 (NLT)
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.
Colossians 3:23 (NLT)
23 Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.
A wife’s help and support of her husband is her service rendered as unto the Lord.
A wife’s submission - coming along-side her husband to help and support him - is her service rendered “as to the Lord.” When a wife acknowledges her husband’s role of leadership in the marriage, she does that as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord (Col 3:18).
Now, let’s read the entire instruction to wives here in Ephesians 5.
Ephesians 5:22–24 (NLT)
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.
24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
This is an acknowledgement of LEADERSHIP. Paul is moving into kind of a double metaphor, comparing MARRIAGE to the CHURCH. But here, the reference is to LEADERSHIP.
The “head” is referring to the role of leadership. Remember what 1 Corinthians 11:3 says;
1 Corinthians 11:3 (NLT)
3 But there is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
The issue here is LEADERSHIP in your marriage. Now, invariably, right here comes the quick-draw response, “yeah, but...”
- “Yeah, but” - what if my husband __________?
- “Yeah, but” - what if my husband isn’t saved?
- “Yeah, but” - what if my husband’s an idiot?
- “Yeah, but” - what about ME? - And what about what I WANT?
Now, some of the “yeah, but” questions do require additional counsel. I am not making light of them, and they DO need to be addressed. HOWEVER, you must first trust God’s design for marriage, and then you can seek additional counsel from that position of trusting God’s design.
We will talk more about the “yeah, buts” in the session called “Living in our Roles.” But – For today – Let’s look at 1 Peter 3:1–2.
1 Peter 3:1–2 (NLT)
1 In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over
2 by observing your pure and reverent lives.
We will talk more about this later. But for this session please understand
God’s Design for the Role of the Wife is:
1) To sacrificially HELP (like the Holy Spirit is the helper in the Godhead)
2) To sacrificially SUPPORT - your Husband as The Leader in your marriage (Ephesians 5)
Now, the Supernatural Transformation of God’s design for marriage - is when BOTH Husband and Wife correctly EMBRACE their God given roles. However – The Hard Truth of Scripture is - neither one of our roles is conditional, they are both unconditional. – Again, I understand this brings up a LOT of “What If’s” and “Yeah Buts” BUT – First – we’ve got to SEE God’s Design for Marriage - and be willing to EMBRACE it - and THEN (if necessary) we can address our “What If’s” and Yeah Buts.”
Remember, most often, when EITHER a husband or a wife is not functioning in their God-given role, it’s usually because the sin nature is in control somewhere instead of the new nature.
Remember our very first M.I.P. - It is the refusal to crucify self-will that is at the root of EVERY marriage problem!!!
So – IF you are willing to crucify your self will and your sin nature - You can - in the power of the Holy Spirit - sacrificially help and sacrificially support your husband. YOU CAN!! - Not in your own strength - but by putting off the OLD nature and putting on the NEW nature.
So, if you’re ready to take on your God Designed role, let me give you five “A” words from Sandy Macintosh (Word for Today – “For Women Only” series) that will truly say to your husband: “I want to be your helper” - and - “I support you.”
Five practical ways to fulfill the role of the wife (written by a woman):
1) Adaptation – adapt yourself to your husband.
2) Acceptance – let him know you accept him
3) Agreement – this requires constant self-sacrifice from both spouses.
4) Attitude – that draws him to you, not pushes him away.
5) Appreciation – show him how much you appreciate him.
There were actually 6 ‘A’ words, but the 6th was a little mushy for me . . .
6) Adoration – let him know you adore him.
God’s Design for the Wife’s Role
SACRIFICIALLY HELP and
SACRIFICIALLY SUPPORT your Husband
YES - often, some “What ifs” and “Yeah Buts” need to be discussed. But FIRST, we’ve got to be willing to HEAR and RECEIVE God’s Design for our Marriage.
So – Finally let me give you the MIP for this session.
Session 7 M.I.P.
It is the husband that determines if the wife is sacrificially helping and sacrificially supporting.
I’ve seen Christian marriages where the wife says, "I know I’m called to be the helper - so THIS is what I’M going to do, THIS is HOW I’m going to do it, nd these are MY limits."
But if the wife is determining all of the – what, when, and how much of her helping, is that really helping? Or - is it the wife saying basically, “I’m just going to design my own role so I can still do what I want.” So, wives, I need to say something very important. (And next session I will get to the husbands).
You are only helping -if your husband “FEELS” helped. You’re only strengthening and supporting - if your husband “FEELS” strengthened and supported.
And there is only one way to know. . . ASK HIM! Ask your husband, “What can I do to actually help you?” “How can I come alongside you to strengthen and support you?”
It is possible for a wife to be knocking herself out in the marriage - and the whole time your husband is not feeling helped or supported at all. Wives, you need to honestly ask, “What can I do to help you?” - while sacrificing your own desires, and coming alongside him to strengthen and support him in your marriage.
So, let me help you do that. . . - Response Time. . .
So wives, please hand your workbook to your husband . . . This is to be completed BY the husband – IN the wife’s workbook.
Three areas my wife DOES make me feel helped and/or supported:
- __________________________________________________
- __________________________________________________
- __________________________________________________
- ___________________________________________________
- ___________________________________________________
- ___________________________________________________
You know what’s next . . . Homework.
The Role of The WIFE
Session 7 - Homework # 1
HUSBANDS - Your homework this week is to pray with your wife every day. Not just pray for her, pray with her. And find something in the Bible to read with her at least 3 days this week.
WIVES - The following homework is for you.
Before starting today, take a minute to think about where (from what source) you have developed your ideas and opinions about your role in marriage.
Write something about how you’ve come to your current views regarding your role.
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SCRIPTURE: Gen & Psalms Date ____________
PRAY
LISTEN
Read Gen 1:26-27 from the NLT. Do you see that part of being made “in the image of God” is two made into one?
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God is “Three in One.” Three distinct persons, each with different roles, all perfectly, equally One. Can you see that God could make a husband and wife in that same image?
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LISTEN
Read these five Psalms, marking the word “help” In each verse.
Psa 33:20, Psa 63:7, Psa 70:5, Psa 94:17, Psa 121:1-2
THINK
Each of these words, “help” are the same Hebrew word used for “helper” in Gen 2:18.
How do these verses, referring to God, relate to Gen 2:18, referring to your role in marriage?
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What are your concerns (if any) about God calling you a “helper” like himself?
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How does it make you feel that God calls both you and himself a helper?
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Respond
If you have some “Yeah, buts” summarize them here for later discussion.
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The Role of The WIFE - Part 2
Session 7 - Homework # 2
SCRIPTURE: Eph 5 Date: ________________ _
PRAY
LISTEN
Read the following 3 key verses out of the NLT:
Ephesians 5:21, 22, 25 (NLT)
21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
. . .
25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her.
THINK
From these verses and last week’s chapter, is it clear that both the husband’s and wife’s roles come from the “submitting to one another” of V.21?
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LISTEN
Eph 5:22-24 begins the teaching on how Godly relationships function correctly.
Write down the verses that deal with the other relationships discussed here;
Husband’s to Wives _________________________________________________________
Children to Parents _________________________________________________________
Fathers (and mothers) to Children ____________________________________________
Employees to Employers ____________________________________________________
Employers to Employees ____________________________________________________
Is the teaching in these verses regarding different levels of equality and value, or is it regarding how Godly relationships function correctly?
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READ
Read also Col 3:18-4:1. This is the parallel teaching of Eph 5:22-6:9.
Just read over these two sections, focusing on the big picture of how Godly relationships are designed by God to function correctly.
LISTEN
Reread Eph 5:22, focusing on the words “as to the Lord.” (see also Col 3:18)
THINK
How can you fulfill your role “as unto the Lord?”
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Respond
How do you feel about this whole subject?
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PRAY
Talk to your husband about anything God has really impressed on you during this study.